Inexact Change

Posted by fxckfeelings on January 14, 2010

Changing your habits is a lot like changing your physique; it takes a lot of hard work and effort, and after a while, most of us revert to our old selves, which means our habits/fat pants reenter our lives. Still, wanting to change or help someone change is not an entirely dismissable goal, it just requires a lot of will power, patience, and the right degree of responsibility for what you can and cannot control. In either situation, try to eat less fast food.
–Dr. Lastname

I love my girlfriend, but I noticed that she drank like a fish at parties and carried lots of credit card debt, so when we began to think seriously about getting married, I told her I needed her to cut way back on her drinking, stick to a budget, and pay down her debt. She was hurt, but since then she’s been doing what I asked, and we’ve been getting along well. What I’ve noticed since then, though, is that she’s lost some of her spark and generally seems less happy. I wanted to help her, not hurt her, but at the same time, I don’t know how we can finally get married if she still wants to act like an irresponsible kid. My goal is to help my girlfriend (or really both of us) without making her miserable.

It’s natural to feel responsible when your words do, indeed, wipe the smile off her face—instead of a diamond, you gave her an earful—but it’s a dangerous way to think because your words are also her best warning against greater pain to come.

So you’re right, there’s no way your marriage will work if she can’t control her drinking and spending, so your real goal isn’t to avoid hurting her feelings. Instead, it’s to protect both of you from creating a family just to watch it fall apart.

Since you’ve passed a bullshit check on your message (100% bullshit-free), do a meanness check as a follow-up. Ask yourself whether you’re trying to hurt or humiliate her, whether you’re asking her to change to please your tastes, rather than for the sake of what you both want to build.

Run it by friends you can trust just to make sure, and, after all that, if what you’re saying seems right and necessary, then you need to ignore her misery and focus on what she does in response.

Even if you can’t help but feel responsible for her feelings, don’t show it, because looking guilty invites her to blame you for being picky or demanding, and destroys whatever small constructive power your message has. Look concerned but not responsible/guilty, because that tells her she can’t make your message go away by fighting and making up, turning it into an issue of feelings, or trying to change your mind.

Now, knowing how hard it is to change behavior, you must also ask another misery-inducing question: is she reforming herself for you or for her? If she’s cleaning up her act to make you happy, then she’s doing the same bad thing you were talking about, which is taking responsibility for the other guy’s feelings rather than for doing the right thing. If that’s the case, don’t expect her self-control to last much longer than the honeymoon or your first fight, whichever comes first.

You might be tempted to think your love can turn her around, but surprise, once again, that would be taking responsibility for her feelings. Then, when she relapses, you’ll feel it’s not just you, but your love that failed.

So don’t think that you or your emotions can turn your girlfriend around; your girlfriend’s the only one with the power to get her life together, and it’s your job to help her, not hurt on her behalf.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a positive statement of your ideas about what she needs to do that contains no hint of guilt or apology. “I love you and think we’d be wonderful partners except for a couple bad habits you have that would almost certainly break us up. You don’t have enough control of your drinking or spending. It doesn’t bother me now because I don’t need to rely on you to be sober or stick to a budget, but it will certainly bother me if we get married. I don’t want you to change to make me happy. That wouldn’t be good for either one of us. But if you think over my concerns and ask others about them and decide you really need to change, then I hope you can do it. If you do, I’ll be happy for you and optimistic about our partnership.”

I’ve always been a hard-worker, but it’s equal parts drive and a nagging feeling that I should do my job better (then I end up falling behind, which just makes me work harder, and on and on until I have no free time). My wife retired recently and I really do want to spend more time with her; we like to go hiking and skiing, and we still make each other laugh. Problem is, I can’t break myself of my work habits, so, as much as it hurts me and my wife, I can’t spend any more time with her now than I did when we both worked fulltime. My goal is to be a good worker and a good husband.

Pardon me if this blows your mind, but you’re not really trying to be a good worker. Instead, you’re trying to feel like a good worker, which puts you at the mercy of your compulsive, I-can’t-feel-good-unless-I-knock-myself-out-and-get-acclaimed-as-a-special-person feelings.

This is the difference between a hard-worker and a workaholic; you’re not trying to do a good day’s work, you’re trying to get high on emotional work-ahol. Alcohol drives alcoholics to drink, workahol makes workaholics drunk with being driven. You get the idea.

Despite my dismissive tone, such feelings aren’t all bad; they push you forward and help you to learn, gain a good reputation, get ahead, survive, and become valedictorian. They help you get into Harvard and, maybe, if you’re really driven, to stay there (and get two degrees, like this amazing doctor I know).

On the other hand, such feelings are also demonic and destructive when it comes to your wishes to lead the life you want to lead. Thanks, demon, for driving such interesting, accomplished people to seek my services.

Apply the more rational standards you would use on anyone but yourself. Since you’re no longer a kid who’s impressed by hard chargers, you’d ask whether they did a good enough job for the hours they were paid. If they were your age and they worked more hours than they were paid for and knocked themselves out, you’d wonder if they had a life and when they were going to have a heart attack big enough to end whatever life they had.

You and I know that, no matter how often you remind yourself that you’re a good worker by all reasonable standards, your compulsive feelings will push you just as hard and it will always be hard to resist. You’ll resolve to leave on time, and you’ll find yourself staying late.

So now that your mind is blown and reality has set in, welcome to Workaholics Anonymous. Introduce yourself by the name of the highest position you’ve held, then admit your helplessness and describe your efforts to control yourself.

Keep it up, and you may get strong enough to control the (Harvard) Crimson demon within, one work-day at a time.

STATEMENT:
Write a statement of self-management goals. “I, and not my compulsive feelings, should decide how much time and effort to assign to work vs. other priorities. I will draw up a definition of my work commitment and then try to stick to it. I will ask others to help me follow this course and resist my compulsion to work harder. I will use this mission statement, rather than my need to feel special, to measure success.”