The Kid Stays In The Picture

Posted by fxckfeelings on January 7, 2010

Being a single parent comes with an infinite number of challenges, but a main source of complication is reconciling the dual identities: “single” and “parent.” Possible new partners shouldn’t see you as just an individual, but as could-be future family. At the same time, when looking for new partners, you should be able to see beyond your parenting responsibilities, lest you lose the ability to manage a search of any kind. For a lot of single parents, even more miraculous than children is the ability to find a way to make a relationship last.
–Dr. Lastname

I’ve always been a restless guy, so I got a job working for a consulting firm that sends me to jobs all over the country, for months at a time, though I often get home to see my folks. During my last visit over the holidays, I ran into an old girlfriend from high school, and it was like something out of a movie; we clicked instantly and have been acting like lovesick teenagers ever since, like nothing had ever changed, and I think this really might go somewhere. Of course, two big things have changed since high school, namely that I’ve left town and that she now has a kid that she loves to death (and she’s on good terms with the dad, who lives nearby and shares joint custody). I’ve made plans to spend a weekend with her later this month, and I want to keep our good thing going, but my sister tells me I’m an idiot because, unless I’m willing to move back to my hometown and act like a dad, I’m wasting my ex’s time and setting myself up for a big hurt. I don’t want to do either of those things, but I really love this woman and know she loves me, and her kid already has a dad he sees all the time, so if I stick around for the long term, would it really matter if I’m not physically around that much? My goal is to be with the woman I love, even if I’m not always there.

Despite what every pop song has ever said, love is not all there is; it’s just the initial glue (along with sex) that binds us together, regardless of whether we can possibly live together or meet one another’s long term needs.

So don’t listen to Celine Dion, because your goal isn’t to find true love, but to find a love that won’t lead to heartbreak, ruined finances, and a messed up kid (and I’m not talking about you).

Now, it’s possible that your girlfriend doesn’t want or need a full-time partner, and that a steady guy-on-the-side is perfect. like Oprah’s Stedman or Dolly Parton’s hubby. Your job is to figure out whether that’s the case now, and how long it’s likely to last, because there aren’t many Oprahs and Dollys in this world, and Oprah and Dolly don’t have kids.

You might think your sister doubts your love or your girlfriend’s, but she’s not trying to make you feel bad. She knows that you’re a gypsy who shows no sign of wanting to settle down, and doubts that Oprah’s or Dolly’s boy-friendships would last long if kids were involved (and millions of dollars and giant mammaries weren’t).

Don’t prove her wrong by swearing up and down about the way you feel, but by gathering facts to meet her concerns. Ask your girlfriend what she wants, and if she says a weekend a month and lots of phone calls would be perfect, ask her where the kid will be on those weekends, and whether you will go on vacations with her kid, and what happens when the kid gets sick, and what happens 5 years from now when her kid is older and has a different routine, and what happens if her kid support system breaks down, and what kind of relationship she wants you to have with the kid, and whether she wants more kids, etc, etc. I kid you not, there are a million ways the kid can influence your relationship, and it’s your job to think of them now.

Ask lots of questions until you build up a clear picture in your mind of how things will work; not how you wish they would work, but how they will actually work. If she says she needs a real partner, then no matter how you feel, that partner isn’t going to be you. You might feel cheated, but at least her kid won’t be.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a mission statement. “I believe my girlfriend is a wonderful person, but we’re both tied to facts we can’t change: my being a gypsy and her a mother. I need to figure out whether and where her kid fits in our relationship before I can possibly know whether we can make it work.”

My husband and I got divorced five years ago, when our daughter was a toddler, and since then, I’ve had a lot of trouble finding a new partner, or really dating in general. I can’t stand it when my daughter’s unhappy and I spend a lot of time trying to smooth things out with my ex- when he gets bent out of shape and, in the end, it’s hard to find the time or energy for a new relationship. My goal is to find someone new to share my (and my daughter’s) life with.

It goes without saying that your daughter should come first, but some people are much better than others at juggling competing priorities and tolerating the ensuing painful compromises that have got to be made.

It sounds like you’re holding onto your daughter but letting all the other balls drop; nice people like you are often poor jugglers because they like to nurture, tend to feel responsible for the feelings of others, and hate to disappoint.

Of course, they wind up causing more disappointment (excepting maybe to the kid or other squeaky wheel who claims their prime attention), which makes them lonely, bitter, and eager to complain to me about no good deed going unpunished. I get to see a lot of nice people, so hey, I can’t complain.

In fact, nice people spend so much time and energy worrying about their ex-spouses and what’s happening with their kids that what they want from a partner is nothing less than total support. I’m not saying you won’t find it, but you’re narrowing an already meager field.

Better you should learn how to create boundaries. Learning boundaries is a painful and not-nice experience for nice people, but it’s worthwhile and pays off in the long run.

The goal is to learn how to manage your inner nice girl so that it doesn’t control your life; not to be rude, thoughtless, or uncaring, but to be able to say no firmly and without further discussion when and if you believe it’s the right thing to do. That way you can eventually say “yes” to someone who wants to take you out on a date.

STATEMENT:
Prepare your statement. “I love my daughter and being a mother and I believe that I can do a good job and meet her needs without having to make everyone happy all the time, including her and my ex-husband. Indeed, if I am more attentive to my own standards for being a good parent and less reactive to their feelings and my own don’t-rock-the-boat instincts, I will become a stronger leader, better parent, and more capable of managing my own life.”