All Apologies

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 7, 2009

We all want someone to be sorry or grateful when our feelings are on the line, but, feelings and people being what they are, it’s sometimes worth ignoring our emotional needs to hear a few simple words. Apologies and gratitude carry a lot of emotional currency, but just like regularly currency, they need to be genuine to be worth anything.
–Dr. Lastname

I don’t fight with my adult son, but it’s because I bite my tongue. When he’s working as a doctor he’s very professional and well respected, but he’s basically always been very moody, and when I hang out with him for more than a few hours, I often run into a big dose of real nastiness. He’ll look sour and complain that I want him to do something he really doesn’t want to, or that I should have gotten him something, or that he doesn’t want to go out to dinner and I should go out alone. He’s rude and grumpy in a way that he would never be with a friend. When he was an adolescent, I wrote it off, but he hasn’t changed at all. Afterwards, he never admits that he did anything wrong. No wonder he doesn’t have a girlfriend. My goal is to get him to see that he acts like a shit and get him to apologize.

It would certainly ease your pain if your son were to apologize, but a solicited apology is about as helpful as unsolicited advice; it’d merely be a response to your feelings rather than a genuine realization that his behavior is out of control and bad for him.

So far, that’s eluded him. Making him say he’s sorry for it is not the same as making him be sorry for it.

And you should always remember the dark, demonic side of nice people who get nasty sometimes; even when they’re sorry, the next time they feel bad, they want to hurt someone. It’s particularly tempting to hurt someone who says “ouch, you’ve really hurt my feelings,” because that’s like remarking to a hungry bear that you feel really delicious that day.

Telling them they should feel guilty is accepting an engraved invitation to an argument. He’s already shown you his control is slipping, so there’s no reason to make it worse. In the movies, a big fight clears the air. In real family life, it’s Agent Orange. Afterward, he may well say, and with perfect sincerity, “I’m sorry,” and mean it…until next time.

Of course, some people say that you should be able to speak freely to your family and that’s what family is for, but you won’t get that advice here. No one can make you madder than your family can, or more in need of expressive relief.

The only trouble is, you have more to lose and nothing to gain from family conflict. But that doesn’t mean you can’t draw a line without engaging in conflict.

Your goal is to draw a line against nastiness, but not by getting him to stop being nasty. Instead of sharing your hurt or trying to make him feel guilty, steer him in a better direction while making it clear you won’t join him in any direction you consider negative and unhealthy.

Wait until you’re calm and put together your thoughts about why nastiness is bad for him and what you’re going to do about it. Be prepared to decline an invitation to fight; if he doesn’t like your words or interprets them negatively, that’s his right. You’ve said what you wanted and need say no more.

Make sure that what you say is well-intentioned and not provocative. He’s free, then, to think otherwise and you’re free to disagree and refuse further discussion. And if he acts hurt, remember you’ve done the right thing; it’s your turn not to be sorry.

STATEMENT:
“I’m impressed with the good things you’ve done with your life and I respect you highly, but there’s one problem I think needs to be mentioned, and that’s the way you talk negatively when you’re in a bad mood. I believe people can’t help the mood they’re in or the feelings they have, but negative talk can be destructive by driving your friends away and leading you to say things you’ll regret. I think the best way I can help you, when I believe your talk gets too negative, is to step back and encourage you to contact me when you’re under better control. In other areas of your life, your control over negative talk is great, but I understand it’s harder with family. But it’s also more important to keep your control with family, so I think it’s worth my mentioning this problem to you and hoping you can improve it.”

Two years ago, my sister lent me a large sum of money when I needed it during my divorce. She really saved me in that situation, and I really thought I made my gratitude clear at the time (and while I haven’t repaid her yet in full, I do send her a check every month, and will until it’s covered). The problem is that my sister acts like I’m an ungrateful mess, and I don’t know what I can do to convince her otherwise. She literally makes jokes in public about how little money I have (I’m doing fine), how lucky I am to have her in my life (I’ve told her that!)…everytime I slip-up and mention a new boyfriend she says she’s going to start saving up now for my next divorce. It’s not funny, it’s not fair, and it’s driving me crazy. My goal is to give my sister enough gratitude so she’ll get off my back.

You’re already stuck paying off your sister with cash; saddling yourself with paying off an endless debt of gratitude isn’t good for either one of you.

You’ve said you see flaws in her judgment of you, and suspect she’s critical because she’s controlling, and not because you’ve done anything wrong. Knowing that, it’s dangerous to expect her to be rational and give you the approval you deserve.

The harder you try, the more you feed the side of her that wants to feel superior. So don’t buy into her negative ideas about what you could have or should have done, or what you’re doing wrong now.

I assume there’s a positive side to your relationship because she lent you a large sum at a time of need, and I doubt she did it just to lord it over you for the rest of time. Hang onto the positive in that and the positive in what you’ve been doing and you’ll be OK.

The worst thing to do would be to respond to her criticism with resentment or counter-criticism. She’ll feel you’re resentful of being in her debt, and that lending you money destroyed your friendship, and the nastiness will get worse and endanger what has, until now, been a supportive if not entirely positive relationship.

Point is, there is not such thing as enough gratitude where your sister is concerned, so trying to thank her enough is not just a fruitless task, but a dangerous one.

To stay positive, use your own judgment to decide whether or not you’ve done right by your sister and, if you haven’t, do what’s necessary to satisfy your own standards.

Then treat her criticism as a bad habit in a good person and let her know, in a positive way, that you acknowledge her criticism, don’t agree with it, and intend to avoid talking about it (or even listening to it if it’s too persistent). But that doesn’t change your respect for her or the importance of your relationship. It just changes your expectations of your sister, nevermind what you look for in a husband.

STATEMENT:
You’re a great sister and you’ve been my rescuer during hard times. And I know that my troubles have left you with some concerns about me, my poverty, my apparent inattention to the sacrifices you’ve made to help me, and my tendency to make bad marital choices. I assure you I’ve heard your concerns, thought hard about them, and benefited from them as much as I can at this point, and, from my point of view, I’m satisfied with the results. I also think that further talk about these subjects is not good for our relationship and should be avoided, and this I intend to do. I can understand that your concerns may well continue and I know they are well intentioned. But I truly believe we will do better if they do not get mentioned in the future and that time will show you that I am stronger and that our relationship will be stronger because of all we’ve gone through together.