Stop Being Angry, D*mmit!

Posted by fxckfeelings on August 6, 2009

One of the basic tenets of the fxckfeelings.com philosophy is this: you can’t change people. As such, even trying to change someone’s mind by making their anger go away is never a good goal, whether it’s the anger of a naggy spouse or a misbehaving kid. Instead, change your line of reasoning: go back to basics and define the issues for yourself. Then, if you’re lucky, they’ll change their own minds.
-Dr. Lastname

My wife and I are both artists—her painting, me sculpture—but after our son was born, it became clear that one of us was going to have to get a real job in order to pay the bills. I was making more money from sculpting at the time, so she was the one to take the plunge. Her job is actually somewhat creative, and she doesn’t hate it completely, but now that I’m not having as many shows and selling as many pieces, she’s leaning on me constantly to work harder or find a better-paying job. I try to tell her that I’m doing the best I can, but she doesn’t accept that, and if I even suggest that she’s bitter that she had to give up her art and I didn’t, she absolutely loses it. The truth is, I think my career is worth holding on to, but I don’t know how to convince her unless I make a windfall in the next six months. My goal is to get my wife to get off my back.

Never try to get your wife off your back, because that a), implies you’re already trapped underneath her, and b), means you’ll be lying, squirming, and generally pulling all the stops to change her mind/get her to move, which will just strengthen her resolve.

In fact, if you look behind you, you’ll notice you’re giving your wife a piggy-back ride at this very moment. So your goal will wrench your back.

Your real goal is simple: to make whatever compromises about doing art vs. making a living that you, yourself, believe are right and necessary. Ignore what your wife says, at least for the moment, and don’t complain about her criticism.

Do some research, and support your argument with facts. Don’t use your creativity to play on her feelings. Give her a good, simple business plan and let the numbers speak for themselves.

That might seem cold, but remember, marriage is not about heartfelt communication—that’s a myth perpetuated by greeting card companies, florists, and the good people behind Cialis. Don’t tell your wife everything you think or feel about the dispute, just tell her what you know and put it in positive context.

As painful as math is to an artiste, you need to sit down with the bills and figure out how much money you think you should be making to support yourself and your commitment to your partnership with her. Then make your best effort to do it, in whatever way necessary. It won’t be easy, but you’re an artist; if you wanted easy, you would have listened to your mother and gone to dental school.

If your wife remains bitter, you’ll only make it worse by encouraging her to express her feelings. Instead, provide her with a positive way of looking at the choice that she made and that you may also need to make.

Of course, there are only so many hours in the day, and no one can guarantee that you’ll find work. So the result is not nearly as important as your knowing that you did your best to meet your own target. Back up your words, and your back will feel a little better.

STATEMENT:
Then you’re ready to address your wife (and yourself) with a statement. “It’s important to me to do my share, financially, and I haven’t been meeting my goals. And if making art doesn’t pay my share of the rent, then of course I’ve got to find other ways. But (choose one) [I have good reason to think that I’ll have more money shortly] or [I’ve been working hard at finding other ways to make money]. You’re worried and I’m worried. You’ve been forced to get a day job and I may be forced to do the same. But we both believe in doing art if we can and making a living if we must and that’s what has always made us good partners. I’ll keep you posted on how I’m doing, but, for now, I don’t want to talk about it because I don’t think it does any good.”

My husband and I were unable to have children, so we became foster parents, and ended up adopting four of our foster kids over the years. Our oldest is fairly well adjusted and grown now, but the other three, all teens, have been a handful, to put it mildly. Under it all, they’re sweet kids, but they come with a lot of baggage (drug abuse, physical abuse, you name it), and despite our influence and encouragement, they are drawn to repeating their parents’ mistakes. I think we need to get our kids into treatment—rehab, counseling, anything—but my husband thinks I’m overreacting, and that putting them into any sort of group home would be like reminding them of their darkest days in the foster care system, making their problems worse. In the meantime, I don’t know how to help them, or control them, and neither does he. My goal is to get my kids help without hurting them (and my marriage) in the process.

A sad, simple fact of life is that you can’t help people who firmly refuse help. You’re used to being the one to help your kids—you pulled them from the foster care system and loved them despite all odds—but that’s help they never really asked for, in so much as they also didn’t ask for terrible biological parents or damaged genes.

Besides, when people don’t want help and accept it anyway, they make a half-assed effort, gain nothing, and say it didn’t work. The more you push yourself to get them help and them to accept it, the less you’ll push them to behave constructively, so save your time, money, and heartbreak.

So if you can’t bring the kids to the halfway house, bring the half-way house to them. Become a good half-way house manager by helping your residents get control of themselves.

Begin by using your admittedly limited administrative powers over the home (sweet half-way home) resources of food, money, and transportation. You know the rules that allow people to live together and keep safe, so draw up the house rules, post them in the common/livingroom, and bestow resources on those who keep ‘em.

If either you or your husband can’t fulfill your duties because you’re too worried about hurting the kids feelings, self-esteem, or trust, you’re fired. Their feelings aren’t important, and neither are yours. Your job is to do everything in your power to promote their safety and self-control.

Don’t try to humiliate or punish them, because that would defeat your purpose. Simply push them to do what they know they need to do to stay safe and act decently. And if you feel nervous and guilty about making rulings, withholding resources, and causing unhappiness, keep your feelings to yourself.

Hopefully, with enough homegrown counseling, all your residents will gain the skills to live independently, and your half-way house will become whole again.

STATEMENT:
Issue a statement that addresses the kids and your own overly reactive conscience. “I think you kids are great, but sometimes you get out of control and act in ways that are unsafe or disrespectful of the rights of others in this family, so I’ve got a good plan for helping you. I’ve drawn up a list of basic rules for protecting your safety and the rights of others. I’ve also drawn up a list of the penalties I’ll use if one of you slips up on one of those rules. I think this system will help everyone get stronger and live together more harmoniously. See you later.”