Crap Clan

Posted by fxckfeelings on June 5, 2020

Over the course of our lives, we gradually age out of many things—diapers, fast fashion, the ability to use hashtags—but one thing no amount of time and maturity can confer on us is the ability to prevent Assholes in our families from getting under our skin. Age and wisdom confer no superpower defensive shield against the pain and guilt Assholes cause, especially since they won’t stop causing it no matter how calmly and maturely you approach them. So if you’re descended from Assholes, expand your acceptance to include your own feelings, namely the negative and human ones that your family will always inspire. Don’t try to achieve a state of imperturbable forgiveness; that’s an inhuman standard for controlling your feelings that only an Asshole would impose.
– Dr. Lastname

I come from a family that is violent and alcoholic on one side and borderline/bipolar/crazy on the other; several relatives are all of the above. I’m over 70 now, so I have a lifetime of experience turning the other cheek, hoping for the best, and standing up for my values with integrity. All the same, I am tired of my family and their problems (none of which I exhibit to even a small degree, luckily). Even my patience has limits. My goal is to not feel hate for the whole fam damily and to fill in the chip they’ve nicked off my shoulder.

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People expect that they’ll be exuding peace and serenity by the time they hit 70, but given the world-that-sucks-and-is-full-of-assholes that we live in, most people will only find that kind of peace when they’re resting in it. 

So when you feel you’ve been fucked over by a hateful family all your life and will never escape, then hate is what you’ve got. So a better goal isn’t to expunge hate, but simply not to act the way hate wants you to.

Hate wants you to confront your Asshole family, or complain about them, or ruminate on the mean things they’ve done and the unfairness of it all. Hate pushes you to wonder why you can never be the naturally serene and loving person that you’d like to be and where you’ve failed in the process. There are some people who’ve entered psychoanalytic treatment for just that reason, or who ruminate to their wives, kids, or any captive audience they can find, and, in doing so, to some extent, they become assholes themselves.

I assume you haven’t let hate control your life. Aside from turning the other cheek, I hope you’ve also turned your buttcheeks to your family and headed down your own road, leaving them at least partially behind (pun intended). Hopefully you’ve managed to put your energy into being independent, making a living, and filling your life with people who weren’t like your family (even if they felt unfamiliar to begin with).

On the positive side, if you’re lucky and growing up surrounded by assholes doesn’t discourage you or make you into one of them, it can teach you a great deal about the world and how to defend yourself. You’ve obviously learned how not to respond with negative emotion, or to burden yourself with grudges or to say the bad things that want to come out of your  mouth. Though you can’t stop feeling angry inside, and especially because you can’t stop feeling angry inside, that’s a significant achievement.

So you can’t make the anger go away, but you can use it, as you have, to steer yourself clear of conflict and energize your own path. And that’s what pain is for, if you have the strength to use it properly. Most of us must accept, sooner or later, that happiness and serenity are not an option. And if you survive your baptism of shit and nevertheless do good things with your life, it’s a much bigger achievement and something, unlike your family, that you can be proud of.

STATEMENT:

“I wish I felt a sense of peace and acceptance about my family, now that I’ve reached the age of 70, but, given how hateful they were and are, I’m proud I haven’t let those Assholes shape my life or prevent me from living up to my own standards.”