Ex, Con

Posted by fxckfeelings on May 30, 2019

When you’re frightened, dealing with trauma, or just generally vulnerable, you’re often forced to make big choices despite being in the worst possible state to do so. Feelings take over, so you may choose to do whatever feels good or just makes the fear or pain go away. Then you’re more vulnerable to being seduced into another abusive or traumatic situation, and that situation will create more strong feelings that make you doubt yourself, and on and on it goes. To avoid becoming a prisoner of self-doubt and helplessness, learn to see your real abilities and opportunities for what they are, regardless of what your feelings are telling you. If you can see beyond your feelings, strong as they may be, you’ll find your way to a safer, saner future.

-Dr. Lastname

I left my narcissistic, emotionally abusive ex-husband a year or so ago after almost 20 years together. We have two young kids, and he was so emotionally abusive that I left believing that he was the better parent, so I chose to have the girls live with him primarily and have joint custody. Since then, he has alienated me and my parents from my children. He is hurtful and mean during every interaction we have, but never in front of anyone or the girls. My girls do not want to come see me when it is my turn. I have no proof but I believe he is making the girls feel guilty about being around me. When I told the asshole he was damaging the girls for the rest of their lives with his behavior and feelings toward me, he said “I don’t care,” and has said multiple times that wants me out of my girls lives. I am tired of trying to see my girls and them crying because they don’t want to see me. I’m also tired of dealing with the asshole. On top of that, I have a wonderful new boyfriend who wants me to move across the country with him when he starts his new job, but I know that if I do that I probably  won’t see my girls again. My goal is to decide if letting the ex have his way and staying away from my girls won’t only help them (by saving them from feeling so torn and guilty), but help me by allowing me to take back my life.

LIFE SUCKS: How To Deal With The Way Life Was, Is, and Will Always Be Unfair

After twenty years of being emotionally abused by your spouse, it’s normal to devalue yourself and overvalue criticism, no matter how unfair or from whom. But it’s not healthy for you or your kids for you to be too reactive to feelings when making decisions about your kids’ future and their relationship with you.

Your job is to do something that you’ve always found difficult, which is to weigh what’s really best for you and the kids instead of believing in the negative statements of people whose judgment you can’t trust. Leaving your husband might have been hard, but learning to trust your own judgment is the crucial, and even harder, next step.

Instead of reacting to depression, fatigue, and discouragement, or to the kids’ hostility, ask friends and trusted advisors what they think is best for you and the kids in the long run, taking into account your concerns about the trustworthiness of their father and your ability to become a more effective and stronger mother once you’re established on your own. Without that input, you amplify the power of your kids’ feelings and your husband’s opinion to make you feel more helpless and convince you that you have no choice.

With the help of friends and professionals, assess your ability to be a good mother. If you really can’t provide kids with love, support, and reasonable management, then it’s possible that they’re better off with your ex. But you shouldn’t make that judgment on the basis of what he or the kids say when they’re being mean or manipulated, but from the facts as you see them.

Similarly, try to develop an objective view about the strengths and weaknesses of your ex as a parent and the kids’ longterm safety. He may have intimidated you into passivity, but now you know better. It’s your job to size these things up and act on your judgment.

Communicate as much as possible with your ex by email and text so that, if he becomes critical or abusive, you have a record. Get advice from a friend, therapist or lawyer on how to respond in writing, so as to establish a legal record showing that you can stay reasonable and positive regardless of his abusive language.

In addition, make sure you’ve applied the same tools of rational assessment to evaluating your current love as a potential partner. Consider his longterm reliability, his ability to be even-tempered under stress, and his tolerance for difficult kids. Make sure you know about his previous and family relationships, so you know what to expect and aren’t just swept off your feet by another someone whose sweet talk could potentially turn ugly and abusive later on.

If you decide you’re in no shape to be a good mother and that the kids are OK with your ex, then you may decide it’s better to leave. Otherwise, you’ve got a job to do and there are good ways to get it done. Believe in your judgment, once it’s fact- rather than feeling-driven, and prepare to do whatever is necessary for the sake of the outcome that you truly believe is better for the kids instead of the outcome you’ve been bullied into.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t see how I can improve my relationship with kids who don’t value me or fight someone who always seems to win, but I now have the ability to be objective about what’s best for them and, if I decide they need more of my parenting, I know I can make their lives better, whether they like me or not and regardless of my ex’s bullying.”