Alcoholic Leverage

Posted by fxckfeelings on February 7, 2019

When you discover that a loved one is in a life-threatening situation, it’s natural and often helpful to focus all your strength on removing obstacles to a cure. That works well if you can fix the situation by donating bone marrow or even lifting a car off your injured child, but addiction is a much harder obstacle to remove than a Chevy or even cancer. That’s because addiction not only has no clear cause, but also no cure, and the effort to find either can exhaust your resources and harm the ones you love the most. Instead of striving for the super-power to save someone at all costs, learn how to give it your best shot, respect your own efforts without becoming responsible for a fix, and then find ways to live with the obstacle, not remove it, for as long as necessary.
-Dr. Lastname

Several months ago, my dad got diagnosed as pre-diabetic and was told to stop drinking. We gave him time—he’s been a drinker for most of 50 years—but here we are now, many months later, the only thing that’s changed is that I can barely be around him because his drinking makes me so furious. It wasn’t until he got diagnosed that my mother and I realized how dangerous his drinking is to his health. We knew it was dangerous in other ways, because when he’s drunk he turns into a zombie/jerk: he gets aggressive, he doesn’t understand anything that is said to him, he can’t speak or walk, and my mom is stuck having to apologize for him and take the brunt of his behavior. Other members of our family have been noticing and talking to my mom about an intervention, but she’s worried about his feelings, which I understand—he has had a very hard time at his job—but to me that is no fucking excuse for killing yourself little by little every fucking day. I don’t want to lose respect for my mom too, because she’s my best friend, but I’m also getting frustrated with her for how much she enables and protects him. For months I have been keeping my anger to myself and talking with my mom, but she says we can’t talk to him with anger. But why fucking not? I’m so pissed at this point I feel like I can’t be around them anymore. If nothing changes soon my relationship with my parents is going to crumble. My goal is to get somebody or something to change before I lose my family entirely.

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It’s certainly a noble and understandable goal to want to save your dad from an early death, but, remember, the word “alcoholic” means an addiction that no one entirely controls; if they had control, they wouldn’t have the alcoholism. And even if your dad did have some control over his behavior, you sure as hell don’t.

So trying to reason or intimidate your father into changing his ways is not going to accomplish anything other than getting you depressed and angry. That will just create more conflict between you and your mother, get your father to dig in his heels further, and turn you into as much of a stubborn asshole as he is.

Remember, accepting alcoholism as a hard-to-control chronic illness doesn’t mean you’re letting your father off the hook. It’s his job, like any of us, to manage his illness and be a good, hard-working person in spite of it, as much as he can. Unfortunately, alcoholism tends to erode character as well as create chemical dependency, so many alcoholics don’t see why they shouldn’t do the one thing that makes them happy. Their asshole behavior is as much of a side effect of addiction as impulsivity and hangovers; they aren’t just chemically dependent on feeling good, but on blaming others for making them feel bad.

So, as the daughter of an alcoholic, your goal isn’t to cure or rescue him or assume he has the strength of character or determination to rescue himself. It’s to accept that he may not have that strength, and may not even be a nice guy, while protecting yourself when necessary and being a good daughter when possible.

If you think it’s worth a try, talk to him about sobriety but do it positively, making it clear he’s the one responsible for the decision and you’re not going to pressure him by nagging, cajoling, or threatening. Begin encouragingly by reminding him of all the good he has done despite his drinking, and how much more he could do while sober. Then, citing the facts without judgment or anger, remind him of the ways alcohol has damaged his health and relationships. Assuming that he knows as much about AA and ways to get help as you do, tell him that you know sobriety can be difficult, but you hope he can give it a try. Then drop the subject and, if necessary, leave the room.

As difficult as it is to walk the line between feeling responsible for your father’s health and accepting your inability to help, you’re not alone. Al-anon is a 12-step organization for people in your situation—those with loved ones who struggle with addiction—who have learned how to walk that line, teach others how to do it, and encourage respect and pride in the midst of helplessness. Or you may find help from a therapist or a friend who understands your dilemma.

In any case, respect yourself for loving your parents as much as you do and for your desire to help. Then respect yourself even more for accepting that, while you can’t help as much as you’d like, you can still act decently and be the best daughter possible under the circumstances.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t stand to see my father kill himself with alcohol while my mother does nothing, but I know I’ve done my best to help him stop, and that I can’t change his addiction or weakness of character. I won’t let helplessness or anger stop me from being kind while protecting myself from the way alcohol makes him behave.”