5 Steps To Give Yourself A Kind Of Closure

Posted by fxckfeelings on October 4, 2018

Like our reader from earlier, you may never be able to stop the nagging voice in your head that craves closure from an ex after a bad breakup. What you can do, however, is follow these five steps to give yourself a kind of closure, or at least an education. It might not be the exact thing that the voice is begging for, but it is something the rest of you can benefit from.

1) Catch Up On What Closure Means

Despite what the pesky voice in your brain might insist, closure isn’t about getting reassurance from someone you care about that you’re OK and not at fault. It certainly isn’t what most people secretly want it to be, which is a chance to stay in contact with someone you may still have strong feelings for or even an opportunity to argue your case for getting back together. Closure, in so far as it exists, is a self-assessment you can do yourself to figure out what went wrong so you can avoid making the same mistakes, or falling for the same mistake-prone person. Involving the other person in your closure process isn’t just unnecessary, it’s unhealthy, because it makes his judgment more important than yours when it’s your own authority you should be heeding. Overall, closure is not the reassuring feeling your brain craves, just the act of doing what’s right to help you move on.

2) Solidify Your Standards

Begin your self-assessment, not by focusing on the forensics of your recent breakup, but by thinking objectively about what you think makes a good relationship and what qualities you think a good partner should possess. For example: someone who can keep his promises while not promising more than he’s ready to deliver, does his share, tries hard to be a good person and friend, i.e., someone who cares enough to put up with a reasonable amount of shit without too much complaining. Try to prioritize those qualities over more trivial ones, like looks, swagger, hairline, etc.

3) Make Sure You Measure Up

Once you’ve figured out your relationship standards, use them to judge whether he or you fucked up, or whether you both made a good try but it just didn’t work. For example, if he dumped you without warning, or even after acting very, very positively, you have a right to wonder whether he cares about the right things and is straight about his commitments (and whether your screening procedures need improvement). On the other hand, if you check with your friends and they think you treated him badly, then that’s something to work on. At no point in this process do you need to get his views or get him to agree with your views, just to come to a judgment of your own and stick with it.

4) Make Plans For Improvement

If he was a jerk and you should have seen it, don’t waste time blaming yourself for your own stupidity. Beating yourself up is a useless exercise while building up your aforementioned screening proceedures is a useful one that can protect you from future heartbreak. For example, if you want to avoid being taken by another self-centered user, force yourself to ask future prospective partners more questions about prior relationships or pay more attention to how he handles money and responsibilities. On the other hand, if you were a jerk to him and didn’t realize it, work with a therapist or a 12 step group on managing your shortcomings. In any case, after deciding what went wrong and what needs improvement, prepare to close the case.

5) Refuse Your Urges And Reassure Yourself

Whatever his faults or yours, or the absence of any fault, your evaluation is now finished, as is your excuse for wanting to reach out to your ex. Pushing yourself for approval from or agreement with him isn’t just an unnecessary thing to do, but a cruel thing to do to yourself, so of course you should stop it. Of course, the voice in your head will likely continue to pester you for the (nonexistent) type of closure that only he can provide, but at least now you can talk back to that voice using the results of your own closure search. You can also distract yourself from that voice, and from other urges to reconnect with your ex, by spending more time with friends, diving into work and hobbies, and/or using your new knowledge to rededicate yourself to finding a new relationship that’s much less likely to make you this crazy again.