Indecent Ex Closure
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 20, 2018
People often talk about closure as a necessary tool for recovering from trauma, as if closure were the psychological stitches required to heal the deep wounds caused by loss or suffering and move on. Unfortunately, as much as we deserve to be at peace with ourselves, psychic wounds don’t have the same healing protocol as physical ones; there are no quick procedures to sew yourself up and become whole again, and efforts to get that kind of closure can easily make things worse. As satisfying a feeling as closure may be, then, it’s never a a constructive goal. The best way to heal after a loss is to figure out for yourself what went wrong and what you can do better next time while doing your best to keep going, despite the pain. You may never feel a sense of resolution, but you will find a way to move on.
-Dr. Lastname
“Closure” is a pain in my ass, mainly because I’m the kind of person who OBSESSES over closure until it’s been obtained. Until I get it, I constantly wonder if my ex thinks poorly of me, what did I do to make him cut off all communication, if he thinks I’m a wingnut, if everything that’s happened is my fault, etc. My goal is to be able to “let go” of my ex and to “embrace” the here and now, even though it’s rather MEH, without the closure my brain relentlessly craves.
F*ck PTSD: The F*ck Feelings Guide for Individuals and Support Groups
A part of your brain may crave “closure” when it comes to eliminating the possibility that you offended or disappointed your ex, but that doesn’t mean you do.
Most of your brain/self, like the parts that are logical and pragmatic, probably know that you have done nothing offensive and that asking your ex why he dumped you is a waste of your time; most likely, nothing he can say, no matter how open and honest, will be satisfactory, and pestering him about it will just drive him, and any possibility of closure, further away. Still, that needy, insecure part of your brain can be extremely hard to ignore.
Your brain has these compulsive urges for good reason, at least some of the time. Closure-seeking is a form of answer-seeking, and that urge drives us to solve difficult problems and figure how to improve. It force us to be careful, check for trouble, and be successful managers and hard workers. Such anxieties shape and drive many a successful career.
The problems arise when our brains can’t take yes for an answer. Even after being assured that there are no lingering issues or hidden resentments, we can’t stop believing that we’re not hearing the truth and must have done something wrong. When self-questioning creates severe anxiety and painful ideas we can’t get out of our heads, we call the problem “obsessive compulsive disorder” or “unwanted obsessive thoughts.” These diagnoses don’t indicate that we know much about these disorders or how to solve them, just that we need a way of describing them as we try to figure out ways to help.
Since there’s no cure, and the behaviors that offer short-term relief, like asking for reassurance, just makes things worse, don’t make it your goal to free yourself from the need for closure or, of course, to get it. Instead, learn to manage the painful obsessions in your brain by learning to identify them and dismiss them so they can’t control your actions or interfere with your life. Just because you can’t stop the internal torture doesn’t mean you can’t learn to distract yourself, stop seeking a final answer, and instead reassure yourself and go about your business.
If your obsessive thoughts are too overpowering for you to get a handle on, there’s a fifty-fifty chance that high doses of certain antidepressants might help. Such medications carry a very low risk of doing serious harm, so you have little to lose, but it can take several months and several different medication trials before you find one that helps, and a good result is far from guaranteed. Still, if you’re really haunted by obsessions and can’t control your closure-seeking behavior, medication trials are well worth your time.
Meanwhile, don’t knock your tendency to obsess, even if it sometimes causes you humiliation and pain; it’s just your brain doing, or overdoing, its thing. Write off your ex, judge your behavior with him reasonably using the part of your brain that’s in check, and apply whatever lessons you learn to future relationships. And take pride in your ability to do so; remember, your goal isn’t to get closure, but to get over and around your uncontrollable urge for it.
STATEMENT:
“I feel like I can’t live with myself until I know what I did to drive my ex away, but the truth is that I didn’t violate my own basic standards for decency, which are more important, and I will feel better eventually, even if I can’t stop the painful nonsense in my brain from torturing me in the immediate future.”
