Self-Rejection

Posted by fxckfeelings on April 6, 2015

Unless you’re a GPS, a chess robot, or a politician, it’s likely that, when it comes to relationships, passion motivates your decision-making more than strategic interests. That’s why we want to reward betrayal with rejection and neediness with nurturing; unfortunately, we forget that caring for and managing our own lives are our primary responsibilities, as well as far more under our control. So put reactive feelings aside until you’ve decided what is most likely to meet your self-responsibilities; that will usually be the more meaningful, most carefully plotted course of action, in the long run, than reacting to what’s been done to you.
–Dr. Lastname

I owe my mentor a huge amount—he stuck by me through a long period of unemployment and repeatedly wrote me terrific recommendations—and I thought I’d landed in heaven when he finally arranged for me to work directly for him doing large-company sales, which is what I’ve always wanted, at a time when I needed work more than ever since my youngest daughter got sick. So I was shocked to discover that, once I started working for him, he was often belittling, critical, and frequently humiliating. I’ve asked around (discretely, of course) and found out that other people also think he’s often overbearing and mean; he’s actually been spoken to about it, but he’s so good at what he does that no one is going to fire him. I guess I should feel better that his treatment isn’t personal, but it still feels like a bit of a betrayal to have this man who’s always given me so much support become a source of daily opposition. So my goal is to figure out what to do with him and this job.

Don’t let yourself be distracted by your feelings for what must feel like a betrayal; yes, you should stand up for yourself and you have a right to feel hurt and furious, but standing up for yourself doesn’t mean standing up to anyone else.

That’s an oxymoronic idea that makes your feelings for an abusive Asshole more important than your own values and strategic goals, and thus makes you a slave to their Asshole-ishness. Just because he hurts your feelings doesn’t mean you have to let him hurt your career.

Your goal then isn’t to figure out what to do with your nasty mentor—his views and behavior don’t even matter to management—but to figure out what’s best for yourself, your sick kid, your healthy kids, etc.

Besides, it’s very possible that your boss isn’t a capital-A Asshole; some well-meaning, very smart people are also very Asperger-y when they get going on their projects. They can be genuinely nice when they’re not in work mode, but once they start to focus, nothing matters but finishing the job and getting things to fit together according to their own thoughts. They have very little tolerance for anyone else’s ideas and fitting someone else’s work product and way of doing things together with their own gives them a giant headache and fills them with rage.

Think of his nastiness as a seizure, and don’t burden yourself with defending your pride. Yes, some people would say that your pride depends on your ability to talk back to bullies, particularly when they’re being mean, unfair, or patronizing about your looks, color, race, gender, etc. Some people also give their hard-earned money to support a pizza restaurant’s right to discriminate, which is to say, some people are wrong. You’re there to work, make money, and move on.

Add up the ways this job satisfies your values and strategic goals, asking yourself whether what you’re learning and earning, and the credentials you’re gathering, are important. Consider whether they’re worth the emotional pain of continuing a fractured, demeaning relationship, at least until you find a better job. If so, prepare to eat all the shit this Asshole can dole out and smile in the process.

Perhaps your boss is extra-nice when he’s not in work mode because he’s trying to make up for how mean he is once he’s on the job. You and he can’t stop him from being mean, but you can give him every opportunity to expiate his sins in the long run.

Learn what you can until you’ve acquired the marketability to find a new job, thank him, and respect yourself for the fact that, in addition to acquiring job experience, you’ve also built up strong personal boundaries. It’s not about standing up to your boss, just rising to the challenge, which is something anyone, even Assholes, should be proud of.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t believe how humiliated my boss can make me feel, but I believe the job is taking me where I want to go and I won’t let humiliation affect how I think about myself, rate and do the job, and plan my future.”

My ex-boyfriend, now friend, is a nice person when sober, and we had a wonderful relationship when his drinking was under control. Since his drinking isn’t always under control, I know we can’t be together, but as older gay men, neither one of us has much family (he’s even more alone than I am), and I really care about him besides, so we’re still close. He suffers from a bad back and his latest episode started him binging again and turned him into a horror: irritable, sick, passing out, and then begging for forgiveness. I moved him into my guest bedroom to help him get through it, but I can’t stop worrying about him and there’s no escaping the worst of his rages. My friends tell me I should kick him out, but he has no place to go and I would feel responsible for whatever would happen to him, and it wouldn’t be good. My goal is to figure out what to do with him so I don’t have to worry about him any more.

It’s kind of you to feel protective of your ex-lover’s safety, and wise not to blame him for alcoholism, but lost in the kindness and protectiveness is your obligation to protect and nurture yourself. Caring for a sick alcoholic is not only hard, but it may well sacrifice other friendships, the possibility of new love, and other priorities. Nothing you’ve said assures me that you’ve given thought to your other needs.

Yes, your friend may have a hard time finding a new place to live and he may be vulnerable until he does so, but to make yourself responsible for him is a huge burden to place on yourself, particularly because his problems are likely to continue indefinitely and become heavier as his medical condition worsens. Your friends have reason to be as worried about you as you are about him, and they’re not likely to be half as patient as you are.

Before resigning yourself to an indefinite obligation, list what you’re giving up, not just by how much pleasure you’re sacrificing, but by how meaningful your sacrifice is. Then ask yourself how much good you’re likely to do, in the long run, by caring for your friend.

Remember, alcoholism is ruining the quality of his life and your caring for him is not reversing that process, so the amount of good you can do is limited. Don’t think of it as kicking him out, but deciding that he should live elsewhere since it may, in the long run, do him more good and will certainly do good for you.

You should be pleased that your love has turned into friendship and kindness, but beware of kindness when it’s single-minded and reactive to a relationship. You can always express your good intentions for a friend’s sobriety, but you need to do a better job remembering your other obligations and values and make whatever compromises are necessary to help you, not him, live a balanced life.

STATEMENT:
“I would feel terribly responsible if anything bad happened to my former lover, but I know I’m not responsible for his illness or even for protecting him from it, given that I really can’t. I will give him my love and good advice while remaining responsible for nurturing and guiding my own life.”