Shame and Fortune
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 12, 2015
Like dental surgery, high school, and Bar Mitzvahs, humiliation can be pretty painful, but it’s not always a good thing to avoid. Sure, it sometimes makes you reactive to people and values that don’t really deserve your attention, but other times it alerts you to the fact that you’ve been acting like a jerk and need to change. So, before fighting the fact that you looked or done bad, judge your own behavior to know whether it’s time to clean up your act, or just pay attention to doing what you think is right. Then you’ll gain something from your suffering, even if it’s just knowledge and not passage into manhood.
–Dr. Lastname
Christmas day turned into a nightmare this year because I failed to set a clear boundary with my adult kids, and the fall out has set me back on antidepressants. My soon-to-be ex-husband chose to spend the entire holiday with the family of the woman he had a long affair with. I have tried to be civil to her and my kids have met her for the sake of their father, but when my daughter wanted to set up a Skype session with her dad from my house, it was a step too far for me. My protests were overruled, and it all got worse when one of my other kids became angry and refused to participate, which led to un unpleasant atmosphere and bickering. I intervened only to realize that the woman and my ex could see me and hear what was going on. I felt humiliated and very angry to be put in this situation in my own home. The day was wrecked for all of us and I did not help by getting drunk and overturning the tree. I wish to be able to have minimal contact with my ex while accepting that my kids want him in their lives. My goal is to avoid triggers like this by setting firm and clear boundaries, knowing my limits, and having a coping strategy to maintain self-control.
It’s always hard to set boundaries if you don’t know what you’re setting them for; most middle eastern countries were given fairly arbitrary boundaries, so it’s not surprising that that region and your Christmas experience have an eerily similar level of conflict.
Your intended boundaries may be more purposeful than those given to Pakistan, but if your purpose is to avoid humiliation, then you’re giving top priority to the way you look to other people. Particularly to your ex-husband’s soon-to-be new wife, and she’s the last person whose importance, or even streamed image, you want to amplify.
Instead of worrying about your dignity, remember that you’re your kids’ mother, and you’re managing a tough and unavoidably embarrassing situation. Your goal then isn’t to bolster your pride, but to maintain a positive relationship with the kids without making it necessary for them to walk on eggshells in your presence. No matter how vulnerable and embarrassed you feel, and no matter how good (and drunken, and slapstick-y) your reasons for feeling that way.
Of course, you may be too fragile to tolerate this breakup without breaking down. If possible, however, keep your unhappiness to yourself, without the aid of booze or the audience of Skype. In the meantime, let the kids use any medium to talk to their father, as long as it’s not likely to spoil their good time or intrude too much on yours.
Just because you’re in pain while he’s happy doesn’t mean that you’re the loser; good people often stick with tough tasks while jerks go off to have a good time. If, however, your fear of being a loser makes you lash out or collapse in a way that drives the kids away, then you’ll create the situation you most fear and least deserve.
Set limits that protect the good time you’ve planned while also giving the kids a low-conflict way of staying in touch with their dad. Meanwhile, give them a lesson in how a strong person makes the best of what she values most in life while detaching herself from a relationship that now has nothing good to offer.
Christmas family time can be painful and embarrassing for many people, whether or not they overturn a tree, a family, or their entire lives. One day, you may have enough distance from the event to laugh about it, but in the meantime, put some distance between yourself and your ex while letting your kids travel freely between you two.
STATEMENT:
“I can’t see my ex and his fiancée without feeling as if they’re bathed in a kid-attracting happiness while I’m left sad, alone, and bitter. I know, however, that I’ve done a good job as a mother, the kids love me, and I’m better off without a guy I can’t count on. I will plan my family times as if my ex didn’t exist and show them that hurt and need can’t interfere with the value of our relationship.”
My wife is a hard worker and gives every dime to our family, but then she feels entitled to drink herself to sleep every night after dinner, and boy, is she a nasty drunk. The morning after, when no one wants to talk to her, she complains that she knocks herself out for everyone else, and gets no respect or gratitude, and so she’s entitled to drink some more. The kids stay away from her, and I don’t blame them, especially since I also work my ass off and manage not to be a drunk jerk. My goal is to get her to stop drinking and become a decent mother before the kids write her off completely.
As you know, trying to change a nasty drunk is a good way to get abused; as with angry bees, disturbed bears, or any other illogical, pissed off creatures, nasty drunks can’t be reasoned with, nor can they be expected to take responsibility for or being embarrassed by their behavior. If you can stop yourself from getting moralistic, however, there are good things to say while not picking a fight (that you will inevitably lose).
Be positive about her paycheck, because it provides the family with more options and greater security, and you appreciate how she could misuse it but doesn’t. She feels unhappy and unloved, but she’s helped support the family. That she’s also an Asshole™ is a separate issue.
Don’t assume she knows she’s a jerk, or that she can choose otherwise. Some people, especially drunk ones, have no perception of the harm they’re doing, and suggesting that they should be able to perceive what they can’t just infuriates them and makes them even more unpleasant.
So, after telling her she’s done a great job supporting the family and that she deserves respect for it, calmly assert that she says negative things when she drinks, and her words cause more harm than she realizes. You’re not saying she doesn’t have a right to negative feelings; when and how she expresses them, however, drives people away and causes more negative feelings. She’s caught in a vicious cycle, like so many drunks and Assholes™, and it’s making her a vicious pain in the ass.
Tell her that if she stopped drinking and was more careful with her words, you’re confident she could have a better relationship and be better appreciated. While you acknowledge that it would take work to change her basic behaviors, you can assure her that you and the kids would be there to help in any way possible.
From your point of view, she deserves the respect that drinking and bad behavior prevent her from getting, but her not getting that respect is not your problem. So, if the kids or you have to leave her at some point, it’s not to punish her or negate her contribution; it’s because she just couldn’t fight her drunken nature, and alas, neither can you.
STATEMENT:
“It’s hard to put up with my wife’s verbal abuse, but we’re better off with her than without her, for the time being, and I’ve helped the kids to see that her nastiness is her problem, not ours.”
