Prediction Notice

Posted by fxckfeelings on December 29, 2014

When you’re about to knowingly get involved in an unpleasant situation—job evaluation meeting, lunch with in-laws, childbirth, etc.—it’s natural to mentally prepare yourself in order to make the experience slightly less awful. Sometimes, however, both options—expecting the worst or hoping for the best—can open you to more suffering. So don’t expect to find an antidote to the pain of disappointment, whether or not you can see it coming. Often, bearing it is the only way to carry on, whether that means getting through labor or maintaining flawed but important relationships.
–Dr. Lastname

Please Note: Just as we took a day off on Christmas Day, we’ll be off on January 1st. Here’s to a (mostly) happy and healthy New Year, and we’ll see you in 2015.

My brother drives me nuts, but the sad fact is that I drive myself nuts thinking about how much he’s going to bother me before he and his wife and kids even arrive for family get-togethers. It’s not unjustified; sometimes, he acts like a jerk, criticizes my life choices, and takes my things without asking. Still, in the week or so before I know I have to see him, I find myself imagining all the possible, horrible things he could do or say—some only vaguely possible—and I’m furious with him before he even arrives. Maybe I’m paranoid, or an angry person, but I wish I could stop before I lose my mind or stab my brother for something he hasn’t done. I can’t go through another Christmas like this one. My goal is to not let my brother bother me so much, in my mind and in real life.

Part of you can’t help but love your brother, even if you also hate him, and part of that part hates yourself for hating him so much, or thinking about how you hate him so much, while the rest of you hates thinking about the issue at all. He’s the conflict that just keeps on giving.

The one upside to your emotional clusterfuck of a relationship is that you know better than to attribute your conflict to a single issue that, if you could just talk it out or have a nice, healthy fistfight, would be finally over and done with. You can’t talk out a quagmire, or punch it out, either.

A love-hate (-hate-hate-annoyance-etc.) relationship like this one isn’t going to change soon, although it’s probably obvious to both of you that you love one another, or the negative stuff wouldn’t be an issue. The problem is that negativity is part of the package and no one knows what, other than time, will make it go away.

So accept it, and stop trying to figure out ways of resolving your anger, or you’ll just blame yourself and brother for the fact that it isn’t happening and get angrier and more willing to tear into him for reasons that don’t exist outside your brain. Learn to tolerate anger as part of the package and try to manage it—which is basically what you’re already doing.

In the meantime, limit the amount of time you spend together, and keep busy doing things that take your mind off him. Don’t complain about your life in his presence, describe any problems you’ve been having, or leave any of your belongings that you think he’d enjoy out in the open. The less exposure you and your objects have to him, the better it is for both of you.

What holds a family together is not just love, but a willingness to put up with hate and keep it from breaking out in open conflict. Give yourself credit for the effort required and take pride in your family; some relationships take work—particularly with relatives—and this is one of them.

Hopefully, a day will come when whatever it is that drives your anger will no longer seem important. If it does, and you get to enjoy one another’s company, it will be because of your years of restraint and control. Otherwise, there’s no quick path to conflict resolution with your brother, neither in your brain nor outside of it.

STATEMENT:
“My blood starts to boil when I start thinking about my brother, but we’ve made it this far and we’re still talking. It’s too bad that a relaxing family reunion is not in my future, but I’m proud of my ability to go about my business and act politely and appropriately.”

Even though my two kids were very young, I left their father/my husband because he had no interest in controlling his drinking and I didn’t want them to grow up with a crazy drunk in the house. Thanks to supervised visitation, they only see their father on his best behavior, so I think I did both of us a favor. The only time of year I can’t protect them, however, is around the holidays, when he makes huge promises to them that he could never make good on and regularly breaks their hearts. I don’t know what I can do or say to keep them from being hurt, or from hating their dad, or from hating me for telling them not to trust their dad…I’m just stuck. My goal is to protect my kids from this annual torture.

Your job isn’t to protect your kids from your ex-husband’s drinking and lying, because you have no control over his charming personality or tendency to make false promises, just as you had no control over his drinking in the first place. Besides, it probably would do more harm than good to shut him out of their lives, even if you could. Your job then is to help them make sense of their pain and learn from it, just as you had to.

Of course, his drinking and lying have left you with your own burden of anger and disappointment, and if you share those feelings with your kids, they will probably become protective of their dad and what remains of their relationship with him.

So you’re right to keep your anger to yourself. You can help them, however, if you can control your negative feelings while talking about the meaning of his behavior. Tell them their father has a couple serious problems that make him do things he can’t help, and so he often winds up disappointing people he really loves.

He wants to have a wonderful time with his kids and make them happy, but then he starts drinking and forgets the time. He wants to buy them big presents but discovers he doesn’t have the money. He hates disappointing them, so he tells himself he’ll do better next time and make it up to them with an extra-big present, which he promises and then doesn’t deliver.

Yes, teach your kids the importance of personal responsibility, but also teach them the sad fact that personal responsibility is beyond some people’s capacity. Maybe someday their father will get stronger, but for now, though he has a serious weakness, he still loves them, and, despite his flaws, they should love him back.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t stand watching the way my ex’s drinking and irresponsibility hurt our kids just like he once hurt me, but they know I love them and that they can count on me, even if he always lets them down. I will teach them that his actions aren’t meant as a punishment, but that people they love can sometimes be weak, and that the person getting punished is really their father.”