To Help and Back

Posted by fxckfeelings on December 1, 2014

Everybody needs help sometimes—even Putin could occasionally use a hand dismounting his steed—but not everybody’s idea of what constitutes constructive help is the same. This disconnect can be especially unpleasant in families, because parents instinctively want to help their children, but if their children prefer their help to be more tempered or less tough, feelings are going to get hurt. If you can remember the good intentions behind the bad technique—be you the receiver of help or the giver—you can figure out ways to communicate constructively, even with someone who wants to do right but just can’t help himself.
–Dr. Lastname

I have a pretty good relationship with my mother, but I can’t really talk to her about my problems or ask for advice because she gives me an earful. I know she means well, but she always worries about me and has her own theories about the courses I should have taken in college and the jobs I should have looked for. If anything goes wrong, she has theories about whom I alienated and what I should have done to make people like me. Like, right now, I’m dealing with a bad break up, but I have to pretend to be cheerful on the phone with her, because once she finds out what happened. she’ll list all the ways I ruin relationships or make bad choices in partners. It’s impossible. My goal is pursue my own course without losing her support when I need it or having to hide parts of my life from her.

You’ve obviously gotten good at not taking offense at your mother’s recriminations and learning to accept her tendency to overreact. Unfortunately, understanding is rarely a two way street; just because you accept her flaws doesn’t mean she’ll be able to stop herself from giving you an earful about yours.

So, even though you don’t see her observations as malicious or let them trigger your own doubts, her inability to control her worries or her mouth makes it unlikely that she’s ever going to change.

As much as you’d like to be honest with her about your life, she’s always going to be forthcoming with her criticism if you tell her anything that sounds like a problem. You’re lucky to have a mother who really cares about you, but you’re screwed in that she shows it by carefully listing all of your flaws and mistakes.

If you want someone to share all of your fears and frustrations with, you’d be wise to get a goldfish or houseplant. Then, once you’ve vented to an inanimate audience, figure out how to speak honestly with your mother by finding a way to describe your problems optimistically and with confidence. If you’d like your mother’s help, tell her, but without frightening her. Treat her like a valued investor, not an emergency savior.

If she worries about your security, make it clear that you worry, too, and have examined your risks carefully. If she points out your past mistakes, don’t hesitate to agree when she’s right, and then stress what you learned from them. If she asks you whether you’re frightened, tell her that, of course, you get anxious—after all, you’re her kid—but that doesn’t change the fact that you have good plans and a good support team.

You’re good at ignoring recrimination; if you can give up the hope of ever being able to share raw fear with your mother, you may well be able to tell her more about yourself and gain her support. You’ll never get her to help you on your terms, but if you can present your problems thoughtfully, you won’t have to accept help on her terms, either.

STATEMENT:
“I wish I could get emotional support from my mother when I need it, but she worries too much to stay positive. I know I have her love and I’ll always have her support as long as I can avoid triggering her anxiety.”

My son is a great kid, but I wish he were better able to stand on his own two feet. When he comes to me for help, I get a feeling he wants me to take care of him and solve his problems; I feel bad that right now he’s going through some tough times because his wife is sick, but he acts like it’s my job to make it better. He complains that I’ve done more for his siblings, which makes me worry about his gimme, sob-story attitude and how I’ve spoiled him. My goal is to see him get ahead and become independent while helping him overcome his expectations about getting his income and unconditional support from me.

It’s good that you know your son is a great kid, but it’s weird that you think he’s also potentially a spoiled kid at the same time. In order to figure out where his personality truly lies, you need to think hard about your knowledge of his character and overall experience before deciding that he’s in need of tough love.

Don’t rely entirely on your instincts because they’re reactive to the stress of your son’s emotions. If he’s very anxious about his wife’s illness, or feels criticized by his father, his negative emotions may cause him to appear ungrateful and entitled, so don’t assume the worst based on how he acts when he’s at his worst.

Instead, remember his strengths and ask respectful questions about his assets and needs. If he has always been hardworking, he probably still is, so if he can’t take care of himself and his family right now, there may be good reason. After all, we live in one of the few civilized countries in which health care is considered a luxury.

Be careful not to apply macho standards to him because he’s a guy; do a gender-neutral evaluation of his needs and, if you can’t give him as much as you’d like, make it clear that you have to think of the long run and his and your future needs while you manage your resources.

If you do give to him, don’t do it because he looks needy or angry, but because you think his needs are legitimate and he has made a good effort to take care of them. Remember, you’re on the same side, and you want to help whenever you think it’s necessary. If he’s truly a good kid, then he deserves a good father.

STATEMENT:
“There’s something very worrisome about the way my son asks me for help, but I won’t let emotion get in the way of my ability to assess legitimate need and do what’s necessary.”