Re: Liable Source

Posted by fxckfeelings on October 27, 2014

Along with avoiding conflict, favoring calm, and having taste that’s too sophisticated to tolerate Michael Bay, human beings are also notoriously bad at correctly placing blame or finding the true source of an issue. We punish ourselves for problems that we have no control over and indict others for creating trouble that it’s our job to prevent. Instead of rushing to judgment, we should ignore our thoughts, dreams, and tempers and consult our values first. Then we can decide whether we’ve really done wrong and need to do better, or whether someone else has erred. Either way, we’ll know where the blame truly lies and be able to buck our nature to calmly find a solution.
-Dr. Lastname

I have done a pretty good job of keeping things together through a very tough few years. I have mostly come to terms with the break up of a long and unhappy marriage and become a stronger person as a result. In my waking life I have learned to choose my thoughts and control my feelings and behavior to good effect. The trouble is my dreams, which are frequent and often disturbing. In dream-life I am still very emotional and out of control and tied to past experiences. I will dream I am dancing with my ex or that we have reconciled happily and wake up feeling sad. Or I dream that my new partner is cheating or being an asshole when he has given me no cause to doubt him. Sometimes I wake up in a state of distress after reliving painful events without the benefit of rational thinking and wish I could sleep without being invaded by the bizarre and the uninvited. Are dreams just random or a result of what lurks in the subconscious mind? My goal is to have faith that I have coped quite well with very difficult circumstances and to understand the message behind my restless nights.

It’s a good thing we can’t be held legally responsible for our thoughts or dreams, or we’d all be in jail, riddled with STDs, or kicked out of school due to failing exams we didn’t know we had or excessive public nudity. If the law can’t punish you for your dreams, there’s no reason to punish yourself.

We also know that depression floods us with irrational, negative thoughts, causing us to blame ourselves for everything that has gone wrong and assume that everything will go wrong in the future. So making a big deal about dreams seems like a sure way to magnify the impact of negative thoughts and self-doubts that we neither deserve nor control.

It’s true, there are certain tribal shamans and psychoanalysts who believe dreams are important and perhaps they are, if you’re in serious denial about your true feelings. (Most people, however, find listening to people describing their dreams to be about as interesting as watching soda get flat.)

In your case, you know that you loved your ex and that a rocky marriage left you with deep feelings of doubt. In spite of that love, however, you moved on, and in spite of that doubt, you started a new relationship. The old feelings didn’t go away—now they’re camping out in your subconscious—but they didn’t stop you when it mattered.

So base your faith on your values and achievements, not on the content of your dreams. As for what their hidden message could be, your dreams might be telling you to get checked out for sleep apnea, thyroid problems, or some other treatable medical condition that your doctor could easily find. I assume you’d know if you were depressed or were waking with anxiety attacks. So after checking out medical and psychiatric conditions, read a book on sleep hygiene to see if better habits for napping, exercising and preparing for bed could help you sleep more deeply.

The real message isn’t hidden in your dreams, but clearly broadcast by your restless nights; that you need a partner who doesn’t mind your restlessness and doesn’t wake you easily.

You may not control your dreams, but you can try to do something about your sleep, and that’s the best place to start. After all, a bad night’s sleep with a good partner is better than a good night’s sleep with a bad one.

STATEMENT:
“I sometimes feel haunted by dreams that recall everything sad about my past, but I’m glad to wake up to a life that is no longer troubled by those hard times, and that’s what counts.”

I know I should keep my temper, and most people think I’m a pretty amiable guy, but my girlfriend has a knack for pushing my buttons. She knows it, but she still goes ahead and does it, and then I blow up and I can’t always help what happens next. I’m not proud of my actions, but when she lets loose with the most hurtful words she can think of, I always lose it, and she should know better than to set me off like that. My goal is to get my girlfriend to stop torturing me.

It’s too bad that your girlfriend has a knack for driving you into a rage, but you’re the one who must decide what to do with your feelings, including the feeling that you can’t control yourself. You can’t control her or the way she makes you feel, and perhaps you can’t control your behavior when you’re with her. What you must do, however, is decide what you’re going to do about controlling your own violent behavior.

There’s no use trying to get her to stop because you know it won’t happen; the more you try, the more you cement a potentially dangerous relationship while ignoring your own choices. Like an addict who can’t imagine stopping his addiction until he feels good enough to not need another fix, you can’t imagine ending your relationship or stopping your anger until your girlfriend changes.

Also like an addict, disowning control over your bad behavior is the best way to announce to the world that you’re an Asshole™ who doesn’t have a conscience. You may not deserve your girlfriend’s angry words, but putting responsibility on her for the fact that you lose control is a schmuck-defining move. The fact is, you do have a choice; either get a grip or leave. There’s no one saying that you have to stay with her other than you.

It’s sad that your relationship can become explosive, and it must be painful for both of you. Controlling your actions, however, comes first. Stop thinking about her choices and focus exclusively on your own. If you really feel that she’s in control and that you can’t help yourself, then you can take control by removing yourself from the situation. If you stay and she pushes your buttons, know that you chose to be around to push back.

STATEMENT:
“I may feel like someone has unfairly provoked me, but I’m always the one responsible for not acting like a dick. If I hate to leave someone who provokes me, I can’t help blaming her for destroying our relationship, but I will remain in charge of myself and end any relationship that prompts uncontrollable rage.”