Focus Pocus

Posted by fxckfeelings on October 20, 2014

In this day and age, it’s almost impossible not to know what Attention Deficit Disorder is (or to not have a direct connection to someone who has it, or to not have an opinion on it, just because). On the other hand, very few people are aware of Attention Surfeit Disorder, which is when people habitually get so perfectly focused on the problems that grab them that they can’t see why anything else matters, even if it’s a looming disaster. Whether you can’t focus on any one thing or focus far too much on one thing exactly, be aware that our brains have different ways of focusing, and that each has its own strength and weakness. Then, whether you have a fun diagnosis or not, you’ll be better at managing your priorities instead of following whatever captures your attention.
–Dr. Lastname

I’m curious to your thoughts on subclinical anorexia. I was (voluntarily) hospitalized with anorexia nervosa last year. Since then I’ve managed to keep my weight out of the danger zone, but not up to where my physicians would like it. Honestly, I don’t see the point. Even at my lowest weight I completed an MPH at Hopkins (my third post-graduate degree), I’m in the “healthy” BMI range, technically, and I hold a full time job in addition to teaching science at a local University two nights a week. Who the hell cares if I don’t hit my target weight? My goal is to continue to achieve excellence without worrying too much about what doctors tell me about my weight.

When you focus too much on perfection in one particular aspect of your life, be it in terms of appearance or professional achievement, it’s like searching for a house based on the quality of the faucets; you become so fixated on the gleaming chrome that you don’t notice the lack of square footage, light, or even plumbing.

Obsessional, single-minded focus is always unhealthy when it gets you to disregard whatever else is truly important in your life, like your health and friendships. You tell yourself it’s good to work harder to make yourself better…while losing track of the fact that what you’re sacrificing is worth more than the excellence you’re driven to achieve.

There’s something seductive about Olympic-level achievement, whether it’s pushing an extra mile from tired legs, starving one more inch from your waistline, or cramming another degree into your head while working full-time.

Ambition and perfectionism are obviously good traits under the right circumstances, but they’re also potentially addictive; like any drug, they can take over your life while seeming to give it a richer meaning. If you’ve been hospitalized with anorexia, you know that your tunnel vision is good at focusing on the next sacrifice and shutting out everything else, including being a good person who takes care of her essential needs. As someone with three post grad degrees, you know how dangerous those sacrifices can be.

If you know you’re vulnerable to compulsively perfectionistic behavior, admitting your helplessness to control that behavior is, literally, the First Step (of the twelve) towards self-protection. Acknowledge that, when it comes to achievement, you’ll always tend to disregard other priorities and rationalize away their importance. Then you can learn to protect yourself, slow down, and develop your own criteria for weighing priorities that aren’t compulsion-driven.

Don’t listen to doctors until you have your own, fact-based reasons for deciding what particular weight is healthy for you. Approach it like a science project, gathering evidence and seeking out contradictory opinions. Before labeling a weight as unhealthy, find out what risks are increased by that weight and how likely they are, pretending you’re creating recommendations for a friend or child. Talk about your conclusions with people you trust and see if they agree.

If you can remember what’s more important and follow proper procedures when it comes to evaluating priorities, then you’ll be well equipped to define a healthy weight for yourself, regardless of what the doctors or your own compulsions have to say about it.

Your mind may have a laser-like focus on perfection, but you owe it to the rest of your body to take in the bigger picture. If you don’t, the walls could start crashing down around you.

STATEMENT:
“I take pride in working hard, being disciplined, and looking fit, but I know there are more important values that I must work hard not to forget. I will follow procedures that force me to take those values into account before I let my drive for excellence control my life.”

I love my brother, and he’s a good guy, but he always promises more than he delivers and then covers up the fact that he can’t or hasn’t done what he promised. He’s always the first to volunteer to help, and he’ll often get the small things done, but when it comes to the really big things, you can usually count on him not to come through. And it’s not easy to turn down his offer, because if you tell him you want help from someone else, even if you don’t tell him why, he gets really hurt and upset. I sense he’s really motivated, but then he gets distracted by something else, or he just overbooks himself by offering his assistance to too many people at once without realizing it. I wish I understood why he’s like that because, besides the fact that it’s irritating, it’s been bad for his career, his friendships, his relationships, you name it. My goal is to either help him or at least stop being irritated.

You and others have clearly told your brother he has a problem with over-commitment and distraction, but all it seems to do is motivate him to show how dedicated and caring he is by taking on even more commitments. In trying to prove that he’s a responsible person, your brother takes on more responsibilities, which, of course, he fails.

Of course, it’s possible that your brother is just a lazy, insincere fuckup, but before you jump to that conclusion, ask yourself whether the facts as you know them are more consistent with his being smart and well-motivated but distractible and weak at multi-tasking. If that’s the probable truth, ask him to consider that possibility himself. If he gets defensive, tell him you’re not trying to blame him, just whoever wired his brain, namely, your parents.

If he starts to blame himself, interrupt to tell him to stop criticizing himself for in-born weakness, because kicking someone who is impaired (never use the word broken) is mean. He seems to be trying hard to get the job done, but his brain just won’t let him.

Don’t pretend to know the answer, just insist that the question is worth asking, and that, until he finds an answer, he shouldn’t blame himself. If he finds that he has a born weakness, it’s his job to reduce his expectations and learn special techniques for keeping on track. He may want to try medication, but in the meantime, he certainly shouldn’t pile on more tasks or give himself a hard time for not being normal.

Once you put your own expectations and disappointments aside, you can give your brother lots of useful advice. If he accepts the validity of your question, you’ll have helped him take a constructive step towards becoming a better manager of an unsolvable problem. Even if he doesn’t, you’ll have good cause to feel less angry, and a good attitude for the next time he gamely offers his services.

STATEMENT:
“I wish I could count on my brother to keep his promises, but so does he. I’ll try to lift us out of the cycle of blame by asking polite questions about the (dis)ability of his mental equipment. I won’t hold him responsible for his poor performance but I will invite him to explore his limits and manage them more positively.”