Desire Exit

Posted by fxckfeelings on June 30, 2014

Unless your sexual relationship began with a matchmaker, a bet, or a promise to a dead sibling, it probably started out with the spark of mutual attraction. Being wanted by someone you love is part of the high, but when lust becomes love and love becomes the boring reality of commitment—i.e., when people are too tired and/or comfortable to lie about being in the mood—the high turns into a new kind of emotional low. Sexual frustration feels like love is over, and encountering sexual resentment feels like your prince is a whiny brat. If, however, you can put sex into perspective and value what you’ve found in someone beyond the spark, then you can manage those feelings, which is the true test of love.
–Dr. Lastname

I hate the way my husband isn’t interested in sex as much as I am, and doesn’t want to talk about it; it’s as if he has no respect for my needs, doesn’t appreciate all the hard work I’m doing to support the family, and doesn’t find me attractive anymore. I feel like he got me to marry him by pretending to love me and be interested in me but then just changed his mind. I thought he was cheating on me, because what gay man isn’t interested in sex, but even now that I believe him when he says he’s just stressed about a million things right now (he even cries about it sometimes), I still feel like he should put me first once in a while. Of course, sulking doesn’t exactly make me sexy, so I’m aware I’m being stupid, but having an affair seems like justified payback. My goal is to find a constructive way of responding, getting laid, or at least not having to get a divorce.

Nothing lasts forever, but it’s not clear which eventual loss will pain you more: the end of your marriage, or the decrease in your now-rabid sexual desire. Just because your husband is first to lose his sexual appetite doesn’t mean you should be so quick to sacrifice your partnership for your boner.

No matter who you are, libido is fragile and easily affected by a million factors, from age to illness to humidity level. If, like many men, you’re sexually needy, then you can’t allow yourself to think that true love and a marital commitment guarantee sexual availability. People and circumstances change, which is the only thing you can count on.

It’s also natural, regardless of your expectations, to take it hard when you’re sexually frustrated, as if it were a personal insult. If your partner is uninterested, irritable, and resents your demands, then anger may take over. That leads to bickering that only seems winnable by making your partner feel as needy and wounded as you do. The sex-fueled potential for harm to your marriage is both huge and deadly.

Instead of focusing on sexual deprivation, remember what else you married your husband for and what else he’s brought to your life. Hopefully, he’s a good partner in other ways; does his share, is good company, puts up with you, and contributes to a life that’s better than when you were single. If so, that’s what you need to remember as you deal with the negativism of your anger and try to negotiate a little lovin’. But that good, not-sex stuff is what you truly stand to lose if your anger gets out of control and you get too nasty or start to cheat.

Let him know you value your relationship, first and foremost, before raising the issue of your liking to have sex, particularly with him. You know sex drives can wax and wane for no reason, but there are ways to give and receive sexual pleasure when one person is not really interested, and making such accommodations for one another is a necessity in any marriage.

Beware the negativism of frustrated lust; before you let yourself feel mortally wounded, remember the value you place on your marriage and family. Then you’ll find it easy to make positive propositions that, with a little time and patience, will get you laid, at least until age makes your boner less persistent and your brain can claim more control.

STATEMENT:
“I feel I married someone who liked to give me love and now doesn’t want to give me the time of day, but I’m not stupid and I know how much my husband contributes to our marriage. I will keep my wounded feelings in check, accept his response as a sad fact of life, and rely on our strong relationship as I negotiate a favor.”

I don’t know what’s happened to me after our third child, but I’ve stopped having sexual feelings, particularly towards my husband. After the last baby, I just started to find sex annoying and wanted to be left alone and get some sleep. My husband pretends he understands, but he mopes around, acts pissy, and that makes me more irritated and confused as to how I ever respected him. The thing is, I do respect him, he’s a good guy, but the tension this whole thing creates is taking more and more of a toll on our relationship. My goal is to recover my libido and some weird kind of respect that went with it.

One of the main reasons the words “healthy sex” are oxymoronic is that neediness is seldom sexy, and a lack of sex causes horny people to feel needy. When you’re in love and courting, or even just getting to know a hot date, sex may be there for the asking because you’re both turned on and/or no one wants to say no if they want things to continue. Later, it’s another story; when you have kids, sleep is the new sex, and vice versa.

Ideally, before you decide whether to marry, you should know what your partner is like when s/he is needy and know you can accept it. That’s because feelings sparked by sexual neediness can become so negative so quickly (see above). Some people, when they feel needy, immediately feel angry, screwed, and insulted.

So don’t let the cloud of feeling-screwed-by-not-screwing infect you, too. First, ask yourself whether you’re irritable and sensitive because of depression (which also decreases sex drive). If you are, let him know that there’s a not-personal reason, that it won’t last forever, and that you’ll explore treatment options. Meanwhile, you’ll see what you can stand to do.

Assuming you feel the marriage is worthwhile, don’t let irritability and disrespect shape your response. Let him know you value the relationship and that, if he really wants sex, you’ll try to find a way to give him pleasure. You may not be able to get sexual pleasure yourself, at this stage, but give and take occurs on many levels in a marriage, and it’s probable that your giving will pay off in other ways.

Sooner or later, one-sided sexual attraction tests most marriages with ugly, nasty feelings. Keep in mind what you value most about your marriage and respond as if you were being asked for any favor, and you’ll find you can negotiate a solution that keeps the sexual demons in check. Then you can have a healthy marriage, even if there’s no sex at all.

STATEMENT:
“I hate feeling guilted into doing something I really don’t feel like doing, when I’m already tired and can think of many other things that need to be done or that I’d rather be doing, but I know my husband would feel much better if I can satisfy his sexual needs, and I value our relationship. I’ll keep my feelings in check while I find a way to give him sexual pleasure.”