Regret and Believe

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 10, 2014

If you think of your life as a rollercoaster—and there are plenty of inspirational posters that would like it if you did—than the downhill plunges will feel uncomfortable, scary, and inducing of barf. Whether you’re looking back on your best days or your worst decision, it’s hard not to fear the transitions and wonder what you did wrong to fall so profoundly, even when you’re not at fault. If, however, you accept your current low as a painful fact of life that hasn’t changed your values or basic priorities, then you need never feel like a failure and instead can take pride in enduring whatever life throws at you and still working hard. Then life will be less like a scary rollercoaster, and more like a steady old road.
–Dr. Lastname

I wish I could stop thinking about how I’ve ruined my life. I used to be comfortably well off and never worried about the food bill, basic repairs, or even taking a vacation. Then I had to make a major financial decision about my capital and decided to put it all into an investment that was a total bust. There’s no point in explaining everything that went wrong, but, by the time I got out of it, I was broke, and now, every time I thing about it, the bills I haven’t paid, or the phone calls from creditors I have to constantly ignore, I want to throw myself out a window. It was the biggest, stupidest mistake of my life, and I shouldn’t have believed any of the advisers who said it was a good risk. My goal is to stop being haunted by the feeling that my life is, or should be, over.

If you judge your actions by how they happen to turn out, then every bad luck turd that comes your way is a personal failure, including: getting the flu (you were too stupid to get a shot!); getting laid off (too foolish to prepare for the recession); and getting hit by a meteor (too busy watching “Real Housewives” to buy a telescope).

In a fair world, where everything is safe and predictable, you’d be right, but in this world, you’re just being mean to yourself over something that probably couldn’t have been helped.

Not only aren’t you at fault, you’re also not alone, because whenever anything bad happens in the world, we ask ourselves where somebody, from the President to the Koch brothers to the sinners who angered Jebus, went wrong. We can’t stand not being in control and always need someone to blame, even if the person we’re kicking is ourselves.

In your case, I assume you took good advice and didn’t make an impulsive decision since nothing you say suggests that you didn’t do proper due-diligence. The odds were good, your luck was bad, and now you need all your strength to survive.

So don’t make your task more difficult by experimenting with self defenestration i.e., taking a leap from a window. We all want financial security, but there are some things you learn about only when you’ve had to deal with poverty, creditor calls, and hard choices. With luck, you’ll survive this experience and learn things about life and yourself that you wouldn’t otherwise have known and you’ll be stronger in the long run. First, however, you need to focus on survival in the short-term.

Instead of criticizing past decisions, focus on acquiring the skills to reduce your expenses, sell assets, and market your services. It may feel overwhelming at first, but you’ll find that you can do it, and that you have more options than you realize. You’re the most important resource you have.

If your goal isn’t to undo the past, but manage the present, you’ll do fine. Just keep the blame at bay, and keep passing the open windows.

STATEMENT:
“It hurts to think about how much easier life used to be and hard not to think about what I did wrong, but I know life is unfair and painful and I’m not particularly weak or badly equipped. I’ll do everything I can to deal with this crisis and, in the end, I’ll come out better for the experience.”

I was the classic golden boy in high school: popular, athletic, and loved by everybody. By the time I graduated I was captain of the basketball team, had a gorgeous girlfriend, and was the king of the world (or at least my town) who could get away with anything. Since then, things have gone nowhere but downhill. An injury prevented me from playing in college, and I wasn’t that good at academics, so I left without a degree. I moved back home and used my connections to get a sales job that I do OK at, but there isn’t much money in it, and there’s certainly no glory. My wife and I have two kids, but she’s never happy about my job, so I go out in the evenings to relax, and our marriage is in trouble. Somewhere I’ve lost my way, and all my confidence and mojo with it. My goal is to figure out how to get back to the success I know I’m capable of.

Experiencing good luck after a hard life is much easier than experiencing bad luck after an easy life; if we feel responsible for how our lives turn out (see above), then reversals feel like failures, regardless of whether we’re to blame for them or whether it’s just life being life.

In your case, your gifts suited you perfectly for high school, so everything fell into place. Your hard work as an athlete paid off and, with a little luck, would have carried you through college. Instead, you had bad luck—an injury—so, while you didn’t make a mistake, per se, you were no longer a perfect match for your environment. That means your goal isn’t to find your way back to success; it’s to take your skills, and what you’ve learned about life, and find a way to fit into a new environment.

The first thing is not to compare your happiness and wealth now to what they were then. If you feel like a loser, or try to re-capture the past, you make your job that much harder. Instead, prepare to start over and redefine who you are based on what you’ve got now.

Your first job is to get the best job you can, even if that requires finding a good job counselor. See what you can do to train for your next career, or, if your counselor thinks you’re well suited for your work, make a strategy for finding a better paying position. If there are no jobs where you live, talk to your wife about moving. Be sure you’re doing your best, regardless of whether it gets you somewhere now or a year from now.

Then face your wife with pride and take ownership of your role as partner and father. Like you, she may be overwhelmed by the stress of real life, so let her know you know that life can be tough but that you’re happy to have a good partner and good kids, and you’re going to work hard to better the family. You understand she’s stressed, but you don’t want to hear criticism every evening as much as she doesn’t want to hear you starting your car to go out.

Don’t let the downturn in your fortune push you into the familiar trap for former high school stars of becoming passive, resigned, or drunk. This part of your life is hard, but you can do it if you keep your perspective, work hard, and let this new part of your life begin by letting go of what’s gone.

STATEMENT:
“I’ve lost my confidence, I’m in a rut, and everything seems to be going downhill, but I’m a big boy, I always knew life would get tougher, and I’m good at tolerating pain. I know I’ve got a good family and can make my life better by staying home at nights and getting serious about work and fatherhood.”