Job Lurch

Posted by fxckfeelings on October 10, 2013

There’s no perfect way to deal with someone close to you when, due to depression, discouragement, and/or plain laziness, they become too dependent on you for support; whether your strategy is to give loving comfort or a tough kick in the pants, their attitude tends to defeat them and their would-be helpers. If you wish to help someone who is under-engaged in life, whether your motivation is love or self-survival, don’t wait for the underactive to feel rejuvenated. Instead, create a regimen and reward progress with gifts, food, and/or good ol’ verbal encouragement. Then, if they still don’t do their share, decide on the support you think is right to provide, knowing that change is not an option, but cutting them off is.
–Dr. Lastname

My younger son is 23 and living at home. He dropped out of university and has drifted since, working abroad for a while, now doing an office job on a temp contract for the past year. When not at work he sleeps in and is lackadaisical in direction. I am going through a divorce from his father and working very hard in a low-paying job. I am also having to support my daughter through the collapse of her marriage. My son wants to quit his job which he dislikes and sees as a dead end and use the time to pursue a career. His earnings are paying for some of his bills and he hasn’t saved much although I charge very little rent. I fear his half-hearted approach will soon return and resent coming home from a tough shift at work to find him still in bed. My goal is to be supportive without feeling used and resentful. I am worried about him but nagging wears me out and I have problems of my own.

Whatever career your son hopes to pursue, let’s hope it’s not one that requires basic skills of observation; you’re obviously stretched out, so if he thinks he can rely on you when he doesn’t have income, he’s not just oblivious to your situation, but his own.

Even if he doesn’t realize it, you know that his business plan is heavy on dreams and light on discipline. Instead of expressing anger, skepticism, or disappointment, however, ask him whether he sees himself as having a problem with avoidance. Shame may have made him lie about his difficulties and pretend that he’s done more than he has. If he can acknowledge the problem, you can offer him coaching, advice, and incentives for building good habits. You may not be able to help support him financially, but you’ve got emotional support in spades.

If he doesn’t own up to his problem, spell out your own view without describing it in terms of moral irresponsibility, lying, or being stupid. Describe it as if he, like you, would like him to succeed at working and getting ahead, but something has been getting in his way for many years. You’ve got some ideas for helping him build a routine and get going on his job search.

Then, with or without his cooperation, put together a plan that would protect you from œwasting your resources and incentivize him to make better use of what he’s got. Start by charging him substantial rent, so as to reduce his temptations. Then use the rent to pay him to do what he needs to do, including getting a career counselor and spending a regular number of hours every day on a job search. If he sabotages himself by sleeping late or not returning calls and emails, incentivize him to overcome these bad habits by charting them and rewarding him for improvement.

If he complains that he’s being controlled and infantilized, assure him that you see him as an adult with a problem, not as a kid, and that you always respect his right to live elsewhere if he wishes. As long as he’s living at home, however, you have rules for giving him what he needs, which is a job search boot camp.

With rules and good coaching, he’ll hopefully see the reality of the situation—that he needs to get his act together, and you need to get a break.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t see my son sleeping in or hear his half-assed plans without feeling pissed and worried, but I know what he needs to do and I have good ideas for getting him on track, if he’s willing to accept my help. Otherwise, he may need to live elsewhere.”

I’d like to see my boyfriend get a job, but he’s been depressed and I don’t think he’s been able to do very much. He sleeps late, watches a lot of TV, and then, around 11 PM, he goes out to see his friends. I hate to ask him what he’s doing because he takes it as criticism, and I want to give him confidence. My goal is to figure out what kind of help he needs so I can get him back on his feet.

If your boyfriend doesn’t have a trust fund, you’re probably supporting him, which is certainly a loving thing to do for a depressed partner. What you need to ask yourself, however, is whether what’s impairing his job-seeking is depression alone, or whether he’s also having trouble making a good solid effort because he has a bad attitude and/or is abusing alcohol. If he’s not too depressed to leave the house, he shouldn’t be too depressed to check job listings on Craigslist.

Check out his attitude by asking him whether he has a plan in mind for getting re-employed and is trying to make it happen every day, or whether he is putting off the job search until he feels better, which is what I mean by a bad attitude. If he’s waiting until he feels better, and nothing is likely to make that happen, than it’s time to be realistic about the likelihood of his recovering, regardless of how much you help him. He may be stuck, not because he’s depressed, but because he doesn’t have the values and desire to push himself in spite of depression.

Ask yourself whether his depression has lasted a long time and whether he’s had trouble getting himself going in the past, particularly when there was someone around who could take care of him. If his depression or depressions seem to linger, and if he doesn’t seem capable of rousing himself except when he has no choice, then you’re not going to see him get better unless you create an incentive that isn’t just support and kind words.

If you think he needs pushing, do it, as in the case above, by identifying activities you think he can do to increase his independence, and then paying him to do them. No, you’re not waiting for him to feel better and you’re not sure how much he can do, but you believe strongly that work is the best therapy. Lay out a work plan that includes household chores, see how much he can do, and use that information to determine the kind of work he can do.

Use whatever incentives you can to reward him. Hopefully, he’ll see that you’re helping him do something he needs to do for himself. Only if he doesn’t accept your help or doesn’t do things to help himself will you be forced to decide whether to support him for the rest of his life, or give him the ultimate motivation to get his shit together, a.k.a., the door.

STATEMENT:
“I hate to see my boyfriend depressed and my first instinct is to nurture him without expecting much in return, either for me or himself. If he is not able to create expectations for himself, however, I need to do it for both of us and see if he can become an active partner instead of a sick dependent.”