Couple Vision

Posted by fxckfeelings on October 3, 2013

Whenever the topic of healthy relationships comes up, you’ll inevitably hear about compromise, balance, putting your socks in the hamper and not somewhere on the ground near the hamper, etc. Unfortunately, emphasis is rarely put on the importance of maintaining your own autonomy and remembering not to put your partner’s feelings and judgments ahead of your own. Any strong bond can suck you in—love, sex, and/or fear can do it—and if you’re too far gone, you don’t see your own options, just the way your overly significant other would feel. If you feel trapped then, don’t believe it. You will always find you have more choices than you think if you can create a little breathing room, remember who you are, and think for (and thoughtfully clean up after) yourself.
–Dr. Lastname

My friend has been in a potentially harmful relationship for a long time. I won’t go into details, but the people around her and especially herself could get hurt because there is illegality involved. Somehow, my friend is completely oblivious to the dangers and sheer shady and depraved aspects of it. The two met and started a relationship over text, and that’s how they mainly communicate because he lives in another state. They meet every few months and shack up in a hotel for a weekend in secret. I’ve been conflicted between being her friend and trying to protect her. I feel like I can’t protect her, because she’ll do what she wants, but I tell her I worry about her and when I do, I feel like an asshole. She thinks that when I tell her I worry about her, I’m judging her, and when she thinks that, she lies to me. It’s confusing because I don’t know how to be the “everything’s fine, fuck the law” type because I know it’s wrong and not just because it’s against the law. I just don’t know what to think or do or feel about it at all.

Sometimes you can’t help worrying about someone else’s danger, but expressing your worry can often trigger more risk-taking, probably because you’re making someone else responsible for your feelings, just as you’re taking responsibility for theirs. In other words, when you feel worry, she gets it in her head she doesn’t have to.

So accept the fact that you’re worried for good reason, but shut up about it. Instead, express your concern in a way that’s positive, unemotional, and focused on your friend’s self-management.

Without questioning your friend’s love for thrills, sex, and lost weekends, ask her what she’s risking and whether what she’s gaining is worth it. If she tells you not to worry, tell her that your worry is not the issue—what you’re concerned about is whether she thinks the risk is worth it, after giving it enough thought to know what it is.

While sparing the drama, ask her how she’d manage the worst-case scenario, adding any information you have about her chances of getting caught or implicated in her boyfriend’s activities, and what would happen then. Many women in prison are not there for their own schemes, but for helping their boyfriends who then rat them out. Don’t raise these issues dramatically or as criticism of her boyfriend, just as facts that require her to think through the odds.

If she refuses to consider the risks, changes the subject, or accuses you of being a wet blanket, don’t get emotional or insist that you know the risk better than she does. Instead, let her know you worry about her refusal to manage her own risks. If she decides to take risks, that’s her business, but if she makes no decision at all because she’s too involved with her boyfriend’s life to think about her own needs, then her sex, and relationship, are truly unprotected.

From that point on, don’t feel obliged to repeat yourself; just give her a look that says either “I’m sorry you’re not taking care of yourself,” or, “I know you’ll be stronger and better off if you do.” Don’t express disapproval for her hot weekends, just for her refusal to face and manage her own risks.

Hopefully, she’ll escape trouble. If not, you can encourage her to learn from the experience and become strong, independent, and in charge of whatever risks she chooses to take. First, however, she has to start learning to think, and worry, for herself.

STATEMENT:
“It’s hard not to feel and express fear for my friend when I think of the risks she’s taking for the sake of her Bonny-and-Clyde affair, but I can’t be her mother and she wouldn’t listen to me if I was. Instead, I will remind her that there are steps she needs to take before she can truly say that she has made her own decisions.”

I wish I could get my husband to stop bullying me. He doesn’t hit me, but he has an endless number of putdowns whenever we’re in the same room, so I just spend all my time in the kitchen or bedroom, just to stay away from him. I know what you’re thinking, and I’d divorce him if I could afford to, but I don’t make much money at my full time job and my parents are divorced and can’t take me in, so I feel trapped. If I try to confront him, he just gets nastier. My goal is to find a way to feel less depressed and helpless.

As dominated as you feel by your husband and his nastiness, ask yourself whether you’re really as helpless as you feel you are. You certainly have reason to feel helpless if your goal is to escape your husband’s feelings or change his mind, but not if your goal is to get away and support yourself. You were once an independent woman and you’re determined to work, so it’s probably much less impossible than you think. My guess is that you haven’t investigated your options because you don’t believe you have any.

Don’t tell me it won’t make any difference because anything you do or say will just make him nastier and your life will get that much harder; once you focus on his reactions, rather than your own options, you give him the power of a parent and reject your own ability to choose, judge, and take independent action. Stop thinking about what he’ll say and start thinking about what you can do to find shelter, food, money, and legal help.

Your goal isn’t to focus on your husband’s evilness, it’s to awaken the part of you that knows how to manage resources and put your own judgment ahead of your fear of your husband’s reactions. That makes it less of an emotional matter than a logistic and legal one, so get some coaching from a state clinic or legal aid. If you trust your own judgment, you’ll find you have much less to fear than you think.

When you know your options and respect your own choices, you don’t have to run away. Instead, tell him you’ve done nothing to deserve his criticism and you won’t hear it any more. If he can’t stop it, you’ll do whatever reasonable action you think is necessary. Speak with confidence, and don’t plead or explain. You may not get your husband to improve his behavior, but you’ll certainly give yourself the respect and options you deserve.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like a helpless prisoner, but I know I have the skills to live independently and that I’ve done nothing to deserve shit from my husband. Without having to win an argument or convince him of anything, I can let him know what I will do if he doesn’t stop and then do it, knowing that I can take care of myself.”