Whose Problem is the Problem?

Posted by fxckfeelings on April 22, 2009

Admitting you have a drinking problem is the first of the 12 steps, but what if you aren’t really sure you have a problem, despite what people close to you say? Today’s cases show how seeking treatment for your addictions and seeking the approval of others are two things that don’t necessarily go hand in hand.
—Dr. Lastname

I’m a little frustrated with my job right now, so every night after work, I like to have a few beers with dinner to relax. Problem is, I’m a skinny Indian guy, so a few beers is enough to make me pretty tipsy (which means I get loud, maybe a little annoying, sloppy, whatever). My roommate has joked that it’s time for an intervention for my alcoholism, but he’s joked about it enough that I’m not sure he’s joking anymore. I’ve always thought an alcoholic is someone who drinks constantly, blacks out, can’t be trusted, and I’m none of those things. I mean, I go out to bars on weekends sometimes and drink ‘til tipsy (or further), but I don’t sneak beers at the office or anything, and I don’t think I need my nightly beer-o (beer trio), although I haven’t tried to go without it, because I really don’t want to. So my goal is to figure out what to do with my drinking problem, which I think is more my roommate’s problem than mine.

Your goal with drinking isn’t to avoid meeting someone’s definition of alcoholism: it’s to have a good time without screwing up your priorities. Sure, those priorities include keeping your job and fulfilling other important obligations—which you claim to have no problem with—but they also include keeping good friends and not limiting your friendship circle to those who like being tipsy, sloppy and annoying.

If you’re driving away good people who don’t enjoy alcohol as much as you do, i.e., if your roommate’s really saying that he likes you but would rather spend his evenings with someone who is quieter and less jolly, then you’ve got a problem that needs management whether you call it alcoholism or not. The longer you argue about whether your drinking is medically dangerous or gives your roommate the right to be critical, the longer you’re putting off the management job. Call it alcoholism or call it lice, either way, you drinking habits are messing up your life and need to be addressed.

Also, just because you think it’s easy for you to stop drinking doesn’t mean it’s not actually a problem. I agree that you need to know whether it’s easy for you to stop, and, surprise, the best way is to experiment with stopping entirely. Stop for a month and see how you feel, and, while you’re at it, see if sobriety improves your ability to pursue your priorities, because that’s what you’re doing it for.

If you think you don’t need total abstinence, find out the truth by experimenting. Don’t get distracted by wishful thinking, debating, or arguing.

So congratulations for defining an issue that needs investigation. Find out if your drinking is driving good friends away. See if you can stop and/or reduce drinking to a level that doesn’t cause this problem. Then you’ll be managing the problem to your own standards.

STATEMENT:
To help you avoid over-reacting to other people’s feelings about your drinking, compose a statement outlining your own approach to alcohol management. “It’s my job to prevent drinking from interfering with my life priorities and I appreciate warnings from anyone who believes that is happening. I welcome concrete information indicating drinking has endangered my safety, health, parenting, or key relationships. I must conduct my own investigation, come to my own conclusion, and tolerate possible differences of opinion without seeking to change them.

No matter what I do, my parents still see me as a fuck-up. Sure, I used to give them grief and do stupid things, but that was a really long time ago. I mean, yes, I was always a wise guy in school, class clown, underachiever, minor trouble-maker, and then, when I started to drink a lot and smoke way too much pot, I totaled their car and upset them a lot. But I’ve been sober for 4 years, have a regular job, go to meetings and overall have become a pretty responsible guy. Still, they won’t see it. I’ve told them I’m sorry and want to make amends, but they treat me like I’m still bad and irresponsible and not to be trusted and, if I get angry when they won’t listen to reason or really just refuse to be compassionate, it’s proof that I’m the same old jerk. My goal is to get them to see that I’m sorry and accept the new me.

Getting your parents to understand and accept you the way you are is never a good goal; you can’t control their response, your failed efforts to do so will drive you crazy, and your frustration will cause you to act like the jerk you used to be. That will prompt your parents to say “there you go again,” which will really flip you out, and provide me with steady business.

Think James Dean in East of Eden. It’s sad that they can’t appreciate what you’ve accomplished, but it’s wonderful that you’ve done it, and now you need to take your recovery up a level by reducing your need to have it stamped and validated. Sooner or later, you need to manage your need for their approval so that it doesn’t endanger your progress.

Your goal with your parents, now that acceptance is out of the question, is to make the best of things while protecting yourself as much as possible. Define for yourself what it means to be a good adult child; this means maintaining some level of contact, interest and, if necessary, protection, but it doesn’t require intimacy, resolution of differences, or long conversations. So stay in touch, but don’t let the conversation drag on or get personal, and remember, you have the right to stop a conversation that gets critical or disrespectful. If you want their understanding, you’ll need to keep talking, defending, and protesting, and they’ll wear you down and out. If you know you can’t have it, you’ll give yourself the next best thing: solid protection against unfair intrusion.

Meet your own standards, and give yourself extra congratulations. It’s wonderful to be greeted as the prodigal son after getting your act together, but it’s a bigger achievement to do the same thing while being humiliated and misunderstood.

STATEMENT:
Try composing a statement of your own position. “I respect my independence and sobriety and I share those values with my parents. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished. For reasons that I don’t understand and can’t change, my parents can’t give me credit for my accomplishments. I’m particularly proud that I haven’t let their negative feelings stop me from treating them respectfully and meeting my obligations as I see them.”