Anti-Explanation League
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 29, 2013
Explanations, like apologies and “I love you’s, are often forced, overly weighted, and more trouble than they’re worth. No matter how problematic, these verbal tokens are always in demand, which is why people sometimes ask you for explanations that aren’t owed and sometimes don’t give you ones that are. In either case, ignore your instinct to smooth things out or listen to lame excuses; instead, learn to recognize when someone else’s sense of right and wrong is different from yours and when further conversation will do more harm than good. That’s when your job is to accept no further talk—no empty excuses, “sorry”s, or declarations of love–and let actions do your talking.
–Dr. Lastname
My brother really gets under my skin by asking me to do things he has no right to expect, as if he’s entitled to my help simply because I’m his brother. He never considers whether he has a right to something; if I have it and he wants it, he expects me to fork it over because we’re family. The latest was his wish to be invited to my wife’s family’s vacation home when we’re taking a vacation there (along with my wife’s family). I explained to him that I have no right to invite him, and there’s no room, and my in-laws don’t like a crowd. No matter, he still walked away pissed, as if I wouldn’t even try to get him what he wants. I know he’s like this with everyone, but what I want to know is why does it get to me so much and how can I explain to him that this is something I just can’t do for him and he’s wrong to expect it?
Your brother may be wrong to expect you to hand him an invite to a house that isn’t yours to invite him to, but false expectations seems to run in the family; that may be why you expect yourself to explain the obvious to him, and get through to him if you do.
If you want to be less reactive to your brother’s unreasonable demands and get out of the family habit of false moral assumptions, have more respect for your own sense of right and wrong.
Between your brother’s reputation for expecting people to do things for him simply because he wants them to and your many good reasons for not inviting him to join you on your vacation, you shouldn’t doubt yourself. You shouldn’t make yourself responsible then for providing him with an explanation, getting him to see your point of view, or agreeing with you.
You may wish you could stop him from having a bad, entitled attitude that turns people off and gets him into trouble, but you know that he hasn’t responded to advice and constructive criticism in the past. Don’t make yourself responsible for his enlightenment when Jesus could personally invite him to a “come to Me” moment, and that would be the one invite your brother would refuse.
In addition, you do have a responsibility to protect yourself from unreasonable demands; you’ve got better things to do than explain and defend your actions when you know you’re right in the first place. Of course, it’s human nature to feel responsible for your brother’s unhappiness, and the need to placate him with reasoning is like the instinct to grab a bottle for a crying baby. Your job, however, is not to pick up the bottle, make him stop crying, or put an end to the painful feelings you get when you can’t satisfy him. It’s to stop, think, and consult your own experience and ethical values to decide what’s best and then act accordingly.
Since you’ve already decided his expectations are his problem, not yours, give yourself the right to stop stupid conversations. Instead of explaining yourself, tell him you don’t like his idea and, if he can’t see why, there’s no point in talking about it– be friendly, but firmly refuse to continue the conversation. It’s not your job to explain yourself when you know he won’t or can’t listen, but instead to stop the conversation and make sure it stays stopped.
If you’re thinking that stopping the conversation won’t work, that’s only because you can’t let go of the idea that it’s more important to get through to him and get a positive response than it is to set a limit on bad behavior. He may walk off in a huff, and you may feel guilty, and a sadness may temporarily spread across the land. Either way, you’ll both survive, and if you express confidence and conviction, you will have shown him and yourself that irrational guilt has no power to control you when you know you’re right. Next time, he’ll know that you won’t talk about certain stupid topics, regardless of whether he thinks they’re OK, and that his efforts won’t get your goat.
If you can’t expect him to listen to or like what you have to say, there’s no reason to say it. Time to take that expectation trait and suppress it into dormancy.
STATEMENT:
“I wish I didn’t feel so responsible when my brother tells me I haven’t done enough for him but I know now that his expectations are always distorted and that he just can’t see it. I will protect us both from his bad ideas by saying no with brevity and conviction and then refusing to explain or continue the conversation.”
It upsets me that I can never get my husband to explain why he feels entitled to go out most evenings and hang out with his brother and other buddies in a bar. He mutters something about not being happy with our marriage, but he doesn’t explain how or why, nor does he ever contribute much money, try to talk to me, or make any effort to spend time with our kids, even when he’s not out on the town. He says his brother is the only person who appreciates him and makes him feel happy. What can I do to get him to actually talk to me, his wife? If he’s going to ditch our marriage, I deserve to know why so we can try to fix it.
Your husband owes you an explanation for not being a good partner or father, but you know you won’t get it. You also know he’s irresponsible about many things, not just your marriage. So ask yourself why you feel his response is more important than your own opinion about what he should be doing, and your own judgment about the state of your marriage, even if the answer might not be to your liking.
There’s no answer he could give you that would make his actions right in your eyes (or those of anyone with self-respect), because, regardless of whether he has stopped loving you or whether you’ve behaved badly, he’s not doing his job. He may blame his behavior on the fact that you’ve given him some bad feelings, but that sort of emotional slight-of-hand is an Asshole™ specialty.
So now you’ve got two problems, not one; he’s not being a good partner and he’s being an Asshole. (As you know, Assholes™ always justify their actions in terms of the bad feelings they get from others, because nothing bad that happens is ever their fault.) Continuing a conversation with an Asshole™ is asking to be covered with shit.
Of course, it’s human nature (see above) to want to smooth things out with someone you love and have children with, so it’s normal to yearn for a heart-to-heart in which he shares his complaints, realizes he’s been a jerk, and re-commits himself to the marriage. That’s likely to happen, however, only in a science fiction movie in which his mind is taken over by a romantic, Borg-like being with a stronger sense of ethics and no weakness for alcohol.
Respect your own views about good partnership and stop waiting for an explanation. You know you’ve got a bad partner and that you can’t turn things around without his help, which you’re not going to get through talk. Instead of exposing yourself to all his Asshole™ side has to offer by further listening, start protecting yourself and your kids from this shit.
Assuming he’s not going to change, decide on the best course of action for you and the kids. Then declare your intentions without defending or explaining. If you think it’s worthwhile, tell him what he must to do to get you to suspend your plans. If he then claims he wants the deal, monitor his actions, not his words.
If you believe that your definition of partnership is reasonable and that you’ve done nothing to deserve his behavior, then don’t let your wish for a better relationship prevent you from trusting your own observations, making up your own mind, and doing what’s best for you and your family. Your expectations are fair, but your husband isn’t; hopefully, with good limits and, possibly, a good lawyer, you will start being fair to yourself.
STATEMENT:
“I’d like to get through to my husband and I hate the feeling of causing conflict, but I know I’m not responsible for his behavior and I can’t get him to take responsibility for it. I’ll accept that talk won’t make him change, figure out what’s best for me and the kids, and do it without feeling I owe anyone an apology or explanation.”
