Assessment, Development

Posted by fxckfeelings on July 11, 2013

While “crisis management” is fairly well-known (at least if you’re Paula Deen), we see our field as pre-crisis management, because, more often than not, it’s easier to predict a personal disaster than a natural one. Sometimes people enter into a perfectly predictable crisis because acknowledging the warning signs would ruin the romance, and other times they see the signs but keep on going anyway because planning ahead takes too much work and maybe involves math. In either case, as long as you don’t blame yourself too much and accept the fact that caution will often force you to stop when you’d really like to go forward, there’s nothing that can stop you from learning, doing better, and managing yourself before a crisis can take hold.
–Dr. Lastname

I recently relocated to a new state for better opportunities and to salvage my marriage. In the midst of everything I grew extremely fond of a co-worker and eventually fell in love, and during my new relationship, my husband moved out and we separated. Shortly after, the other man explained that his ex kept contacting him saying she was pregnant and that it could be his (they broke up three months before we met). She is married as well so she wasn’t sure who the father was. Anyway, the baby was born a few weeks ago and paternity has been established that it is his. Since he found out it is his we see each other less and less. He explains that he doesn’t want to be with her and loves me, but to see the baby, I can’t be around. I believe that if he truly loved me he would go about this the legal way, set up visitation and we can resume our relationship. I love him a great deal, but really don’t know how to handle this situation. All of my friends say jump ship and that it’s nothing but drama, I am having a hard time doing so. I really need some no nonsense, direct and honest advice.

When you fall in love with someone, you’re often eager to accept their explanations for the odd decisions they’ve made in their lives; money can’t buy love, but love can afford you a lot of forgiveness. Especially when you’ve made some odd decisions yourself.

Now that the honeymoon (and divorce, and new honeymoon) is over, it’s time you reviewed the facts, dug up more if possible, and asked yourself whether your boyfriend has ever managed commitment before, particularly when he had to do a little multitasking at the same time.

Review his past relationships; his last girlfriend was married, so you wonder whether she was really available for a partnership and whether he wanted her to be. You also wonder what his understanding was about birth control, assuming he gave it some thought. At the same time, his lack of interest in setting up a regular visitation schedule with his child makes you wonder whether he’s a seat-of-the-pants, in-the-moment kind of guy who tends to respond to impulses without thinking of where they will lead or whether he has any other priorities that deserve and need attention. If you’re looking for red flags, then his romantic history resembles a pep squad in a parade.

You friends are right, but you don’t need to take their word; yes, skip the drama, but in doing so, re-examine the facts. It’s hard to think of a reason why his discovering fatherhood should force him to drop you, other than that he is using the baby as an excuse to avoid commitment or is someone who can’t burp a baby and get ready for a date at the same time. In either case, there’s nothing you can do to preserve this relationship, but a great deal you can do to learn from it and avoid making the same mistake again.

Before you do that, by the way, take some time to learn what you can from your almost-over marriage. Ask yourself whether there was something wrong with your husband as a partner, or whether you get restless because there wasn’t enough drama in your life. I’m not suggesting that’s your problem, but you need to check it out, because if you want a steady, long-term relationship, the only drama you’ll have room for is Homeland.

You need to know whether your problem is bad screening, bad management of your own needs, or both. For now, you already know deep down that this guy’s excuses aren’t adding up, so if you want to be with someone you can count on, ditch the drama and find someone whose biggest mistake is being a little too boring.

STATEMENT:
“I hate losing my husband and my boyfriend at the same time, but I haven’t given up on marriage and I need to know what’s gone wrong. I’ll try not to let loneliness push me into new or re-cycled relationships until I gain more confidence in my ability to screen prospects for the qualities that count.”

I’ve got great daughters, but they’re both good at spending money, and they’re always coming up short. I’ll give them a few bucks if they’re behind on their cell-phone bills, but then I’m pissed off when I inevitably discover that they had that money and spent it on something stupid. They’ve found a few part-time jobs, but I think they could try harder to look for work. Now that my own budget has gotten tighter, my patience is wearing thin. How can I get my girls to be more responsible about money?

Instead of holding yourself responsible for your daughters’ money worries when they can’t make ends meet, give yourself administrative responsibility for teaching them ways to manage their own worries. Of course, if they’re not interested, you can’t force them to learn. Then again, there’s a chance they might just pick something up by proxy, like in the famous ’80s anti-drug commercial; once their books are balanced, they could say they learned it from watching you. In any case, they probably won’t absorb your lesson unless you hold back on your generosity until they turn in their fiscal homework.

If you assume they’re innately budget-impaired rather than lazy or irresponsible—i.e., a chip off the ole block—then there’s no reason to fight about their lack of motivation or spend your time getting angry about their alleged irresponsibility. Instead, let impending poverty motivate them to learn new management skills, the way it’s motivating you.

Begin by giving each of them a small diary for recording all income and expenses every day for a month. Whenever they’ve finished, they can count on you to review their numbers with them and figure out their essential and discretionary monthly expenses and expected monthly income. Once they and you know their projected deficit, they can plan a budget. Needless to say, give nothing until they’ve calculated their deficit, prepared a budget, and earmarked your contribution (if any) for necessities.

Of course, their books will probably get misplaced or forgotten, so decide for yourself, before that happens, whether your obligation to help them budget is more important (and better for all concerned) than it is to help them pay the cell-phone bill before it gets turned off. If you’ve convinced yourself that you’ve chosen the right way, then you need convince them of nothing other than that you’re convinced and that, when it comes to subsidies, your rules apply.

Don’t be surprised if they present you with a few crises that will require bail-out money (hopefully not literally), and in those instances, do what’s necessary for their safety but no more. With luck, they’ll recognize, as you do, that self-management is what they really need and will accept your help in setting up a budget. That’s the point at which your generosity will do the most good for all parties involved, with valuable lessons (and bank accounts) all-around.

STATEMENT:
“I hate to think what will happen to my daughters if they can’t pay their essential bills, but I know they’re resourceful and I believe they will benefit most from learning how to manage money rather than simply getting it.”