The Lies That Bind
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 17, 2013
Most people have that one whiny friend or family member who constantly traps them in the same, stupid, draining conversation, but there are different kinds of bait that keep us coming back. Some complainants keep you trapped with compliments, others take an opposing tact with criticism, but either way, the result is a guilty, captive audience. In any case, don’t let yourself get trapped by feeling responsible for providing support and advice, especially when you know it isn’t doing any good. Drop their troubles from your list of acceptable topics and prepare to spend your time doing other things until they’re ready to accept your terms for having a good conversation, like talking to anyone else.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m a reasonably attractive guy with a good job and maybe I work too hard, but I always find time for my friends and family. I haven’t had luck finding a good woman, so I’ve been particularly available to my brother, who always needs extra help. I love him dearly, but he’s a fuck-up who drinks too much and always finds a way to get himself into trouble. He’s got a couple great sons, but he married a crazy monster, and now that they’re divorcing he’s given her great ammunition to keep the kids from seeing him, or me, by not showing up for visitation or keeping up with child support. My brother tells me I’m the only person he can trust and talk to since our parents died and he doesn’t know what he’d do without me, but I dread our conversations because he does nothing but complain about how awful things are, never takes responsibilities for changing them, and never listens to advice. Meanwhile, I feel my life is empty, I’ll never see my nephews again, and I’ll never have a family of my own. I can’t seem to get out of a horrible rut.
While you might feel like your life is empty, it’s actually quite full; like it or not, you have a special someone in your life, he just happens to be your brother. And he’s not leaving a hell of a lot of room in your life for anyone else.
Of course, it seems important to help your orphaned brother and accept a responsibility that expands the more trouble he gets himself into. What you haven’t done, however, is stop to ask yourself what supporting him is doing to the rest of your social life and whether it’s really doing him any good at all.
Don’t substitute your brother’s judgment of your helpfulness for your own; just because he says you’ve given him the courage to go on doesn’t mean that he wouldn’t go on without you, and maybe, if you weren’t there to comfort him, he’d be forced to take more responsibility for his life. Even if he doesn’t, the blood-sucking nature of his relationship with you isn’t helping him change.
If that’s how you see things, decide for yourself how much contact is necessary and what keeps it from being helpful, keeping in mind that listening to him whine drags you down and distracts you from your own change-making efforts. While there’s nothing wrong with keeping in touch and letting him know you love him and are rooting for him, there’s also nothing right about listening to slurred sorrows until you’re ready to scream or hit the bottle yourself.
Whenever you have the urge to tell him what he has to do, remember that you’ve done it before and that you don’t want to prolong the conversation. Don’t blame him for not being able to change; many people can’t (see advice on Assholes™) and not all of them are bad people. Remember, if he has any capacity to change, he’s more likely to stop whining and start to get a grip if you stop listening to his complaints while remaining open to any positive conversation.
Limiting your availability to your brother may well create a void in your life that feels like your social life is empty and doomed, but don’t let loneliness terrorize you. You will have much better luck finding good friends and possible partners once you overcome your addiction to helping others, specifically your brother, and make room for someone you can share your life with, not just give all your time to.
STATEMENT:
“I feel like my social life is full of frustration, loss, loneliness, and impossible relationships, but I know I have lots to offer. I will limit my giving to relationships where it’s actually helpful and put more energy and selectivity into giving myself a new circle of friends.”
My daughter is a good kid, but she’s never very happy about her life, her job, her boyfriend, whatever. When she was living at home, she was worse and seemed sulky all the time. Now that she has her own place (she’s twenty-eight), she’s more independent but still has lots to complain about whenever we talk on the phone. If I give her suggestions about positive things to do, she gets silent and then accuses me of being critical and unsupportive and not understanding her because I’m a guy. The last time I did it, she stopped the conversation and then didn’t call me the next day for my birthday. I really don’t like our conversations but I can’t seem to help her and I’m sorry we don’t have a better relationship. I think the least I can do is tell her she should be more respectful and that what she did was not nice. I wish I knew how to help her.
When grown kids are sulky, there’s good reason to worry about their loss of energy and perspective and, at the same time, to expect an earful if you tell them anything but what they want to hear. That’s when things can get nasty and personal, with her accusing you of being the unsympathetic parent who’s ruined her life and personality and you saying she’s the ungrateful, badly behaved kid. Such conversations are wonderful generators of business for yours truly.
So don’t respond to life complaints unless you must, and decide to do so by looking at facts, not emotions. If your daughter’s sulkiness is aggravating but doesn’t stop her from working and making good friends, then leave it alone; even though it gets in the way of your having a good relationship, it’s not holding her back in other areas, and that’s what counts. On the other hand, if her victimhood weighs her down in other areas, it’s worth discussing, but only after you’re sure of yourself, have composed a positive, unemotional statement, and are prepared for incoming crap.
Look for a positive way to describe the negative impact of sulkiness, e.g., that by focusing on hurt and pain, your daughter is forgetting her many strengths and choices and scaring herself into believing she’s more helpless than she really is. That’s why you don’t like to encourage such conversations; they may bring her temporary relief, but you think they’re harmful in the long run. She needs to remember her strengths, not take her failures personally, and credit herself with the efforts she’s made even when the results suck. Maybe she should find a good coach if she doesn’t like to talk about these things with her father.
If she remains sulky and doesn’t return your calls, don’t tell her you’re hurt, regardless of how hurt you feel. Stay focused on what’s good for her, which is that you shouldn’t reward her wish to hurt you by telling her how successful she is at it. Let her know you love her while not asking her to be nice.
Instead, apply the same rules to conversations with her as in the case above– if you don’t think her tone is positive and she won’t let you change the subject, sign off after letting her know you care. Let your actions reinforce the positive behavior you think is good for her (not the whining and blaming) and bad for my business.
STATEMENT:
“When I’m not worried about my daughter, I’m upset about the way she’s treating me. I know, however, that the problem is hers, not mine, and that I can’t help her by listening to repeated complaints or getting into conversations about who’s hurt whom. I will take no responsibility for easing her pain (because I can’t), cut her short when she dwells on it, and applaud her achievements and efforts to make her life better.”
