Critic Cynic

Posted by fxckfeelings on May 16, 2013

Criticism, like network sitcoms, gas station food, and internet trolls, requires careful consideration before you decide whether it’s worth taking to heart/anymore of your time. Unfortunately, many people in relationships immediately take and react to their partner’s criticism, even when it’s wrong, either because they’re so used to being in the wrong and feeling guilty, or because they have such a strong need for unconditional (or just fairly conditional) approval that they can’t stand not getting it. In any case, before you react to your spouse’s disapproval, consult your own standards of behavior and respect yourself if you know you’re living up to them, outsourcing the need for praise to friends or hairdressers if approval is really that important. As long as you respect your own good judgment, you’ll have no problem managing judgments you don’t agree with, and won’t have to waste your time feeling annoyed, sick or guilty over bad TV, bad sushi, or bad criticism again.
–Dr. Lastname

I can’t stand my husband’s criticism but the fact is, I’ve deserved it, because I’ve been a lush for twenty years and not much use after 9 PM. I’ve always worked hard and the kids think I was a pretty good parent before 9. Still, I feel I’ve been a failure as a wife, even though I think one reason I drank so much is because my husband’s overbearing criticism really got on my nerves, and booze was the easiest way to cope. Anyway, now that the kids are grown and I’ve had more than a couple medical problems, I got myself sober, but the marriage is really no better. My husband tells me in couples therapy that our family would be a lot more secure financially if I hadn’t been a drinker (which is really bullshit) and that I still haven’t really acknowledged what a big burden I put on him (I’ve said I’m sorry, but it’s never enough). Meanwhile, he blames me for ruining his life and burning the steak. I’m so angry I’m not sure I want to stay with him, but it’s hard to have any conversation that doesn’t turn on his right to be angry at me, which I think, given my history, he has. My goal is to figure out whether I want to stay with him for the next part of my life.

One of the unfortunate things that happen when you’re ashamed of bad behavior in a close relationship is that you lose the ability to stand up for yourself, even when your behavior is actually OK. You might always be an alcoholic, but you’re not always going to be at fault for everything in your husband’s life that goes wrong.

Escaping into drinking, affairs, or any major kind of avoidance may give you temporary relief from an unhappy relationship, but it also secures your right to feel even more totally responsible for that unhappiness than you did in the first place. You’re essentially breaking out of one prison and into another, even shittier one.

The bad news about getting sober is that your husband’s unhappiness with you and the bad feelings you have about it haven’t gone away, and probably hurt now more than ever. The good news, however, is that you’re now free to wonder whether your husband’s unhappiness is really your problem and, if not, what you can do about it.

Take, for example, his accusations about the financial burden your drinking placed on the family’s security; you believe they’re false, so ask yourself how you can protect yourself from them without starting a fight or making one worse. Assuming you did your share for the family finances, prepare a positive response that limits further discussion. Let him know that, after thinking carefully about what your share should be, you believe you made a good contribution in spite of your drinking and have nothing to apologize for.

If he continues to feel aggrieved, it’s up to him to either get over it or at least stop speaking about it. If he can’t, then make it clear that it’s his grievances, not your former mistakes, that seem to be a major cause of trouble in the marriage, implying that you’ve stopped drinking, but he hasn’t stopped bitching, and isn’t it about time.

Don’t assume it’s your job to heal your partner’s alcoholic-wife-wound, which may turn out to be one of those festering lesions that linger on long after anyone can remember how they started. You should certainly say you’re sorry and look for reasonable ways to make amends, but sobriety also means moving forward and focusing on doing better today, which is what you’re doing.

So if you feel your husband is too critical, don’t accept it as just punishment. At some point, as with his criticism about your low earnings, tell him you think he’s coming on too strong and that, whatever your sins and his suffering, his anger is not helpful.

If he can’t accept you, the relationship won’t work, and the same goes for your feelings about him. Of course, you need to accept yourself first, which means taking a stand when you’re not at fault instead of eternally taking the blame.

STATEMENT:
“I always felt to blame for my husband’s unhappiness about my drinking, and my guilt just made me angrier, which made me guiltier, but I believe sobriety can improve our relationship. I will reject responsibility for things I can’t undo or didn’t do wrong, so that I and my husband can decide whether we’re better off together.

I’ve had four jobs in the last six years, and I know what other people might think about that, but really, I work hard and get along OK with others, I just work in a chaotic industry. My husband says that if I were better at hanging out and making small talk with the boss, I might not have been let go so quickly, and it’s true, I’m not good at flirting and small-talk. I know, though, that I never let my frustration at work cause me to slack off or get into struggles with the boss, I just wasn’t shmoozy enough to ever be his or her favorite person. After the last layoff, my husband wanted to me to think hard about what I might be doing wrong and I found myself getting madder and madder…I try to tell him that now’s the time I most need support, but it just turns into a fight, and he seems perpetually worried and critical, so I don’t speak up for myself as much. I really don’t like being around him and feel he’s just stabbing me in the back when I most need and deserve his support. He’s a good father and, really, we get along well about most other issues, but this one is really, really bothering me and I don’t know what to do with it.

It’s natural to yearn for unconditional support from your husband, but as we’ve often said, unconditional anything doesn’t come from partners, just pets. Even the most devoted spouse can be a worrier whose fear for family security outweighs his confidence in your ability to get a job in today’s scary economy. He may be the kind of guy who always second-guesses himself (see above), and can’t very well make an exception for his other half, i.e., you. As with a Golden Retriever’s undying love, it’s not personal.

If you really need your husband’s approval, it will be harder for you to tell him to shove his doubts up his ass; once you get too angry, your anger becomes the issue, rather than his behavior. So try, if you can, to accept the fact that he reliably bombards you with doubts at just the wrong time.

Take confidence in the fact that you’ve looked carefully at your performance and believe you don’t have any problems that need correcting, and that your husband is in no position to make such judgments. If you believe in your own ability to assess your work performance, then you have little reason to be hurt by your husband’s lack of confidence. Now that you’ve forgiven him his fears, put a lid on them.

After all, you’ve listened to his concerns, reviewed your performance carefully, and come to the conclusion you’ve done well. You’ve learned a number of good lessons from the layoffs, including that you have lots to offer, that layoffs are a part of this business, and that they can’t stop you unless you let them. You’re now committed to looking for the next job.

You’re confident and, if your husband isn’t, he should keep it to herself. You’re open to constructive criticism but have no interest in hearing fearful feelings. Either way, he’s always going to worry, and you’re always going to get work, so get a dog, because that’s the best way to get the support you deserve.

STATEMENT:
“I wish I could turn to my husband for support when a job turns sour but he’s too much a negative worrier to be of much good in that situation. I have the strength and experience, however, to fight off my own self-doubts and give myself confidence in the next stage of my career. My husband is lucky I’m not sensitive to his anxiety.”