Force Feel

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 7, 2013

From “I can’t make you me,” to “You can’t hurry love,” to “You can’t force the funk,” pop music has done a good job of informing the public that you can’t push someone to fall for you if the don’t want to. Sadly, there are fewer hits about how you can’t really make anyone do anything, even if it’s to stop the mistrust and anger of someone you love. If you’re in that situation, you first need to figure out whether their feelings are warranted, according to your own standards; if they are, you have to worry less about changing their mind than changing your behavior to earn back your own (and their) respect, and if they aren’t, you need to figure out whether you’re just being oversensitive about a love that’s worth keeping, or whether you just can’t make it work. At least pop music has heartbreak covered.
–Dr. Lastname

I have made some mistakes in my past and unfortunately my girlfriend discovered them—I never told her about them because I wanted to protect our relationship, and I’m trying to be good. I don’t talk to other girls anymore and I avoid every other temptation because I don’t want to have problems with her. Now when we have arguments she always brings up my past. I tell her not to think about the past anymore because it’s over, and besides, we didn’t know each other back then, but she’s stressed that I’ll repeat my old behavior in the future and do the same thing to her. How can I prove to her that she’s wrong? I’m very in love with this girl and I’m trying my best to get back her trust.

To paraphrase the wise words of RuPaul, if you can’t trust yourself, there’s no way in hell you’re going to earn the trust of somebody else. Of course, as hard as it is to trust, love, or even just like somebody else, it’s even harder to start with yourself.

If you’re just controlling bad behavior for the sake of someone you love, you won’t meet that definition because you’re doing it “to be good”, which you won’t always be, or for the sake of love, which you won’t always feel. Plus, if you screw up, you might be inclined to but the blame on the person for whom you were trying to straighten up in the first place, which becomes a pass to behave even more badly in the future.

So if you want your girlfriend to trust you, you have to know you can control your own behavior and live up to your principles, even when you feel injured, angry, unloved, needy, or let down. It’s not easy to do, but it’s the only way.

Of course, since you left out the specifics of your bad behavior, it may not be all that bad, particularly if your “mistakes” were embarrassing but not dishonest or in violation of any promises. So the first thing to do is ask yourself whether you betrayed your principles or just stirred up your girlfriend’s fears.

If you don’t have a problem with dishonesty, then don’t start blaming yourself just because she doubts you; stand by what you know about yourself, don’t get defensive, and let your current conduct speak for itself. If she continues to doubt you, then she has a trust problem which, while it will be the source of your heartbreak, is not your responsibility.

If you do have a problem with telling the truth and keeping your promises, then begin with the 12 step thing by acknowledging that it will probably be hard for you to change your ways, especially once you’re less in love and more your same old self. Then decide whether it’s worth the long-term effort of honesty, hard work and occasional humiliation to change your behavior—not for her, but for the sake of your self-respect. If you do, and you follow through, that’s the most persuasive evidence you could give her that you can and will do better in the future.

So instead of focusing on winning back her trust, decide for yourself whether you deserve her trust, and act accordingly. Then you’ll know you’re worth her trust, whether she gives it or not, and that you offer a solid partnership to someone you love who recognizes that fact. Even if you end up single, however, you can take pride in being someone that you yourself (and RuPaul) can trust.

STATEMENT:
“It’s hard to feel trustworthy when I’ve obviously lost my girlfriend’s trust, but I know my standards and can figure out for myself whether I’ve lived up to them or need moral improvement. Either way, if and when I know I’m trustworthy, I’ll expect her to feel that trust or I’ll find someone who does.”

I don’t know why my wife never goes out of her way to make me feel a little bit better, especially when I bend over backwards to make her happy, knowing it will be in vain. She’s a terrific mother and works hard to keep our family together, but she never lets up with the worrying and nagging, no matter how hard I try to please her. We have sex from time to time, but it often feels like I’m imposing and that, when she’s not busy worrying, she’d just like to get some sleep. She never makes me feel important and valued, and no matter how hard I try, is always annoyed with something I’m doing. My goal is to get her to see that a little effort on her part could make me feel much, much better.

Depending on how much you expect your wife to puff you up, you have a painful complaint; after the high point of having once felt pursued and valued as a fiancé, even sexually desired, you have plunged down to feeling noticed only when you fuck up. If you’re into needing respect, it’s hard not to see your marital relationship as a failure that would require a change in your wife’s behavior before you could recover from humiliation and regain the self-esteem you thought a successful romance and real love would lock in.

The trouble with feeling humiliated is not the pain, but the belief that she doesn’t care or that you can’t win her respect, which makes you distance yourself, which makes her worse. Feelings like this are probably marriage’s biggest vicious circle and the one you should try hardest to resist, and while trying to make your wife react a certain way is as futile as trying to make someone trust you, it’s much easier to change your perception of her actions and the humiliated feelings they inspire.

After all, if what you want is a good partner who loves you and will devote herself unselfishly to your family’s needs, you may have what you want. The fact that she’s too wound up to give you any positive attention and shovels a lot of anger and unmet need your way may just reflect her reaction to taking on the burdens of a family and trying to protect your children from life problems that can’t be solved. And if that’s the case, you and your family would be much worse off with a divorce.

So, before assuming that you’re unloved or disrespected just because you sometimes feel covered in shit, put aside your feelings and evaluate the facts of your marriage. If, humiliation aside, you can count on your wife to basically accept you, stick with you, and do her share, you may have much more than you feel you do.

Don’t wait, then, for your wife to stop taking you for granted and re-discover how hot you are and don’t act like a jerk and make things worse. Instead, try to be a good partner according to what you believe are reasonable standards. Then, if she puts you down, you’re free to disagree without fighting back, getting her to understand, or reaching agreement. You’re also free to ask her to join you in spending time together while someone else minds the kids, confident that some of your good old chemistry still lives on beneath the worries and exhaustion.

Don’t make your wife responsible for your hurt feelings. Shield yourself by doing what’s right and judging her love by what she does, not what she says. Then you’ll find the strength to lead your marriage, and your own mind, in a positive direction.

STATEMENT:
“I never thought my bride could make me feel so disregarded and criticized, but I know the value of my own commitment and respect what she does. I’ll try to persuade her that our strengths are equal to the task, share my pride in our family, and hope that my positive vision will eventually shrink her fears and bring us together.”