Unemployment Fate

Posted by fxckfeelings on February 18, 2013

When people who are both highly motivated and deeply depressed get unhappy with their own poor job performance, regardless of how little control they have over it, they often do something that makes it worse—walking out, acting out, and forcing themselves to play out the same scenario over and over again with jobs that either ask too little or too much. Obviously, you deserve better from yourself when you’re trying hard and can’t get good results, particularly when you must keep on performing, regardless of how badly you do or how tired you feel. There’s nothing wrong with pushing yourself when you’re sick, as long as you apply the right expectations.
–Dr. Lastname

I’ve suffered from insomnia for years, and it’s only getting worse. I’m now on anti-depressants to try and combat the extreme lows of being constantly exhausted. I feel like my life is being dictated by the insomnia. I have had to quit a job, my social life suffers, I don’t enjoy anything I used to, everyday is a challenge to get through. If I had the choice I would choose not to go on it is just so debilitating. Currently, I manage to hold down two part-time positions that are very much “beneath” my education and experience, and only because one of them is casual and I can get away with not going in once a week or so when I feel like I can’t move. I know I’m a good worker but when the exhaustion gets the better of me. I feel like I perform poorly. Recently I’ve been offered a really good job, based on my past experience and friendly, pleasant, easy-going manner. My rested self would take the job in a second and count myself lucky to get in to such a great company. My exhausted self thinks I can’t do it and what happens when they find out I’m tired all the time and not as motivated as my resume would indicate. I probably could do the job but I just can’t make any decisions when I’m like this. Or should I just stay put and count myself lucky to be able to hold down these two jobs? I used to be ambitious and motivated with goals in life; now I’m just letting those go out the window while trying to get through each day. My goal is to figure out how to live with this in the best way possible, and how to make realistic decisions that are right for me based on my health without letting the insomnia make decisions for me.

While depression primarily messes with your head, the disease has clever ways of messing with your body, as well; it becomes a chicken-or-egg situation, with one wondering whether it was the misery that begat the exhaustion/inability to eat/constant hunger/etc., or vice versa.

Sleep disturbance is one of the worst symptoms of depression, which may include sleeping too much, too little, and at the wrong times, along with helpless fatigue and an irregular sleep-wake cycle that puts you out of step with the rest of the world.

All of which is, duh, yet more depressing, and leads to negative thoughts about how much you’ve lost of your ability to work, function, and remain connected with the human race, rather than just the infomercial hosts and international social networkers who are the only ones awake and active when you are. In addition, the more you’ve accomplished and the more you expect of yourself, the harder it is to bear the fact that you can’t meet your old performance standards.

If fatigue is a more prominent symptom than depressed feelings, the syndrome is often called “chronic fatigue,” which, as you may know, has no cure and is often unfairly dismissed as an illegitimate illness. The biggest obstacle to respecting the fact that you have an illness, however, is your own attitude; you’re the one who is apt to regard fatigue as the opposite of ambition and motivation.

While it’s true that fatigue can take away your feelings of ambition and motivation, no illness can change your values, which are, obviously, to continue to do your best to care for yourself, be independent and, if possible, hold a job by doing good enough work, even if you’re very tired.

So don’t think about your tired self versus your rested self. Instead, remember that you’d like to do this job you’ve been offered because of the usual reasons—a great company, good work, at a better salary—so if you think you can offer a reasonable day’s work, then there’s every reason to try.

Yes, your tired self will tell you that you don’t have the energy for this and it will ruin what’s left of your health. On the other hand, your managerial-self has good reason to assure you, with confidence, that if the job seems to endanger your health or you can’t do it or if it prevents you from doing other things in your life, then you will stop it. What you know, however, is that you can accomplish much, even when you’re fatigued and depressed, and that, within limits, work won’t make your symptoms worse. In addition, getting work done helps to distract you from your symptoms and gives you money, independence, and a sense of achievement.

Given your fatigue and depression, your determination to work the two jobs you’re now doing reflects great courage. Trying this more attractive job, if there’s a reason to think you can do it, is more evidence of courage, and will be a great achievement regardless of whether or not it works out.

Don’t let the depression come before a job opportunity, because if you don’t at least give yourself a chance, the chicken will turn out to be you.

STATEMENT:
“Fatigue makes me feel like an unmotivated loser who is permanently crippled. I know, however, that I haven’t stopped pushing myself to work and live life and that’s what I respect in myself. I will try any job if I think I have good services to offer and I won’t stop unless my symptoms actually force me to.”

Even when I’m not depressed, I’m the world’s biggest fuck-up. I’ve had ten years in the insurance industry and an impressive business school degree, so I have no trouble getting hired into good management positions, but, since experiencing a big depression two years ago, nothing seems to go right. After three weeks in a new job my brain just seems to shut down, I space out, and I can’t think straight. After two days like that, I can’t make myself go back to work, I stop answering my phone, and I want to die. Several weeks later, when I’m starting to feel better, I’ve got even less money and am more desperate for work, and the same thing happens again. My goal is to be able to make a living before I starve.

Even when depression no longer causes you to feel depressed or very, very tired (see above), it can interfere with your ability to focus, concentrate, and get things done. Executive function is the fancy term, and these symptoms are the ones that can most interfere with your ability to work, make a living, and function at that executive level. Fatigue makes you feel like you can’t go on when, often, you actually can; the inability to concentrate and prioritize can make you read the same paragraph over and over and get nowhere when you thought you would have no trouble doing the job.

It’s also very hard, as noted above, to downsize your career and economic expectations without feeling like a personal failure. Rationally we know that life is unfair and that good, solid hard work over long periods of time often results in nothing but catastrophic layoffs and unemployment, simply because you get sick, or the economy turns sour, or your boss likes you but likes his nephew more.

The good news, as always, is that your failure is not personal, so it’s not really a failure, just the bad luck of being fucked by a bad disease. So then don’t, under any circumstances, give yourself a hard time for failing to function at the high level at which you used to cruise along. Your brain simply can’t do what you’re asking it to, so don’t beat up on it.

Instead, examine what your experience shows you that your brain can and can’t do at this stage of your recovery. Focus on the tasks that you could accomplish and imagine a job that requires you to do what you can do, not what you used to do and now can’t. Consult a rehab job counselor if you need a more formal evaluation and some ideas about what job to look for. If you’ve been hospitalized, unemployed, and American, many states offer rehabilitative services for free (if you’re Canadian or European, don’t gloat).

Medication, such as stimulants, may also help. They’re low-risk and require no more than several days before you’ll know what they can do and whether they’re tolerable. They can usually help your attention but don’t necessarily help your ability to stay organized.

You’re courageous for your persistent efforts to get a job and put up with the trauma of feeling overwhelmed and having to walk off, but after doing it for the second or third time, you’re also being mean to yourself. Accept the verdict of your own self-evaluation without giving up the legitimate hope that your executive function will return in a few months. Keep trying and shooting, but correct your aim.

So stop calling yourself a fuck-up, because the only thing you’re fucking up at is driving yourself too hard and not respecting the fact that you’re still disabled by a tough illness. Take your great courage, redirect your efforts, and, if you keep trying to do the most with your junior-executive function, you’ll do much better.

STATEMENT:
“The harder I try, the harder I seem to fall, but I know I’m doing my best and that my disabilities are beyond my control. I will be smart and patient about what I try to do, rather than trying to regain my former glory and lifestyle. I will give myself credit for the added discipline and patience this new effort requires.”