The Mismatch Game

Posted by fxckfeelings on November 19, 2012

Normally, whoever breaks a marriage vow has first dibs on feeling guilty, but divorce, like marriage itself, is often a team effort. Often, what actually drives you away from a committed relationship isn’t restlessness or lust, but a deep and unavoidable flaw in the relationship itself. Once you confirm that such a flaw exists, don’t blame yourself for having mixed feelings; although good reasons probably remain for staying as well as going, give yourself a valid choice instead of accepting the guilt and taking one for the team.
–Dr. Lastname

Please Note: The next post will be next Monday, 11/26, since we’re taking time off for American Thanksgiving. We look forward to addressing your crises then.

I’ve made a mess of my marriage by cheating on my husband, and I know it. I wish I could stop, but sometimes I also wish I hadn’t let him talk me into marrying him—I tried to call it off, but he got suicidal, so I felt I had no choice. Still, it wasn’t an awful decision…he’s a good guy, we have great kids and a nice home. But I still find myself wanting to cheat, even though it causes him pain, I can’t seem to stop having occasional flings. These guys don’t really mean anything to me, but I’ve got to stop hurting my family. My goal is to stop.

You might not have a great marriage, but, like a sports team or boy band, a marriage is only as strong as its weakest member. That’s why trades exist, Justin Timberlake went solo, and the mirror is the first place to look if you’re searching for the source of your marital issues.

At this point, the burden of trying to be a good wife drives you into a bad habit that you’re ashamed of, so the worse you feel, the worse your bad habit gets. From a therapist’s point of view, it’s a gift that keeps on giving, but from your point of view, it’s a trap.

If you really want to break the cycle, your first job is clearing your head long enough to figure out whether you really want this marriage or not, challenging the idea that you’re at fault for its failure. List the contributions you’ve made to family life (ignoring the damage of your infidelity). Hopefully, you’ve tried to be a good partner and mother and have had some success.

Then remember you entered into your marriage without being certain you wanted in; from what you say, you weren’t strong enough to stand up for yourself before you got married and instead took too much responsibility for your then-fiancé’s heartbreak. You swallowed the idea that you were his lifeline instead of standing up to the guilt. Given the obligation you’ve taken on, don’t blame yourself for not liking your husband as much as you’d like to.

It’s to your credit that you tried to warn your husband that you weren’t 100 percent behind this marriage at the very beginning, and, while it’s too bad he took it hard, persuading you to get married anyway makes him half-responsible for his ensuing pain. As for your pain, however, you bear final responsibility as you accepted the guilt he gave you, thus depriving yourself of the right to choose. While there’s more at stake now, the choice is still yours to make, and long overdue.

Don’t worry too much about feelings (you’ve done too much of that already), and assume that you’ll continue to be good to the kids and fair to your (ex-)husband. Instead, think about whether the benefit of splitting up, in terms of peace and security for you and the kids, is worth the cost.

Hopefully, giving yourself the right to do what you think is best, rather than what will cause your husband less pain, will help you get your integrity back. If you commit yourself to what you think is best, rather than letting yourself react to guilt, loneliness or lust, you will probably find that cheating is no longer an issue. It’s not that your husband is a bad guy you need to get rid of, but he may not be right for you. Whatever you decide, deciding will help you reach a compromise you can be proud of, rather than a trap you’d like to escape.

For better or worse, your marriage has taught you there are rougher things than the immediate pain your decisions may cause others. If you can now choose whatever you think is best, taking into account your personal priorities and what you think your family needs, you and not guilty will decide whether to keep the band together or explore new projects on your own..

STATEMENT:
“I can’t help feeling I’ve ruined my marriage by being basically dishonest and unfaithful, but I know I meant well when we started out and there’s no point in blaming myself for mistakes that can’t be undone. Now I will figure out what I want to do and try to regain my integrity.”

I couldn’t stand being married to my wife because she never kept her promises about whatever she was supposed to do, leaving me nagging and doing everything. I haven’t regretted divorcing her, but, since the divorce, she’s become even more unreliable, which she now blames on my breaking her heart. The good part of being divorced is that it’s now the judge’s turn to get after her for all the papers she was supposed to sign and never got around to. Meanwhile, one of our kids blames me for betraying his mother and the other kid doesn’t like to see her. I feel the divorce has broken my family apart, I feel shitty about it, and my goal is to mend it, even if we’re not together.

Your story is a cautionary tale for people who forget to look at marriage as a working partnership and discover too late that, regardless of mutual attraction, their partner can’t hold up his or her end of the job. Usually, if you look back, the evidence was there before you married; you went into your marriage with good intentions, but you lacked a solid background check.

Unlike the woman above, guilt didn’t stop you from divorcing, and divorce has shown you that your wife’s problem is real and severe. Although her paralysis feels spiteful and reactive to your relationship, it hurts her much more than you, so you have to assume that, also like the above cheater, she can’t help herself. The fact that she blames you, however, rather than getting help from a coach or therapist, makes it unlikely that you or anyone else could help her by being more supportive. So, while there’s no reason to blame her, the problem is hers, not yours, and you bear no responsibility because you have no influence.

Of course, other people won’t see your wife’s breakdown that way. Intuitively, everyone knows that every problem represents someone’s failure, so they’ll either blame you for breaking her heart (and, worse, her executive function) or blame her for being passively dependent. If they can’t blame you or her, the kids will tend to blame themselves.

So let the kids know you expect it will be hard for them too, partly because they may feel responsible for their mother and become worried and angry if they see her in trouble and can’t help her (and you should know, you’ve been there). Urge them to do what they can if it will do some good but not to feel responsible otherwise.

You may not be able to stop your angry child from blaming you for your ex’s breakdown, but you can certainly describe a way of looking at the problem that is compassionate and respectful while limiting guilt. Hopefully, your vision will win out, and, with enough time and distance, the kids will see that nobody can help their mother with her disability—not even you, and definitely not her.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like my wife has been a mess since I left and that it’s cost me the love and respect of one of my kids, but I know the mess was always there and that divorce couldn’t help but make it worse. I will offer a view of this situation that does not dwell on blame or defense, but rather on the good things we’ve all done with a problem that was much worse and more intractable than anyone recognized.”