History’s Major

Posted by fxckfeelings on July 26, 2012

Before the manager of a baseball team (real or fantasy) signs a player, s/he pores over reams of statistics that analyze every aspect of that player’s performance, including their projected trajectory going forward. One should follow a similar procedure when looking to sign or dissolve a contract with a romantic partner, because examining their previous performance on the field of relationships is the best way to figure out whether they’re worth the commitment or a bad fit in your clubhouse. After all, if managers are willing to do all that work for a seven-year-deal, it makes sense to work just as hard for a contract that should last a lifetime.
–Dr. Lastname

My boyfriend seems to have a very unhealthy attachment to the past. He can’t let go of ex-girlfriends. He seems to need them to email or text every week or so (several, and he uses unhealthy attachment language to keep them hopeful about a potential future with him). His last note, left on the floor in the garage, said, “the future holds no possibilities. The past, Is infinite.” He swears to me that he is 100% committed to a lifetime with me, searching for rings (we are in our 40s). What makes people so aggressively attached to their past?

You may yearn for your boyfriend to tell you something, anything, about his behavior towards his exes that will actually ease your doubts about the depth of his commitment. Unfortunately, if you plead for reassurance, you’ll just be begging him to bullshit you.

Even if he does try to convince you, you’ll either be upset that he refused to try or tried but was unconvincing. Or, worse yet, you’ll be convinced he’s okay because he told you what you wanted to hear.

In any case, you’ll be asking him to give you a good feeling, instead of trusting yourself to figure out whether or not to trust him.

What you need isn’t reassuring words from him, but evidence of reassuring actions that you’ve examined for yourself. Prepare to dig into his history while developing criteria of your own for deciding whether his commitment is likely to stick. Look carefully at his commitment to past partnerships and score him on how long they lasted, adding extra points for difficulty. A perfect score is two years with someone who threw hockey skates at him when she wasn’t hospitalized, on meth, or sleeping with all of his friends.

Find out whether his involvement with his exes has ever interfered with a current relationship by taking too much time or emotional energy, and ask yourself whether that’s happening now, as opposed to just stirring up your fears. You’re the lead detective on CSI: Relationship, so on the quest for truth, don’t let fear influence your search.

Remember the purpose of your detective work isn’t to determine how much he loves you, but whether he’s a commitment-type guy. If he’s shopping for a ring for the first time in his 40s, you’d better be able to explain to yourself why you think he’s ready now.

If, after all your research, you think his commitment is basically good to go, then accept him—both as a partner, and for who he is—as a precondition to negotiating about his ex-oriented behavior. Define whatever behavior you really can’t stand, but choose your battles carefully. Then tell him what behavior you want him to stop without suggesting that it’s bad or unloving. After all, as long as you don’t doubt his motives, this is not a fight about his caring or character; it’s a negotiation over behavioral changes that will allow you to live comfortably together.

Ultimately, and ironically, the only way to see if his infatuation with exes is a problem is to start looking into his exes yourself. That’s where you’ll find the evidence that, unlike your emotions or his excuses, will give you the answers you need.

STATEMENT:
“I’ve got some serious doubts about my probable fiancé’s commitment to me that I need to work out for myself while avoiding suspicious or angry conversations. With time and reasonable detective work, I’ll know what his capacity for commitment is. Then, as long as I’m prepared to accept what I’ve observed, I won’t let myself get entangled with someone who doesn’t really want a partnership.”

I thought my marriage was pretty good until 10 years in, when my husband had a bad depression after the death of his father, started drinking, and lost his job. Since then, for the past two years, he’s done little but vegetate on the couch and drink when he thinks I’m not looking. He’s grumpy with the kids when he interacts with them at all, so I can’t count on him for childcare, even though I’m the only breadwinner now. I wish he would get help but I’ve talked myself to death, as have other people who love him, and it’s clearly not going to happen. Then again, the idea of leaving him makes me feel like I’ve failed at my marriage and broken my vows, so maybe I should keep on trying to make the best of it. So my goal is to figure out whether we should stay married.

You are well on your way to meeting your goal because you’ve avoided two major pitfalls, starting with your ability to give up on the false hope of rescuing your husband. As much as you wish you could help him, you’re confident that, if he hasn’t responded to the good tries you and others have made, it’s not going to happen. It takes confidence to face down false hope.

The second thing you’re doing right is not letting anger or disappointment drive your decision. It wouldn’t be right to throw the bum out because you’re bitter, only to discover that your life was better with him and/or that there was a positive meaning to your life together.

So you should be ready to add up the pros and cons of your marriage, taking into account your moral priorities and principles. Ask yourself how much parenting he provides versus how much he needs, and estimate the impact his presence or absence would have on your finances, your childcare, and the way your kids feel. Don’t forget to include the impact of your marriage or separation on your relationship with his family.

Remember, your major measure of the value of your marriage isn’t based on your happiness or comfort (though those are factors), but on the needs of your family, because that’s the value that mattered most when the two of you decided to have kids. Sometimes it’s worth trying to put up with an alcoholic’s behavior, and bear your feelings of anger and loss, if you think his presence adds to the kids’ security or stability. Of course, you also have to factor in the limits of your own strength and what you need in order to keep going and function as a mother.

Remember, your conflict is not between the sanctity of marriage vows versus your selfish needs, it’s between the negative impact of your husband’s behavioral meltdown on your original joint marriage goals and values versus the positive impact of his continued presence.

Stay realistic about your husband’s condition (which doesn’t mean you wouldn’t welcome his recovery), add up its influence on the safety and security of the family you both dreamed of having, and ignore the normal pain that come with losing something that was once happy and meaningful. Then you’ll be well prepared to make a good decision.

STATEMENT:
“I feel my family life has come apart since my husband disappeared into depression and alcohol, but I continue to believe in the values and plans that originally drove us to start a family and I’ll remain true to that vision, even if it means I must now create a new boundary and distance between the two of us.”