Heartburn

Posted by fxckfeelings on July 5, 2012

In the aftermath of being dumped, you have two possible courses of action (and vegetating in front of Netflix with Ben & Jerry’s is not active); you can either blindly pursue your hope for reconciliation, or figure out what went wrong and decide whether reconciliation is possible and a good idea. If you follow the second course, you may sometimes work it out, but you must also be willing to work out that you can’t work it out. Otherwise, you’re unlikely to avoid more heartbreak in the future (and gaining 10 pounds in the present)
–Dr. Lastname

I have recently fallen in love just to be broken up with. He said as he was dumping me, “I love you, I want to marry you, you’re my dream girl…but it’s not working out.” It doesn’t make any sense. I’m hurt, shocked, anxious and scared. He represented security to me and now I’m worried I won’t find it again, by myself or with anyone else. I need help working out how to create security and self-esteem without a man.

I assume, when you say this guy who dumped you “represented security to me,” that means emotionally, not financially. After all, you’re worried about pain, not poverty; you felt emotionally secure in being able to trust both your instincts and him. Now you feel something akin to free-fall.

While it’s a horrible shock to be blind-sided by someone you trust (as opposed to being hurt by something you saw coming all along), the good news is that you weren’t making a mistake against your better judgment. Unfortunately, that means you’ll be left with an extra-bad case of ambushed-heart PTSD.

As you say, not only do you have the loss to deal with, but feelings of meaninglessness and total vulnerability as well; after all, if you can’t trust your radar, this could happen again tomorrow. You’re left with a meaningless, grieving, I-can’t-trust-anyone-including-myself feeling, like you’ve just found out your ex is a spy or has another family elsewhere. In this instance, however, you’ve made the much less exciting discovery that you’re ex is a simple a huge jerk.

As in any security breakdown, the first thing you wonder is whether you’re particularly gullible. If you don’t know the answer, ask your friends, and, if you are, don’t be too proud to institute some extra vetting procedures when you find yourself interested in someone. Get a second opinion from friends, family, a therapist, tea leaves, whatever it takes. If in the short-term you find yourself depressed, jumpy, shaky, or sleepless, and your symptoms aren’t clearing up by themselves, definitely see a therapist, because there may be some treatments that will reduce your symptoms, stop your negative thinking, and help you regain your perspective and ability to date again.

If, on the other hand, you’re not particularly gullible, take comfort in the fact that this can happen to anyone. It doesn’t happen to everyone, of course, because life isn’t fair, and certain bad things happen only to unlucky people, which is always a hard idea to accept. You’d like to think that this couldn’t happen unless you let it, which means you could always be in control if you were smart enough, but that simply isn’t the case. Even geniuses get screwed—such is love, such is life.

Once you’re sure your system for checking new partners is secure enough, start dating again. Take pride in the fact that, regardless of feeling scared, sad, and low in confidence, you’re doing what you think needs to be done. Your goal isn’t to be safe, because that’s not possible. It’s to do a reasonable job of self-protection while taking the risks you think are necessary.

You may never trust people the way you did before, but, if you learn what you can from this experience and have courage, you can be better at trusting the right people and creating a sense of security for yourself, on your own.

STATEMENT:
“I’ve lost my confidence and can’t stop grieving and doubting myself, but I understand that’s a normal reaction to being stabbed unexpectedly in the heart. I won’t let myself be stopped. I’ll learn what I can and take pride in my courage.”

I can’t get my girlfriend to see that I’m sincerely sorry for having cheated on her. I was drinking and it was stupid. Now she won’t trust me again, no matter what I say. I truly love her, but she just won’t listen. Maybe that means she doesn’t really love me. My goal is to get through to her and save our relationship.

I don’t doubt the sincerity of your remorse for having cheated on your girlfriend, but put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself whether she can trust you. Not your sincerity, which is fine, but the likelihood that you’re going to break her heart again. If trust depended on feelings alone, then there wouldn’t be a problem. The trouble is, it also depends on your ability to control yourself, which is probably not so hot.

If you were her friend, ask yourself whether you’d want her to go out with you, knowing how much you drink and what happens when you do. That’s what love is, by the way; putting aside your own needs and asking what would be good for her. If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, the similar road to bad relationships has off-ramps for selfish deeds.

If you said you were worried about your drinking, particularly because it made you act like an asshole, I’d say your girlfriend might have reason to hope you’d never cheat again. Her hopes would go up if you seemed constantly aware of the danger and were always working hard to prevent it, but from what you say, that isn’t yet the case; from your words, at least, I hate to say it, but a relapse seems likely.

You expect her to respond to your sincere feelings rather than your actions, but your own feelings are reactive to her feelings, rather than to personal standards of good behavior. You sound like what the addicts would call a dry drunk. If she dumps you and you wind up blaming her for not having enough faith in you, I’m afraid you’d meet our definition of Asshole, rather than a good guy who’s trying not to be one.

Think hard about your own standards and whether you’re meeting them. If alcohol makes you act like an asshole, and being an asshole is below your standards for yourself, it’s time to stop, period. When you can assure yourself that you’re trustworthy based on your actions more than your intentions, then is the time to ask her to trust you again.

STATEMENT:
“I want nothing more than to get my girlfriend back, but I know I hurt her and that I’ll probably do it again unless I can find a way to control my behavior. I’ll make that my first concern, so that I can sincerely promise her, not just that I love her, but that I think I can treat her properly and protect her from my darker side.”