Top Fear

Posted by fxckfeelings on June 14, 2012

Fear is truly frightening when it becomes contagious, usually in panic form. After all, getting scared is a manageable and sometimes life-saving experience, but getting panicked means spreading that fear to ill effect among your friends or even among your enemies. Your job then isn’t to express fearful feelings, hoping for relief but instead creating chaos; it’s to cope with the cause of your fear as constructively as possible and then draw courage from knowing you’ve done your best in a fearful world. That way you will inspire confidence in your supporters, which will hopefully be contagious, as well.
–Dr. Lastname

I got married recently, but the honeymoon period came to an abrupt end when my wife and I started fantasizing what our kids would be like and I realized that several of my wife’s relatives are mentally retarded. She has a wonderful family, but still, I don’t know how I’d deal with having an impaired child, and I can’t stop worrying. Naturally, I told her what I was feeling, hoping she could give me some reassurance, but all she said was, “well, do you want to divorce me and marry someone with healthier relatives?” I love her but I don’t know what to do with my worries. My goal is to calm down and have a healthy family.

No one knows better than a pregnant couple how truly scary life can be. The real story of the birds and the bees also involves the bear of unavoidable risk of mutation. The question then isn’t whether you should be afraid, it’s what you do with that fear.

Asking for re-assurance turns you into a kid asking grown-ups for soothing words you should never really believe. True, if they’re dumb enough to reassure you, they deserve the lawsuit you’re entitled to slap on them if things go wrong. In every other way, however, you’ve weakened yourself and spread fear to those who are relying on you for leadership.

You’re the Daddy, so act like one. Don’t ask for reassurance or a kiss to make the boo-boo better, just face the facts and figure the odds. Find out more about your wife’s family tree and consult a geneticist to see if there’s a number you can put on your risk and any test that can clarify it further.

Usually, of course, the geneticist has nothing to add, and you just have to place your bet. That said, you know your wife is strong and good at dealing with anxiety, and that’s a great trait not just for dealing with a special needs child, but to pass on to a child, especially considering it’s one that you’re lacking.

In other words, most families bring genetic strengths and weaknesses to the Great Genetic Crapshoot. If you want to be a parent, you have to take your chances. You’re smart enough to see the risks; now you need the courage to face them. You can’t make the fear disappear, but you can decide whether your desire to raise kids outweighs that fear, and then do what’s most important.

Many parenting decisions are like that; balancing the value of doing something worthwhile versus an inescapable risk of disaster. If you decide to start a family, this is the first of many such decisions, which are brave and meaningful in themselves, regardless of result.

STATEMENT:
“I’m afraid my risk of having a genetically abnormal baby is higher than average, but I’m prepared to evaluate that risk objectively and consider it in the larger context, which is that the average risk isn’t tiny to begin with. I won’t let fear control my decision.”

I’ve worked for the same company for many years and always had good reviews, but that changed when my new boss came in, because he just doesn’t like me. He greets everyone in the morning but doesn’t make eye contact with me, jumps on every mistake I make, and if someone gives me a commendation, he asks me what I had to do to get it, as if I can’t get compliments on my work without bribing someone. So, finally, I recently asked him why he doesn’t like me, but he wouldn’t answer. I hoped that confronting him would get him to re-examine his impartiality, but I wonder. My goal is to get him to be fair.

You can’t get people to judge you fairly if they really blame you for being you; if you didn’t do anything specific to make them feel that way, there’s rarely something specific you can do to change their mind. It’s scary when those people include your boss or parent or judge, but it happens and there’s usually nothing you can do to make it better.

Sadly, expressing your fear and resentment can make it worse. Of course, you have a right to your feelings, but consider the harm of articulating them versus the aforementioned possible reward. The probability that your boss is going to reconsider his prejudices and come out with an apology is, at best, slim. On the other hand, the chances he’ll ask his lawyer whether you represent a lawsuit before treating you with punctilious correctness and building a file of your faults are sky high.

Your fear of his prejudice triggers his fear of legal retaliation, which is how fear, like a virus, becomes infectious. Your goal is to stop it before it spreads too far and can’t be contained.

Stop the transmission by inoculating your boss with the admission that you were having a bad day when you confronted him—it’s just that you take great pride in the quality of your work, and you’ve been upset that he hasn’t been satisfied with it. Your only goal is to improve your services so as to meet his needs, and you have some good ideas about how to do that. Now you’ve rebuilt the wall between work and personal feelings, one that will protect both of you from feeling defensive and/or attacked.

As you deliver your quasi-mea culpa, let your voice and posture reflect pride in your work, determination to market it successfully, and comfort with his response, whatever it is. Look professional and keep your fear hidden so as to make him feel attended to and respected.

Next, re-channel your fear into motivation to find another job. You can’t guarantee your job/justice, but you can defend your ego from feeling responsible for the boss’s displeasure while finding a place that appreciates you more.

STATEMENT:
“I hate feeling paranoid about the boss and scared of losing my job but that can’t be helped. I don’t doubt the quality of my work, which I’ll stand by regardless of his criticism or decisions about my employment. Work is only work.”