Independence Way

Posted by fxckfeelings on June 7, 2012

It’s hard to feel independent when you’re feeling, or acting, needy, and it’s hard to be in a state of neediness without feeling like a jerk. Unfortunately, life often gives you needs that can’t be helped, so being dependent on others from time to time doesn’t make you a jerk, just human. True independence is not a matter of denying your needs or keeping imports and exports equal (though that would be nice); it’s a matter of putting your values first and acknowledging it. That way, even if you aren’t making enough money, or giving or taking an equal share, you’re making good choices.
–Dr. Lastname

My ex-wife just isn’t competent to do child care, work, or much of anything, so I’ve been the single parent for my two kids and I’m proud of the job I’ve done. The only hitch is that I wouldn’t have been able to bring them up in our nice house and send them to good schools if it weren’t for my parents’ support; I’ve done a good job at everything except getting a good job. Recently, I trained up for a sales job, but now it’s clear that I’m no good at it, so now l’ll need to ask my parents for more money, and I can’t imagine how I’m going to do it. My goal is to stop being so dependent on my parents to survive.

Economic independence is a good feeling, but if it was the most important measure of a person’s worth then the most admirable person on earth would be Donald Trump (and even he had some help from dad). That’s a vision even the staunchest capitalist could not abide.

The fact is, economic independence is another of those feel-good outcomes that we influence but never fully control, so there are many reasons why good people don’t have it or come to lose it. That wouldn’t be true in a fair and perfect world, but it’s certainly true in this one.

Sure, there are people out there who live off of their parents’ money in order to reach their goal of playing as much Xbox as humanly possible, but that’s clearly not your situation. You aren’t partying, you’re parenting, and while you’d respect yourself more if you could support your family yourself, parents rarely have time for pride.

In other words, raising two kids on your own is hard work and a major accomplishment, so if your parents’ money gives them additional advantages, it’s funding a good priority. You’d certainly accept scholarship money on their behalf, so put aside the guilty feeling you get from taking your parents’ money and think about your standards. You believe in putting the kids first, looking for a job, and working hard to support yourself and your kids. I assume you’re ready to take whatever work you can get, and if those are your standards, you’re doing a good job of meeting them, even if financial success isn’t the guaranteed end result.

If you’re meeting your standards, prepare a statement that honors the good work you and your parents have done. You’re sorry that your choice of a partner was unlucky and that you’re not great at making money, but you’re grateful that your parents helped out and you’re proud of their values. With their help, you gave the kids a good upbringing and lots of opportunities. You’ve been a good parent and they’ve been good grandparents; the financial returns have been small, but the greater returns in your kids’ future are much more important.

We’d all like to make a ton, give our parents a dream vacation, and then welcome them to our mansion, but life is all about making tough choices with limited resources. You and your parents have good reason to be proud of yours, and grateful for what you have: a strong family whose last name isn’t Trump.

STATEMENT:
“Until I support my family financially I’ll always feel humiliated, but I know my hard work has paid off in the ways that count most and that my family, including my parents, has lived up to its values.“

I’m proud that I didn’t drop everything and come running when I got a midnight booty call from the girlfriend who suddenly dropped me a few months ago. I told her I needed to get up early and made a date for two days later, which she broke, of course. I always knew she was no good at sticking with relationships and wasn’t really surprised when she dumped me, but getting cut off again hurt more than I thought it would. My goal is to keep from getting re-involved with or re-injured by her.

Congratulations for not running over to meet your ex-girlfriend’s midnight sexual siren call, but ask yourself why you should be talking to her at all. I don’t mean you should be angry, just that you should ask whether this relationship meets your own requirements for a friendship (or phone number) worth keeping.

To be good for your health, a friendship should offer as much getting as it gives, give both parties someone to count on, and not burden you with repeated, avoidable, not-for-a-good-cause heartache hangovers. It should make you stronger, not weaker (or put you at risk for strange rashes in unspeakable places). There’s nothing wrong with wanting things that aren’t good for you but, since your mom and dad are no longer responsible for your security, it’s your job to screen out those human guilty pleasures, which is what this ex is.

Unless I misunderstand, you’ve let yourself date someone whom you can count on—to dump you, which means you’re trying to be mean to yourself, or you’re just determined to improve my business. Remember, your goal isn’t to star in your own personal reality TV show, but it’s to find someone who will treat you decently.

Don’t get mad and don’t get even, just do your job of screening out the fun but fatal relationships that come your way. Yes, it’s easier said than done, but it’s easier to do it than suffer the fall-out (usually in my office) for days afterward. Better to delete her from your phone and your life.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t stop missing my old girlfriend and wishing for her company, but I know she dumped me because she’s a dumper, and not because I did anything wrong, so I will protect myself properly rather than try to persuade her that she made a mistake.”