Approval Refusal

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 29, 2011

Whether you’re hustling for tips, laughs, or just a good impression, getting a positive response seems like your most important goal. Trouble is, it also makes you more sensitive to shame, rejection, and superficial judgment while robbing you of pride you might know you deserve. So enjoy the singles, applause, and/or second dates if they come, but the most positive response has to come from you.
–Dr. Lastname

I met (and fell for) my girlfriend when I first started doing comedy improv—she’s been doing it for years, so she taught me the basics—and I’ve been looking forward to performing together ever since. We’ve been getting along well as a couple, particularly since I understand and accept that she’s not very good at understanding and interacting with people, and that she can get brusque when she’s just preoccupied with her own ideas. I don’t take that stuff personally, but when she told me recently that she didn’t want to perform with me because my timing is off and it interferes with hers, I was hurt. After all, that’s not what our director or the audience seems to think—they think we’re funny together—but she obviously disrespected my abilities, after having been encouraging me for so long, and it really bothered me. I don’t know if there’s any point in wanting to be with her if she doesn’t respect my work.

Everyone talks about how crucial honesty is in relationships, but when you’re dating someone with a social palsy, you often get honesty in excess…which can often lead to a lack of wanting to talk to each other anymore.

Even though you know your girlfriend’s bad at censoring herself or her moods, you can’t help feeling hurt when the girl you love and respect, personally and professionally, tells you she doesn’t like your style. It’s especially baffling when she helped create your style in the first place.

Once you act hurt and retaliate, however, you’re provoking or criticizing someone who already has an ax to grind, and more disrespect is sure to follow. That’s how road rage ignites and Middle Eastern wars begin. Honesty is not the best policy.

Take comfort from the fact that you’re no longer a comedy neophyte and rejection by your partner is not so important now that you have the experience to make and respect your own judgment.

After all, you know that the basic reason people create partnerships is not really love, sex, or creative collaboration—although these reasons may be important at the beginning—but because they need someone to blame when they’re not feeling good. That and separate sinks are the foundation of any good marriage.

Too much blame and grumpy honesty, particularly if it’s one way, may indeed make a creative relationship unbearable and not worth sustaining. Give yourself a chance though to weigh the whole thing before letting your hurt feelings take over. Ask yourself what you value about the relationship; if it’s being close to someone who consistently puts down your work and, even worse, gives you bad notes, then sure, suck it up and say good-bye.

Here, however, you’ve had a lot of good give and take. You’ve learned from one another, and that implies true respect. You’re both comedy professionals, which allows you to support one another and share a unique perspective that’s alien to most civilians, even if you can’t be creative together. You know she’s got a bad mouth and that it’s not personal, and if nothing else, she knows you’ve got potential.

If you decide the relationship has value, then don’t let hurt control your actions. If you decide the package is worth it, then put negativity off the agenda. Tell her your timing is fine, and so is hers, and that you believe you would work well together.

If she disagrees, then you’ll enjoy a brief turn as a tragedy duo and go your separate ways.

STATEMENT:
“It hurts to hear my girlfriend say she doesn’t like working with me, but I’m now experienced enough to believe in my own work and I know her well enough to think her reasons come from her problems, not mine. I believe she respects me. My goal is to make the best of our relationship and not let my judgment be swept away by hurt feelings.”

I’ve started dating a guy I really like, and I realize that, after 5 dates, I haven’t told him a couple things I’m afraid would scare him away, like the fact I was once married for a year, and that I’m 30 and living with my parents. I work hard, like my job, and save up my money, and the marriage wasn’t crazy, it just didn’t work out. I’m worried, though, that if I tell him now he’ll feel I wasn’t being honest and I’ll just sound defensive. This is my first post-divorce/at-home relationship, so I’m not sure what the rules are. What should I say to him?

Before worrying about what someone else will think of the less attractive aspects of your life, decide what you think. These are not things you can hide from a prospective partner for too long, nor are they exactly secrets. After all, living with your parents isn’t exactly the same as being born a different gender (but at least most transsexuals don’t have to deal with mom folding their underwear).

The more importance you put on your image, the more your self-acceptance depends on the opinion of others, which gives you more reason to hide information and fear their judgment. And that makes it really hard to feel comfortable expecting acceptance and love from anyone else.

Ask yourself what you think about living at home at age 30, forgetting what it looks like. Use criteria you think are more important, like whether you’re doing your best to make a living, be a good roommate, and manage your money responsibly.

There’s no shame in having bad employment luck or in using a stay at home to build capital. If you think that you’re avoiding responsibilities by living at home, however, then you need to change—not to look better to boyfriends, but to live up to your values and get your life together. Otherwise, be proud of what you’re doing and show your pride when you talk about it.

Divorce may look bad, too, but trust your own standards for making the best of a failed relationship. Decide for yourself whether you broke up because of your bad behavior, or problems with commitment—or whether you gave marriage a good try, behaved yourself, and simply ran into some basic incompatibilities.

You probably learned much from your hard times, and, from what you haven’t said, I suspect that your own behavior has been fine. Don’t apologize for the hopes and values you brought to your marriage or for the efforts you made to make it work and/or manage the divorce with minimal conflict.

So, when you talk to your boyfriend, don’t confess or try to win his approval, because that gives too much power to appearance and the opinions of others. Instead, stand by your decisions and see if he respects you enough for who you are, no matter where you live, what your marital status has been, or what junk you were born with. If you accept those things and he doesn’t, then he’s the one who should be ashamed.

STATEMENT:
“I guess I’m reticent to talk about things that may make me seem like an unattractive loser, but I have my standards and I’m living up to them in ways I can be proud of. If I can talk about how I’ve managed my problems instead of confessing that I have them, I’ll give my boyfriend a chance to get to know my strengths and give myself a chance to see if he values me for the right reasons.”