Missed Connections
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 19, 2011
The purpose of life is not to be found in human connectedness, or at least not the kind that arises from the instant sharing of feelings, food, and/or bodily fluids. RomComs, pop songs and almost every advice source might tell you otherwise, but there’s no reason for people who don’t connect easily to feel or be excluded from the human race. Whether you’re attachment-impaired or dealing with someone who doesn’t know a relationship from a turnip, your job is to build relationships according to your own standards, in your own way. Even if you don’t share, you can still care.
–Dr. Lastname
Even in my 40s, I carry a lot of baggage/resentment from my upbringing. I was born in a foreign country and adopted by an older couple who had already raised two of their own kids before deciding to adopt. They were worn out, emotionally distant–my Mother suffered severe depression—so it was a quiet, lonely, and undirected childhood. I’ve since created what most days feels like a good life but working in a very competitive field, I feel like it can all be taken away from me in a flash (and, like most people since the economy collapsed, I’ve been laid off a number of times). I’ve always managed to find work, but I can’t help but think my shy and quiet demeanor has a lot to do with ending up on the chopping block; slipping through the cracks has been the recurring theme of my life. On some level I know I suffer from attachment disorder–connecting with others has always been a challenge and making idle chit-chat with co-workers and “bragging” about my accomplishments takes extreme effort—but moving forward I’d like to feel more connected to people I work with and form stronger relationships and friendships in my life. I think it would be good for my career and my overall being. How do I make that happen?
Before plumbing your personal history for the cause of your isolation, examining its impact on your resume, or trying to increase your degree of connectedness to other people, there’s a much simpler first step—asking yourself why you’re doing all this in the first place.
You’re not saying you’re lonely or that you wish to be closer to a particular friend or family member, just that, if you were more connected to others in a general, categorical way, you would be less disposable and less easily fired. That may be true.
On the other hand, you’re also saying that your lack of connectedness, like your mother’s lack of connection with you, represents a kind of failure that makes life less meaningful. That’s just plain false.
Yes, connection and emotionality can give life meaning, but love often turns to meanness and shallow sentimentality if it isn’t based on shared purpose and strength of character, and those who allow neediness, love or lust to run their social life often feel that everything is less worthwhile when things fall apart. (If you need examples, this site’s archives have plenty.)
On the other hand, your mother, whom you describe as depressed, worn out, and distant, may have achieved something meaningful in adopting you. No, neither you nor she experienced a sense of happiness or intimacy and, if those are your main criteria for judging worth, then her parenting was a failure from which you haven’t been able to recover.
What she did do, however, in spite of depression, aloofness, and fatigue, was give you safety, stability, and a chance to grow, and you clearly did a lot of growing, acquired substantial skills, and developed a good work ethic.
I assume you could, in some way, count on her, and, given your background and start in life, that’s a big deal. As parenting goes, distant isn’t good, but unreliable is much worse, and that’s worth acknowledging. It’s also possible that there was love on both sides that neither of you was good at recognizing, either in yourself or the other. You both may have achieved more than you realize.
Don’t then assume then that the connectedness of small talk and easily flowing feelings is the only or best way to be. As Star Trek’s Spock demonstrated more than a few times (and in alternate realities), even the emotionally aloof can create meaningful bonds by spending more time with someone, gathering information necessary to translate feelings into their own terms, and learning to express whatever is important.
As far as work goes, you don’t need to feel obliged to joke around or share feelings at the water cooler. Find projects that will allow you to work with people you respect, become a good listener, and keep a database on what’s important to them and interesting to you. When Spock says “Fascinating!” he means it, even if he doesn’t get the joke or join in the camaraderie.
Don’t try to be chatty or regard yourself as a failure if you’re shy and like solitude. Give yourself the right to choose the importance of relationships in your life and then go about building them, using the strengths you have and not torturing yourself.
This is an instance where space, at least the one that exists between you and others, need not be the final frontier.
STATEMENT:
“I may feel marginal because I’m shy and don’t attach easily to others, but that hasn’t prevented me from achieving independence or doing good things with my life. If I respect my own strengths, and choose relationship goals that are meaningful to me, I can find my own ways of achieving them.”
When I got home from vacation recently, I felt guilty about fending off a dinner invitation with a nice but obnoxious cousin and wrote him an email suggesting I’d missed his calls because I’d been away, and I was now very busy catching up, was sorry to have missed him, but would phone when I had a chance. Alas, he has phoned daily since and has an unerring ability to call when I’m just going out the door or sitting down to dinner, etc. He is also an extremely difficult person to get off the phone, failing to grasp concepts like “I must go now.” I thought perhaps I could write him to tell him of my unfortunate agoraphobia and chronic laryngitis, but I’m sure Dr. Lastname can provide nicer advice about reaching my goal of avoiding contact with boring relatives. Honest to God, he phones at least once a day. And nothing gets rid of him. Except you?
It’s a sad truth that some people yearn for closeness (see above) while others crave distance, but that’s the fun nature of the human condition. It’s not clear what your cousin wants aside from a (boring, endless) dinner, but as much as you want to avoid that, you should first determine what’s best in the long run.
There’s no reason to feel guilty about disliking a friendly cousin who lacks social skills. Feelings are feelings, and just as they may draw you to someone who’s a charismatic asshole, they may also drive you away from a decent bore. Which is to say, sometimes your feelings have their upside, just not for your cousin.
It’s natural, too, to be amused by the oblivious blindness of the socially impaired, irritated when it pushes them to intrude into your territory, and perhaps guilty about your negative response to a friendly overture (complete with four symphonic movements and an encore before the first intermission). What you don’t want, however, is to let irritation or guilt control your response.
Decide how much contact you feel obliged to have with a cousin you don’t really like, thinking generically and in terms of policy, procedure, and consequences. Factor in any debts, moral or otherwise, that you owe him or his parents.
Remember that, apart from the displeasure of his company, you may gain satisfaction and meaning from meeting occasionally, sharing memories about old times, and swapping information about relatives you seldom see. Decide for yourself whether this activity gives you a broader sense of where you come from, who you are, and the community you belong to—even when it’s boring.
Don’t feel obliged to hurt feelings in order to make him go away; patience and inventiveness, which you obviously possess, can do the job. Without lying, you can tell him you’re engaged in a number of solitary projects, often don’t answer the phone or respond to friends for long periods of time, and refuse to give details (which, given your cousin’s lack of perception, probably won’t be asked for anyway).
Assure yourself that you can control the duration of any conversation, as long as you give yourself the right to do so, and that you need never fear drowning in his persistent attention.
Don’t expect him to get the message—he just doesn’t get that kind of message. That means, however, that he’s also unlikely to be offended by your unending excuses for not responding to his calls, or your methods for shortening their duration when you allow them to happen. You can keep your distance without being cruel, even if he can’t take a hint.
STATEMENT:
“I may feel guilty and irritated by my cousin’s calls and wish I could get a restraining order, but I make my own decisions about sustaining family connections and I will stick to my own rules, regardless.”
