Up In Smoke

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 1, 2011

It’s hard not to think of stoner weirdos as victims of bad choices who need a haircut and a good, tough talking-to. In reality, many misfits, potheads especially, have no control over the fact that life offers them no good fit for their talents and temperament, and the belief that they should have or could have done better makes them more passively resistant, unpleasant, and prone to mass consumption of tacos. So, instead of moralizing and breaking out the shears, confront their negative behavior by accepting the fact that stoner misfits are who they are while offering suggestions about how they can do better with themselves (starting with fewer tacos).
–Dr. Lastname

There’s a guy on my team at work who drags everyone down, but the boss does nothing to confront him, and it really prevents us all from doing good work. This guy does just enough to get by, and he sucks up to the other guys, so they’re somewhat protective of him. Meanwhile, he’s dismissive with me and the other women on the team and has a way of passing the buck to us, losing what we give him, and then blaming our hormones if we complain. No surprise here, he’s a heavy stoner and smokes during the day, but everyone at work seems to think it’s no big deal. I like the job and the people, but I’m afraid that complaining to our boss will be seen as petty and disloyal to our team. I don’t mind telling this guy to his face that I’m unhappy with his work and attitude, but it would just make him even nastier and impossible. At the same time, I don’t want to be silent just because the boys don’t respect what I’m saying. What can I do to make this work?

When you’ve got a job where you like the work and the people you work with, it’s natural to feel that the bad behavior of a single jerk shouldn’t be able to ruin it for you (and everyone else), let alone a lazy, sexist jerk with a drug problem.

Trouble is, his behavior can totally ruin it for you and everyone else unless your boss or other co-workers are reasonably good at managing his behavior instead of just avoiding conflict and sharing dumb jokes.

Unfortunately, as you may have noticed, they’re not really rising to the task so far, and that’s something you don’t control. At least it seems you’ve been good about controlling your own rage.

That’s important, because if you vent your frustration about his provocative behavior, you may make the boss and this guy’s buddies defensive, in which case they’ll bind together and focus on you and your buzzkill woman-logic as the problem.

There is a way to provide the missing ingredient, however, by creating a positive context for discussing the group’s accomplishments and the problems that get in its way, while keeping your negative feelings under wraps. Instead of talking about this guy’s slacker status, endless stash or jerk behavior, list specific actions, attitudes and episodes of hard work that represent the team at its best.

Then discuss this guy’s negative behavior generically, as the kind of thing people do because they get tired or carried away (not high or dickish), but which is nevertheless a threat to the group. Avoid condemnation, blame, or moral criticism, because, as much as you might hate this guy, it doesn’t help your case to make it personal. Simply express your concern that actions such as his can have a bad impact on the group’s performance and you’d like to see things get better.

If you’re not moralistic, you don’t have to prove your point or win a war; after all, people may or may not agree with you, or may change their minds later. You can only hope this guy sees what you mean and can change what he’s doing, because you’d like to see him succeed too. He’s a member of your group and you respect his strengths (even if his many weaknesses drive you nuts).

In effect, give the group the benefit of your administrative vision and hope it resonates with them and/or your boss. If you can focus enough on the good possibilities and keep your description of bad behaviors objective and impersonal, you’ll get through to some people who might have run away from your anger.

If not, at least you’ll know you’ve done your best and maybe planted a seed that will grow later (and NOT into a marijuana plant).

STATEMENT:
“I think my co-worker is a nasty, condescending, lazy jerk, but I still have hopes for the work our team could do and want to see how far we can get in spite of him. If I can persuade people to share my vision of our possibilities and the need for better behavior, without focusing on the jerk as a bad guy, maybe we can do better. In any case, I will not let myself be drawn into criticism and blame.”

My daughter is a sweet stoner who expects very little of herself but makes a basic living and gets by. She’s a lovely kid who’s bright but never did well in school and now works in retail. She’s responsible and carries her weight, but barely covers her expenses and has no ambition to do anything but linger in the service industry and continue to get high. I feel guilty for wanting more for her and not really accepting her as she is, and I know that criticism won’t help. What can I do, if anything, to get her motivated?

You have good reason to worry about an unmotivated, pot-loving kid. Life is hard, and pleasure-loving grasshoppers have few resources to draw on when their luck turns bad, other than their motivated ant/parents. Your daughter may see herself as independent, but you know how she’s going to wind up if/when her money runs out.

That said, you’re right that it won’t help to criticize her for ingratitude, thoughtlessness, or a lack of discipline. For one thing, she probably feels bad that she hasn’t found a better niche—even Jeffery “The Dude” Lebowski has his moments of regret—and for another, the more you make her feel like a poorly performing kid, the more she’ll need to toke up.

You don’t have to let yourself get frozen between silence and anger, however, if you can bring up the issue constructively, and keep the aforementioned negative feelings out of the conversation. Unlike the case above, though, you’re more supervisor than co-worker, so you have the ability to go straight to the source with your concerns.

Begin by acknowledging her strengths–a winning personality, willingness to work for her living, and ability to enjoy herself–then avoid the temptation to talk about choices and responsibilities. After all, you can never be sure how much choice she has about her habits and lifestyle or how hard she’s being pushed by her biology (both towards smoking ganga and away from motivation in general).

Then express your vision for a better future, which is that she should build more security for herself, given the fact that the economy always eventually goes bad, Murphy’s Law rules, and America is not known for its safety net.

Remind her that many self-labeled misfits find interesting things to do later in life, and that their years as misfits are usually not caused by laziness or mistakes, but by the fact that life doesn’t present everyone with a neat, work-hard-and-you’ll-get-there career. It’s not fair, and many good people are misfits, but the big danger is that she’ll feel too responsible for her situation, give up, and get stoned, rather than remain open to them.

Pot-smoking may reduce her opportunities or not, so urge her to evaluate for herself whether it reduces her initiative and ability to get things done. To do so, she will probably need to stop for a while and see what happens. You’re not telling her to stop forever or that pot-smoking is bad, simply that you want to be sure she’s managing herself objectively, rather than letting anxiety or her need for relief direct her priorities.

In the short run, you may make no difference. In the long run, good coaching can help her to think objectively about her life, appreciate her strengths, monitor problem behaviors, and sustain her self-esteem.

She’s not a bad kid, she’s just not making good decisions. You have the ability, however, to push her towards better methods of decision-making, if not better decisions. Alas, The Dude can only abide so much.

STATEMENT:
“I sometimes feel my daughter has failed to get started in life and that the fault is mine, but I know I’ve given her a good home and that there are many good people who have trouble finding a niche. I will continue to coach her on good life management, respect myself for doing that job, and refuse to hold myself, or her, responsible for results we don’t control.”