Spousal Support

Posted by fxckfeelings on June 27, 2011

Sharing career decisions with your spouse may expose you to unwanted advice and criticism, but it can also remind you that you’re not in this world just to work; for instance, if Whitey Bulger consulted (one of his many) girlfriends about his on-the-job pressures, they might have helped him keep his murder count down (or they might have wound up dead themselves). In any case, what your spouse knows, potentially, is that it’s not healthy to build your self-confidence on your ability to work yourself like a criminal, and your urges to be a good worker can have wider costs, be they for your family or your freedom.
–Dr. Lastname

I usually like my job, which is running the major gifts department of the development office of a medium sized-college, but lately I’ve been ready to tell the Board of Trustees where to get off. For the past 4 years we’ve had a reduced budget, like everyone else, and so I’ve tried to do more and volunteered to freeze my own salary, and the Board was appreciative. This past 6 months, however, I’ve been extra stressed by the fact that my assistant has been a no-show, for reasons of illness that I know are somewhat exaggerated, and the Board has been a lot more sympathetic about his problem than about the additional work that I and the rest of my team have had to do. My husband and I are not financially independent—we’ve got 2 kids in college—but I’ve had it. I’m ready to share my feelings with the Board Chairman. That’s my goal.

Gandhi is largely remembered as a selfless leader who starved and suffered for his people. It’s possible though that there is one person who remembered him quite differently, and that person, as we’ve stated before, is Mrs. Gandhi.

That’s because, by taking a vow of poverty, Gandhi signed up his wife and kids for a life of poverty, like it or not, even after he died (and whether or not he did this while shtupping a German weight-lifter is besides the point). He was a noble man, but a shitty husband and father.

Remember, no matter how much you’re dedicated to your cause, there are limits, especially because, in this case, your cause is just your stupid job. Its purpose, regardless of your departmental mission, is to make money so you and your kids won’t starve and you can pay their tuition.

(That’s the purpose of life, by the way– tuition. Peace and equality are nice, but tuition feels like a loftier, more obscure goal.)

Sacrifice your raise if you think it’s necessary, but don’t sacrifice it for your Board’s appreciation, because that’s going to make you more personally reactive to their feelings and actions, which is dangerous. The bigger the board, the more likely it contains one or more assholes, and assholes, by definition, don’t respond fairly to kind gestures, because they always expect more. You’re setting yourself up to blow a fuse.

Now would be a good time to turn to your strategic adviser in this mess, a.k.a., your husband, Mrs. Gandhi. I assume you’ve got a husband who is the wind beneath your wings, and I doubt that he’s telling you to give ‘em hell. In fact, he’s probably wondering why you didn’t negotiate a better salary, and won’t be pleased if you put your job and your family’s financial security on the line because of hurt feelings.

He gives you lots of appreciation, so ask yourself if you’ve actually listened to him. Yes, he wants you to be happy, but no one is going to be happy if you don’t have a paycheck or another job lined up with two kids in college.

Instead of seeking the moral satisfaction that goes with accommodation and self-sacrifice, dig deeper to grapple with the higher, less-feel-good morality of balancing obligation to work and responsibility for your family’s survival. You won’t get a good feeling from managing that balance, because there’s never enough time or money, and boards (and family) are never as fair and appreciative as they should be. Then again, you also won’t get a good feeling from being broke and telling your kids they have to settle for a semester of community college each.

Be proud of being a good manager, and never let your need for appreciation, or a doing-good feeling, get the upper hand. And if you’re still going to take a stand/a vow of poverty, remember that, by doing so, you’re putting your marriage vows second.

STATEMENT:
“I’m proud of my response to the college’s budget shortfall, and it’s painful not to have that hard work and sacrifice recognized, but sometimes a lack of recognition is part of the job. I won’t let hurt feelings get in the way of my doing my job, which includes satisfying my Board, providing good services for what I’m paid, and negotiating a raise as soon as possible.”

I love my wife and we share a lot of interests, but I’ve noticed that I tend to stay later at work since the kids grew up and left home. At first, I thought it was because I had trouble staying focused and getting all my work done, so I changed my workload and figured out ways to get most of my paperwork done before 5P. I’ve noticed I’m still reluctant to leave and I’ll even fall asleep at my desk when I should be heading home. I need to figure out whether it’s because I have a problem with my wife or a sleep problem or something else that causes me to linger at work when I don’t really have to.

From childhood on, many hard-working people tend to get over-absorbed by work. It’s a good thing, in part, because as long as the world needs whatever it is you’re producing, compulsiveness will help you get ahead, produce kids, and spread your tight-ass genes into the next generation. Darwin was a tight-ass or he’d never have finished his books, particularly since he was tired, distracted, and so rich he didn’t need the money.

Trying to understand why you stay at work may make your problem worse, because self-understanding is an excuse to obsess and avoid changing your behavior until insight makes it easy, which is not going to happen. Stopping work early is hard, as is admitting your weakness and fighting your instincts. It’s easier to think about why you can’t leave and hope enlightenment will give you the key. Distraction and wishful thinking like that is was gets you picked off by natural selection.

Don’t demoralize yourself or hurt your wife’s feelings by blaming your workaholic behavior on negative feelings in your marriage; there’s a good chance your marriage is fine. You’re just a workaholic and your wife is good enough to tolerate it (and benefit from it). The more you obsess about it, the more you’ll put blame where it shouldn’t go.

Your problem isn’t all that different from man-boys who will pee their pants rather than leave their computers. Teachers call this issue “a problem with transitions,” meaning that some kids have trouble shifting gears, stopping what they’re doing, and starting something else. That may be the kind of brain you have. If only they made mental diapers.

Instead of figuring out why you can’t stop working or blaming your marriage, own up to your problem and try new tricks for getting out of the office. Set an alarm on your phone, ask your wife to call you or for the maintenance crew to kick you out and lock the door.

If you treat your work compulsion as a bad habit, you’ll do better than if you waste time analyzing the reasons why the habit exists. After all, why sit and stagnate when you can address the problem and evolve.

STATEMENT:
“I’m ashamed that I can’t leave work when there’s no good reason for me to stay, but I’m determined to fight the habit, even if it hurts, because I have a better vision for how I want to spend my time.”