5 Things To Remember Before Getting Sucked Into Family Drama

Posted by fxckfeelings on July 22, 2021

When close family members are fighting, it’s natural to want to step in and make it stop. After all, you care about these people and don’t want to see them hurt or have them angry at you. But, as we always say, unless you’re a drill sergeant, judge or magician, making people do things isn’t an option. So before you try to get between to warring parties, even if you love/are related to them, here are five things to remind yourself of before getting sucked into family drama.

1)Examine The Previous Effect of Expressing Your Feelings 

While speaking your piece has probably given you relief in the past and, if you were speaking to someone who cared about you but was uninvolved with the drama, it might’ve helped to clear the air and organize you thoughts. But if you’re speaking to someone who is involved, then you’re less “clearing the air” than “giving the fire oxygen,” all without providing any insight or argument that will actually clear the conflict up. Experience should tell you that self-expression is out.

2) Ponder Past Attempts To Be A Protector

When close family members are fighting, it’s natural to want to step in and make it stop. After all, you care about these people and don’t want to see them hurt or have them angry at you. But, as we always say, unless you’re a drill sergeant, judge, or magician, making people do things isn’t an option. So before you try to get between warring parties, even if you love/are related to them, here are five things to remind yourself of before getting sucked into family drama.

3) Assess Who the Real Assholes Are

Most families have at least one and, very much like the actual kind, s/he can be counted on to produce shit regularly, no matter how nice, thoughtful, and constructive you may be. Remembering how they are and their history of assholery, be careful not to share too much time or intimate information with them, as it only gives them material to “digest.” And be ready with polite scripts that will allow you to disagree and disengage whenever necessary (see below).

4) Stick to the Script

Rehearse some scripted lines, crafted from your experience of past conflicts, that will help you assert yourself when necessary, i.e., when you have to calmly refute an accusation, provocation, or invitation to feel guilty, without provoking conflict. Tell them that you’ve given [their statement/horseshit] a lot of thought because it’s an important point and you respect their opinion, etc., but that you disagree and prefer not to get into why at this time. If they won’t let it go, then it’s time to express dismay to let them know you have somewhere you need to be that you also can’t get into and will be in touch soon.

5) Craft Constructive, Controllable Goals 

Now that you’ve accepted that the smart choice is staying out of it and made that clear to the warring parties involved, that doesn’t mean that you can or should have to cut these people out of your life entirely. You can still figure out safe, positive, neutral things you can do to stay involved, like benignly checking on their welfare, expressing good wishes, and acting decently when insulted or mistreated (then getting the fuck out as soon as your mission is complete). Now that you know what you can’t do to help, be proud of the good things you offer, whether they’re appreciated or not.