Relationshift

Posted by fxckfeelings on October 5, 2020

A conflict-free relationship that hasn’t gone through hard times is like a rare, expensive sports car; just having it and occasionally driving it around the block makes you feel good and special, but if you suddenly need it for regular use it becomes a tiresome burden. So if you’re in a feel-good, low-stress relationship that suddenly becomes somewhat feel-bad, it’s up to you to decide whether what you have is worth working on and keeping, flaws and all, or whether it’s time to let it go and find something more along the lines of a human minivan. 
– Dr. Lastname

My partner of some years has mild Aspergers and an anxiety disorder, and we’ve been in a long-distance relationship for most of those years (seeing each other every other weekend or so). We share the same values and enjoy doing most of the same things. Although he’s a good learner and he’s gotten better in these years, he has a lot of quirks that make me have to do more work (like saying “ok” instead of helping me to continue a conversation or accidentally teasing me in a way that hurts my feelings). Still, when I bring them up, which generally happens when I visit him, it often ends up with him not talking and shutting down, rolled in a ball, saying he’s a monster, and then I get upset because he’s not talking to me and I hate that I caused conflict. Still, when I don’t bring them up I feel resentful. It’s gotten to a point that we feel somewhat anxious around each other (though at the same time we enjoy being together). My goal is to find a way to bring up issues with him that’s constructive without being upsetting.

F*ck Love: One Shrink’s Sensible Advice for Finding a Lasting Relationship

It’s natural to feel like protesting when your partner hurts your feelings because we’re taught that in relationships, communication is key. But if communication won’t change anything—and it’s unlikely to with someone who has uniquely poor communication wiring—then it isn’t key, it’s crap.

Your bigger goal in a long term, well-functioning relationship is not to fruitlessly express feelings. It’s to decide whether the good outweighs the bad, and whether you can accept someone the way they are and feel accepted by them, despite the hurt they sometimes cause.

You can of course try to change behaviors you don’t like, but even then, sharing feelings isn’t the way to do it. Instead, try to frame criticism positively and without sharing the negative emotion you really feel. Otherwise, if your partner can’t understand or agree with you, your anger will cause pushback and more anger, and may bring out more of the behavior you dislike. 

So, instead of telling him his jokes are cruel or that they’ve hurt your feelings, praise his sense of humor (always start with something positive) before expressing concern about the way his jokes occasionally have an unintentionally hurtful quality. Then let him know that you would prefer it if he tried to joke less, even though you enjoy the fact that he likes to make you laugh (end positive). At that point, you’ve done your best, offering positive suggestions and a careful description of the behavior you wish he would stop. And if your best doesn’t work and he continues the offensive jokes anyway, then the question isn’t whether or not you can change him—you can’t—but whether you can put up with it. 

You might hope that trying to get him to understand how you feel, perhaps with the help of an empathic therapist, would get through to him, but that’s unlikely. You’ve known your partner a long time and his ability to understand or feel comfortable with feelings is limited. If you persist and try harder, it will probably make him feel more uncomfortable and helpless, thus bringing out worse behavior in him and worse feelings in you. 

So ask yourself whether the good times make it worth putting up with the bad behavior. Try to avoid his obnoxious side by seeing him less, or arranging activities that reduce his opportunities to say dumb things. Just don’t continue trying to change him, because that’s a mean thing to do to both of you. Eventually, you can either accept him—unresponsiveness, Asperger’s, stupid criticism and all—or accept that this relationship is no longer going to work.

Don’t allow your negative feelings to devalue the positive things you’ve built. If you believe the relationship is worth it, credit yourself with being able to tolerate the unpleasantness, silently, for the sake of what you value. Good partnerships don’t require changing to meet one another’s needs, but learning to accept whatever it is that doesn’t meet those needs and embracing the rest. It’s up to you to decide whether your partnership is good enough to hold onto, despite some very bad jokes. 

STATEMENT:  

“I feel devalued and unheard when I tell my boyfriend to stop doing something that bothers me, and he doesn’t. But, if I decide he’s still worth it, I’ll be careful to couch behavioral criticism in positive language and give it up if it doesn’t help. Accepting him won’t make me happy or comfortable, but I’ll decide whether he’s worth it and accept the hurt he sometimes causes if I think it’s unavoidable and the partnership worthwhile.”