5 Ways To Find a Goal To Feel Better

Posted by fxckfeelings on August 20, 2020

When you feel like crap, an obvious goal is to feel like not-crap, but just because it’s obvious doesn’t mean it’s simple. If, like our reader from earlier, you need a better goal than “feeling better,” here are five ways to find that goal.

1) Focus On Action Over Emotions

Since “feeling good” is often out of your control—the determination to have a good day is no match for rainclouds, incontinent birds, and/or current events—focus instead on what it takes to make you feel like a good person. Define for yourself the actions that define good person-hood, e.g., being a good friend, supporting yourself, delivering good work, being a good partner or parent, not being an asshole. Ignore the things that make you happy, like love, sex, money, and admiration. Being a good person isn’t always a feel-good endeavor. 

2) Approach your Assessment

After making your list of good person traits, rate yourself realistically in those areas above that you think are important and meaningful. Don’t get perfectionistic or overly self-judgmental (an easy thing to do if you’re miserable and depressed), but don’t shy away from judgment. Rate yourself as you would rate a friend, looking at the facts as you know them. Good enough is a good grade because it’s not easy for most of us to be a good person, especially when we feel terrible.

3) Witness Your Weak Spots

Ask yourself whether there’s anything you really need to improve, in order to think of yourself as a reasonably good person—i.e., not an asshole—or whether you’re OK with yourself. Unlike trying to feel good, which is broad, ambiguous, and can often be achieved by destructive behaviors (e.g., lots of spending, sleeping, and/or opiates), trying to be good isn’t as complicated. If you’ve assessed where your weaknesses are then you know exactly where your attention should go. 

4) Address Areas of Improvement

So now that you’ve figured out what, if anything, you really need to improve in order to be a good person, you’ve figured out your goal. Rate the probability, if you try to become a reasonably good person, that you’ll become more unhappy than you are now. For instance, if you need to control your temper, your drinking, or your spending, you may feel worse before you feel better. But understanding that, and the long-term rewards can go a long way towards making the work and discomfort more bearable. It also helps to find people, like family and friends, a therapist, or even a support group, who can offer you advice and encouragement. 

5) Redefine Failure

If, on the other hand, you’re really doing OK in all the areas of being a good person that matters most to you, then ask yourself whether you consider yourself a failure because you haven’t been able to overcome your unhappiness. If so, correct your thinking. By your own standards, you’re a reasonably good person in spite of feeling a great deal of chronic unhappiness. That’s hard to do. Nobody can control how you feel; despite feeling awful, however, you haven’t given up on being your best. So give yourself the respect you deserve for achieving what’s arguably the most important goal there is under some of the most unpleasant circumstances.