5 Ways To Tell If Your Kid Is an Asshole™

Posted by fxckfeelings on May 28, 2020

The children may be our future, but in their present state some children, like the one a reader described earlier, cannot be taught well or allowed to lead the way (unless you want to be lead into jail). That’s because some kid are just Assholes, i.e., they’re impossible to reason with and a danger to everyone around them. Unlike adult Assholes, kids have the potential to grow out of it and change, but making limitless efforts to be that agent of change can make you into an Asshole yourself. So here are five ways to tell if your kid isn’t just troubled but an Asshole, a.k.a., trouble itself.

1) Pep Talks Have No Purpose

When someone won’t stop fucking up, it’s natural to believe that, if they only understood why what they’re doing is wrong and how it’s really hurting people then they’d finally get why it’s bad and put an end to it. But after discussing bad behaviors with this kid, the bad feelings they cause in others and their own bad feelings that might motivate them, nothing’s getting through. Your explanations fall flat, your limits are blown through, your explanations for your limits might as well be in Klingon…eventually, you have no confidence that anything you say or do will work to keep him safe or out of trouble. Then you find yourself expecting the worst and not being surprised.

2) You’re Not Alone

When none of your ideas seems to be working, try to compare notes with his other caregivers—teachers, case workers, therapists—to see what their experiences with him are like and what techniques, if any, they find successful. Review what they’ve tried and determine whether they seem unreasonable or kind and accepting. If they strike you as trustworthy and skilled and make it clear that, despite appreciating this kid’s strengths, formulating good rules and following through on simple, reasonable punishments, they also got nowhere, then you know you know it’s not you, it’s him (and the fact he’s as Asshole).

3) Absence of Empathy

One reason explanations and pep talks are useless—why telling him how much he’s hurting himself and others doesn’t seem to make an impact—is because he’s unable to register or be aware of how his actions make others feel, whether they’re peers or adults. Awareness may be blotted out by the intensity of his own emotions or compulsions, or, if he’s a true sociopath, may simply not exist, even at the best of times. He doesn’t seem to be avoiding empathy in order to avoid guilt, because he can be unaware with no good reason; he’s just wired wrong, so either his brain is currently bypassing his empathy chip or he never got one in the first place.

4) Compulsive Self-Harm

Unfortunately, this kid’s path of destruction doesn’t just take down external targets; when he’s in the wrong mood—overloaded with anger, frustration, misery, etc.—he can’t stop destroying his own things and/or hurting his own body. In recollecting the harm he caused, he shows no regret for what he’s done or wish to protect himself in the future. He may wish he didn’t feel that way again, but cannot imagine a good reason for not doing what he did given his feelings, or not doing the exact same thing should that feeling return. In other words, he doesn’t just lack empathy for how his actions impact others, but how they impact him and anything he cares about.

5) Assholes, Assemble

You’d think that being empathy-less, impulsive, and rage-filled would make human connection tricky, but Assholes, even young ones with violent streaks, often have no problem making friends, even if it’s just with people as awful as they are. As such, this kid has a talent for finding friends who do more bad things together than either one could ever accomplish alone. Sometimes, such friends aren’t assholes but just passive followers and sidekicks who are drawn in by the Asshole’s passionate, rebellious nature. In either case, these friends raise the risk of causing serious harm and undermining the (already weak) influence of your rules and management tools. Because, while you may at first find some hope in the fact that this kid made friends, friendships, like reasoning and empathy, won’t make an Asshole a better person. If you’re lucky, time, medication, and/or life experience may help. But in the meantime, don’t take their actions personally while planning what to do if your Asshole kid goes from impossible to dangerous.