Down with ODD
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 6, 2020
People who help troubled kids are bona fide living saints, but kids with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) are sometimes beyond miracles; kids with the most extreme form of this disorder can suck all the love and patience out of even the kindest, most dedicated caregivers, leaving them to feel burnt out and powerless. Since most of us aren’t saints, it’s important not to make yourself responsible for changing a troubled kid if you find one in your charge. Unless you include additional priorities and values in your approach and are prepared to encounter problems you can’t necessarily change, it’ll take a massive miracle to keep you from getting into major trouble.
-Dr. Lastname
My stepdaughter came to live with us two years ago. I knew there would be obstacles to overcome; we gained custody of her after a bitter, multi-state fight with her drug-addicted mother and nasty grandmother. And not surprisingly, she does indeed have a lot of issues. So I find myself yelling a lot and spending heaping amounts of time trying to help her gain some control of what her therapist calls an oppositional defiant disorder, which she certainly has. I start out trying to be kind and gentle and always end up yelling because her repeated “forgetting” of the rules of our home (100% Honest, 100% respectful) is awesomely frustrating. In the meantime, I know I’m not spending the quality time I’d like to with my husband and my other children, and I feel like shit when I finish one of these yelling sessions—they always seem to uncover lie after lie—and sad because I just don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. My goal is to get through to my stepdaughter and help her be a part of the family, AND gain more quality, happy time with my other kids and husband.
There’s nothing more admirable than trying to help a troubled child overcome the effects of toxic parenting by giving her the strong, kind parenting she deserved in the first place. Unfortunately, while you’re intentions are good, your goals are not.
That’s because the power of good parenting to change bad kids is limited, except in the movies where all it takes is love and sometimes sports. Even the most loving and thoughtful parent in the world cannot necessarily stop an angry child from continuing to be a vicious Asshole in a safe, loving home, even if that child is gifted at track or football.
In addition, as you’ve already experienced, making yourself overly responsible for rescuing and changing a bad kid will just cause you to fight with her more often, exhaust yourself, and drive your husband and other kids away. Even though they’re they’re the ones who can make the best use of your love and support.
Saintly dedication to a bad kid will, almost invariably, turn you into an Asshole as you react to her behavior, ignore your other duties, and fail to take good care of yourself. Your loving efforts are far less likely to change her for the better than they are to change you for the worse.
Your goal then is not to save your stepdaughter or get her to be honest and respectful. It’s to give her reasonable encouragement and opportunity in that direction while protecting yourself and the rest of your family from bad behavior that may not change. And yes, that requires rules and consequences, but rules that you expect to be broken and consequences that you can administer easily while protecting your time and emotion and preventing you from becoming mean.
Find yourself a good coach who can help you manage bad behaviors, like a therapist or social worker who’s experienced with troubled kids and knows that you need to do more than provide more than sympathetic understanding. They can advise you on how to choose your battles, describe behaviors that are most unacceptable, and devise rapid and easily applied responses with scripts that help you express tough things in a pleasant and unemotional way. You may need to learn techniques for physical restraint or, if she’s too strong and heavy, you’ll need to know when to call the police.
The lesson you’re trying to teach isn’t that she has to change, because you can’t make that happen. It’s that you truly believe she would be better off changing and that, if she doesn’t or can’t (and you never know how much it’s “can’t” vs “won’t),” her life in your home will be less happy for her and will not give her power over you.
Don’t undergo this training, or take on this responsibility, alone. Ask your partner to contribute his ideas about behavioral priorities, responses, and punishments, but put limits on his responsibilities as you should your own. Make it clear you don’t know whether you or he can save his daughter; you’re just giving it a good try while protecting the family you’ve created together. Schedule time together, not just to share your frustrations but also to enjoy your partnership and keep his stepdaughter from taking over your lives. And don’t be afraid to think of exit strategies if her behavior makes it unsafe for her to stay in your home, like finding resources for her to get residential treatment.
Remember, some kids are Assholes whom you can’t change, and raising the kids who can respond to your love is your first responsibility. And if you can learn all the skills required to protect yourself and family from a wild kid’s bad behaviors without becoming an Asshole yourself, you’ve succeeded magnificently, regardless of whether your stepdaughter is able to take advantage of your help or not.
STATEMENT:
“I feel like I’m failing to rescue my stepdaughter and, in the process, endangering my other family relationships and turning into a witch, but I know my responsibility for saving her is limited and that I have a higher responsibility to protect myself, my family, and my own character from her bad behavior.”
