5 Ways To Hold Your Partner Accountable

Posted by fxckfeelings on November 1, 2019

In the give and take of marriage, it’s common for one partner to suck up having to cook and pick up the dirty socks because their spouse grits his or her teeth through doing the dishes and take out the garbage. But if one partner ends up with the cooking, the socks, the dishes, and the garbage, the give and take, and the marriage, can give way entirely. So here are five ways to hold your subpar parter accountable for doing his or her share.

1) Fairly Consider His Contributions

If you’re frustrated by the fact you do everything in your marriage while your spouse does nothing/God knows what, take a pause to consider whether you’re being fair or just fed up and frustrated. After all, as we always say, the point of getting married is always having someone to blame; if you’re dealing with stress, depression, or separate marital issues, it’s easy to see your spouse’s actions, words, and/or stupid face as the source of your problems. So begin by making a thoughtful, thorough list of all the things you do and all the things he does. And if your list is still lopsided, despite being objective, you know that you’re right to address the issue.

2) Tackle Your Terms

Draw up a revised, fair marital job description for your partner that takes into account what you want as well as the ways he is wanting, i.e., his obliviousness and lack of motivation. You don’t necessarily want to divvy everything up 50/50, not just because you can’t change his weaknesses, but also because you want to take advantage of his strengths as well as your own. A good job description then includes tasks he’s good at, puts more emphasis on effort and commitment than results, and leaves you with confidence that you’re better off with his contributions as a whole rather than with not having to take care of him.

3) Navigate Negotiations

Bring up your new terms in a positive context that implies no blame, regardless of how you really feel. Present your reasons for re-evaluating his family-related activities as a way of improving his level of function, maximizing his positive impact on the family, and relieving you of any additional responsibilities you’ve picked up when he was unable to do them or unaware they existed in the first place. Of course, you may describe problems, such as your overwork or the kids’ dysfunction, as reasons for this negotiation, but not as evidence of his personal or moral failure (even though that’s what you may feel). Condemnation, however deserved, is rarely constructive.

4) Pin Point Problem Behaviors

Again, without implying that he’s lazy or purposefully negligent, specify any behaviors that you’ve observed that tend to undermine his productivity. For instance, if he spends too much time hanging out with his buddies, drinking, or playing video games, show respect for his right to relax before discussing the impact of his behaviors on the time he spends doing his share around the house, hanging out with the kids or having private time with you. Or if he doesn’t stick to a budget, describe the negative impact on everyone’s choices, including his.

5) Conclude Confidently

Aside from remaining positive, the key to getting your point across is conveying confidence; if you know that what you’re asking for is well thought out and reasonable, there’s no reason to be defensive or timid. With conviction, state your belief that he and the rest of the family will be better off if events prove you right, and that argument is unnecessary; if he disagrees, the only way he can convince you you’re wrong is if he can’t meet your terms despite his best efforts. In the meantime, you will continue to wish for his success with your plan, especially since continuing to endure your partnership in its present form will force you to reassess your future plans entirely.