Revision of Labor
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 17, 2019
Unless you’re a hairstylist, surgeon, or murderer, changing other people is basically impossible. Just because the flaws in your partner’s character are never going to change, however, doesn’t mean that you’re stuck with the bad behavior they cause. Shame and condemnation certainly won’t get him to improve. But if you can learn to keep personal criticism and angry feelings to yourself and describe bad behavior in terms of its dysfunction, rather than as evidence of purposeful malice, you can motivate a partner to improve his act while avoiding nasty struggles and intense argument. Then he might be motivated to work on those flaws before you become a murderer yourself.
– Dr. Lastname
I accept that there are things that are unchangeable in my marriage of three decades. I love my husband and want to stay married, but I am increasingly irritated by being the breadwinner, planner, homemaker, gift buyer, family relationship keeper, cheerleader, etc., etc., while my husband seems to slide through life without much effort. He is in therapy for depression related to a shitty childhood and current career issues, and I am mostly understanding; however, I have recently begun to blow up at stupid, careless (but not intentional) actions on his part, the most recent being his ruining my expensive kitchen shears during one of his typical, fruitless home improvement projects. It makes me feel guilty to make him unhappy, but I can’t seem to stop myself in the moment. I suspect I am also realizing that he may always be dependent on me, which is also frustrating. My goal is to figure out how to change the way I react before I kill him, our marriage, or both.
LIFE SUCKS: How To Deal With The Way Life Was, Is, and Will Always Be Unfair
You’re obviously an expert at acceptance since you’ve made a majorly unbalanced marriage work for three decades. While it’s natural to want to keep your rare unbridled negative feelings under better control, you shouldn’t forget that you also have a larger goal; to protect yourself from a one-sided partnership with someone who goes from requiring deserved acceptance to taking undeserved advantage.
It’s easy to give yourself the right to end a marriage if your partner does a major terrible thing, e.g. by having an affair or developing an addiction. In this case, however, it’s about all the minor things he hasn’t done, and can’t do, that make him a potentially deadbeat partner.
You know him well enough to see his passivity as a character trait he really can’t help and shouldn’t be expected to change, but first ask yourself whether you’ve ever made it clear to him that his passivity was a problem in the first place. If you hate comflict, as many spouses do, it’s possible that you may have silently picked up the ball whenever he looked tired or depressed rather than risk feeling guilty about confronting him and causing pain.
If that’s true, then it’s better for both of you if you try asking him directly whether he can do what you think he should be doing, and if he thinks it’s fair. Don’t back off if he seems unhappy because everyone will be happier in the end if he can do his share and you don’t have to regret marrying him.
If, however, you have made your expectations clear in the past to little or no effect, add up the pros and cons of your marriage; think hard about what, if anything, he does contribute to your marriage and your life in general. Then take a realistic look at what living without him would look like, including the cost of living alone and how much your social life would change and in what way. Depending on the age of your children, factor in the benefit they truly gain from having their father around.
Yes, everyone hopes their marriage vows will be permanent, but after three decades of marital work and family raising, you’re entitled to do what’s right for you as a person, not as a pair. And if you feel you’ve done more than your share for all that time, s you have an additional right to decide if and when enough is enough.
Regardless of what you decide, making a decision will help you feel less like a victim and more like a manager; even if you decide it’s worth staying together, then you can look for ways to limit your responsibilities or expand your independence. You can also check out whether a mid-life or post-menopausal depression is making you more irritable (anger is a frequent symptom of depression, regardless of whether there’s anything in particular to be angry about).
Either way, don’t make yourself responsible for preserving your marriage until you weigh alternatives. Your goal isn’t to make your husband happy or keep your marriage going at all costs. It’s to be a good person, meet your commitments, and stop accepting the unacceptable.
STATEMENT:
“I feel like an asshole when I blow up at my husband for very little reason, and I know he can’t help the things he does that I like least, but it’s time for me to decide whether our marriage meets a reasonable definition of partnership, or whether it’s time to stop taking care of an adult who will never be fully competent.”
