Thought Topic

Posted by fxckfeelings on July 18, 2019

In superhero stories, all it takes is a childhood tragedy or radioactive spider bite to unleash remarkable potential. The same is often true for people with obsessive brains, except they’re triggered by a nasty personal criticism or rejection, and instead of superpowers they’re gifted with a lifetime of paranoia, neurosis and self-loathing. But if great power requires great responsibility, so do not-great brains; some personal traits, like how our minds work, are hard to like and impossible to change, but with some work and patience, they are possible to manage. Learning to live an obsessive mind, without letting your wonky thoughts control you or persuade you that strong feelings are the same thing as the truth, is a superpower of its own.

-Dr. Lastname

My mom was horrible, blah, blah, blah, specifically because when I was 13 she told me that everyone was talking about me. Yes, she said everyone. I don’t know why she told me, how she knew this, what they were saying, any of it. But for the life of me, it’s been driving me literally crazy in the decades since then trying to figure out WHY everyone was and presumably IS talking about me! Are you seeing the problem here? I have obviously become a self-centered, paranoid, perfectionist asshole that is driving everyone (?) insane and I’m miserable. My goal is to forget my mother’s “wise words” and stop being so paranoid.

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Unfortunately, the truly paranoid are more often born than made, wired from the start to trap themselves in a deadly spiral of self-obsession. In other words, people who are “self-centered, paranoid [and] perfectionistic,” as you say you are, can’t help overfocusing on themselves and overreacting to the feelings of others, making themselves miserable and annoying everyone else.

So you should have no trouble figuring out what your mother meant when she said that everyone was talking about you. And as to why she said it, she shares your paranoid genes so she might have thought she was helping you (in her own horrible way). Either way, her provocation wasn’t personal, just intense paranoia at work.

Unfortunately, knowing the reason why your mother said what she did or why you have the personality you do isn’t going to stop you from being self-obsessed and miserable. So your goal isn’t to decipher or even work to forget your mother’s words because any focus on them will make you even more self-centered and frustrated. Remember, the more you obsess about obsessions, the more you’ll act like an asshole, both to yourself and others.

Just because you have a self-obsessed and paranoid personality, however, doesn’t mean you can’t learn how to manage your impulses or still have decent values about working hard, becoming self-reliant, and treating people with respect. Indeed, your self-awareness about your situation indicates you have such values, know what it means to be an asshole and don’t want to act like one.

So instead of trying to eradicate your personality traits or understand your past relationship with your mother, try to live with those traits, and the pain they’ve caused you, while reducing their power to make you act badly. Get help from a therapist or counselor on how to think positively when your impulses are anything but. Learn to factcheck your paranoid thoughts so you can reduce their power over your actions before they persuade you that they’re real. If necessary, check out low-risk medication that may also quiet down your negative thoughts if they’re repetitive, ruminative and impossible to manage on your own.

Yes, it hurts to have the kind of personality you do and it may always be hard for you to be happy. But you can be paranoid, self-centered and perfectionistic without also being miserable or an asshole. It just takes hard work and an ability to think of things other than what your brain (or your mother) puts in your head.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t stand the self-centered, perfectionistic thoughts I have or the way I can’t get them out of my mind, which includes those memories of my mother’s terrible words about what people think and say about me. But I haven’t let her words stop me from developing values of my own and trying to do worthwhile things with my life, regardless of how self-obsessed or paranoid my thoughts tend to be.”