Civilian Strife
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 2, 2019
People often complain about having to deal with an overbearing boss or teacher, but they usually don’t complain when they see the results; tough-but-fair authority figures also give people well-defined goals, keep them busy and organized, and push them to maintain good habits. They’re demanding, but they’re also in demand, which is why we pay high tuitions for good schools, commute long distances to work for well-run companies, and, occasionally, flounder when a tough boss or strong structure is no longer in our lives. Living in chaos can make it easy to lose energy, confidence, and momentum, but you can implement your own sense of order by accessing the values that you care about most, limiting bad habits and developing the behaviors and plans that will make you not just your own boss, but a boss, period.
-Dr. Lastname
I’m a combat veteran who served in the middle east. I got out a few years ago, but after coming home, getting a job, going to school, and generally doing well, I’ve hit sort of a rough patch. I broke up with this girl that I was dating and I legit broke the fuck down (probably because it was my first serious relationship). I was then able to hold everything together for a bit, but over the last year I’ve lost my job, failed out of school, and have no idea what the fuck is going on. I feel as though I have lost the discipline I gained while in the military. I went to see a therapist but he was more interested in learning how to treat veterans then actually helping me figure out my specific problems. Oh, and my parents are going through a divorce right now, but that does not bother me that much as neither of them is dying or anything (but if figured this is pertinent as every head headshrinker I have ever seen in the movies always tries to blame it on your parents). Plus I was coping for a while by drinking way too much and have been smoking weed way too much, although I’ve been sober for a month or so now. My goal is to get over this hump and force myself to do the things that I know I need to do to achieve the goals that I am certain I am capable of.
It takes great strength to get through basic training, face combat, do right by your team, and survive lethal fire. These are achievements that will be with you forever, no matter how many breakups or breakdowns you’re put through back home.
Unfortunately, you may have more than your share of domestic shitshows because civilian life tends to strip you of some of the supports you get from the service, like all the daily prompts about what to do and when to do it, along with all the people watching your back.
It’s true, being in the military can teach a lot of discipline, at least in the context of service. But it also teaches you to put your team first, which isn’t just inapplicable to everyday civilian life, but dangerous to your wellbeing. If you don’t get over that mentality, you’ll go around with a perpetual sense of guilt and emptiness that will make personal success almost impossible.
So as strong as you are when you leave the service, it’s not unusual for civilian life to uncover problems that won’t respond to the willpower and discipline you acquired and honed as a soldier.
And if that causes you shame and confusion, then you’ll just get down on yourself and your weaknesses will have a bigger impact than they should.
If you’ve gotten sober, however, you’ve already started to figure this out for yourself. In the service, you can get shitfaced and count on a tight schedule and your buddies to make you functional the next day. In regular life, you’re the one who has to manage the negative consequences of drinking too much, and that’s exactly what you’ve started to do. You recognized that, however much alcohol relieves anxiety or depression in the short run, it messes up your mood, nervousness, and focus in the long run. If that’s what was happening to you, you did well to stop.
What you may still have to deal with, however, is symptoms of depression and, possibly, trouble with staying organized. Depression is often triggered by a bad breakup and, once it gets going, it saps your energy, messes with your ability to concentrate and do complex tasks, and fills your mind with self-criticism and pessimism. It’s also a big component of PTSD, which you may also have, but maybe not. (To learn more about PTSD, you can download our free e-book, F*ck PTSD, here.)
And, as if that weren’t enough, it’s possible you always had trouble getting it together but didn’t notice it because the military did your organizing for you. So now that you’re on your own and dealing with all sorts of personal battles, it’s not surprising that you’ve gotten bogged down, especially since courage and will power alone can’t be enough to pull you through.
What will help, however, is doing more of what you’ve started to do already. Accept your weaknesses and figure out what you need, with sobriety as a solid first step. Go to AA meetings and/or a veterans groups and get support from people who’ve gone through the same thing and found ways to succeed. Talk to friends and/or a therapist about what you’re trying to accomplish, and accept coaching and support on how to get your life back together and give proper priority to your own needs.
If possible, see a psychiatrist whose treatment approach makes sense to you and find out whether medication might help (antidepressants are iffy but pretty low-risk, and some people are lucky with them). And if they just want to give you a million prescriptions or turn you into a test subject, feel free to stop treatment and try to find someone else; you won’t benefit from seeing someone who doesn’t share your goals and you have no obligation to tough it out when it’s clear it’s not going to work. Again, what was true in the military doesn’t always apply to your life as a civilian, and certainly not your experience as a patient.
Courage, will power, and military experience are great, but not enough when you’re fighting real life battles alone. Your goal then isn’t to force yourself to try harder, but to accept the fact that, through no fault of your own, some parts of your brain don’t work the way you need them to, particularly in civilian life. Stay positive, seek support, and build new habits and relationships.
Once you’ve put together a support system that meets your needs, your discipline will again become effective at pushing you along the good path you’ve already started towards a mission accomplished.
STATEMENT:
“I feel like I’ve gone from tough, successful soldier to civilian loser, but I haven’t lost my toughness. Civilian life has forced me to face problems that will require new methods for managing. I will learn to ignore false feelings of defeat and guilt and build a new team and mission plan.”
