Heir Beware

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 7, 2019

Kids hate to see their parents fight, and while you’d think that the feeling would lessen as they grow into adults, the opposite is often true; the older they get, the more they feel like having an adult’s power should give them the ability to set things right and ease their family’s pain. Of course, no human, no matter what their age, emotional investment, or relationship to others, has much power to change or ameliorate the chemistry of a longstanding partnership, so making the best of a bad parental relationship doesn’t require a determination to do good or make sacrifices. All you really need is the ability to judge the actual benefit of bearing witness to a brawl versus exercising the adult’s most wonderful superpower— the ability to leave the room and focus on your own, independent, more peaceful life.
-Dr. Lastname

My parents kept fighting nonstop throughout my childhood and teenage years and it was a painful, helpless experience for me. Even now that I’m in my late 20s and out of the house, they still fight constantly when I’m around and it still makes me cry uncontrollably and feel depressed. All through these years I’ve tried my best to solve and fix things, or just ask them not to fight so regularly in front of me, but nothing’s ever worked. My mother’s negativity, tendency to throw blame around and create chaos… I hate it all. My goal is to find ways to deal with this problem, because it’s been sucking away at my happiness and sanity for far too long.


F*ck Love: One Shrink’s Sensible Advice for Finding a Lasting Relationship

When you’re a kid and your parents are fighting and unhappy, it’s almost impossible not to share their pain. If you’re a good kid, i.e., one that’s sensitive and eager to help those in need, you’re likely to feel twice as bad.

That’s because the more sensitive you are, the more you hurt and want to help to make the hurt go away. And the more you wish to help, the more helpless you feel when you can’t find anything to say to make it better, so the worse the hurt gets, etc.

So it’s no wonder that you feel obliged to stay in the room and try to help them, even though your mother’s anger and pain trigger continuing PTSD that reactivates whenever you return to the family battlefield.

The positive thing about no longer being a kid, however, (and just being a sensitive, altruistic adult) is that you’re now old enough to know there’s nothing you can do to make your parents less combative or happier, so you’re really not obliged to try. After all, you’ve tried everything possible for years and never been able to find the right gesture or thing to say, so the odds you’ll stumble upon the key to peacemaking now seems highly unlikely.

So, aside from the old emotional reflexes and misapplied ideals, your goal isn’t to show them you care by sharing their pain or trying to relieve their conflicts. It’s to protect yourself from unnecessary harm, do what you think is best, and let your parents know you love them no matter how much ugly hatred they fling at each other.

In fact, if you express strong feelings about their fighting as part of a peacemaking effort, you’ll probably just encourage them to fight harder. That’s because, even though they love you and don’t want to hurt you, your response gives them the reward of a live and reactive audience. Of course, your feelings are natural and unavoidable, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t manageable; instead of speaking up, train yourself to instead get out, leaving their presence any time their behavior veers towards the unbearable and you feel yourself shaking and tearing up.

As you end your role as traumatized audience, they may accuse you of taking sides or becoming selfish and uncaring, and, as a sensitive person, you may quickly find yourself feeling guilty and on the defensive. In a word, however: don’t.

Instead, state your own view, namely that you’re sorry they can’t get along but that it’s better for everyone that you stay out of it. You wish there was something you could do to make them feel better but, since that’s impossible, whatever you do to stay away from a fight is the next best thing. It will make your time with them more enjoyable and, hopefully, encourage them to deal with their conflict in less destructive ways. Taking yourself out of the room makes it less destructive already.

Since it’s highly unlikely that they’ll agree with your point of view and allow you to quickly end the conversation, be prepared to stop discussion assertively but with complete respect. Let them know that if they wish to change the direction of the conversation, you’d love to talk, but otherwise, you must go and will just have to disagree about whether that’s the right thing to do.

Your feelings tell you that you’re helpless and must witness their pain, while your ideals tell you that it’s always good to be helpful, regardless of context. Your experience, however, tells you that it’s better for everyone if you remove yourself from their conflict, and that you can do so without getting unconstructive, sharing deep emotions or violating your own standards for being a loving member of their family.

Being a sensitive, thoughtful person is a positive thing, but trying to wield those qualities in vain and exposing yourself to endless hurt and anguish will only have negative results for you and everyone else.
STATEMENT:
“I hate to witness my parents fight and I’ve always believed in being a helpful person, but I can’t help the way their conflict makes me feel horrible or the fact that they just can’t seem to stop and my being there does more harm than good. I will do what’s necessary to protect myself without getting drawn into argument, knowing that what I’m doing is making the best of a bad situation.”