5 Steps to Address a Loved One’s Addictive Behavior

Posted by fxckfeelings on February 21, 2019

Intervention may be long off the air, but its approach to pushing addicts and alcoholics into recovery is still part of the national consciousness; it’s now taken as common wisdom that the way to get someone you care about into rehab is through raw, emotional confrontation. In reality, when there aren’t cameras, specialists, and access to highly specialized recovery programs around, it’s much better to keep emotion, confrontation, and personal responsibility out of it. So, for those of us in the real world dealing with an addicted loved one in real time, here are five steps you can take to compose a statement or otherwise address a loved one’s alcoholic or addictive behavior.

1) Put Things Positively
Regardless of how entitled you are to feel angry, hurt, or screwed, expressing those feelings will only make achieving your purpose more difficult; your goal isn’t to start an argument, vent your unhappiness, or listen to excuses, but to discourage alcoholic behavior and protect yourself from its effects. That’s why your statement should express what you believe is the best approach to a problem that isn’t necessarily solvable or controllable. So begin by talking about the alcoholic’s positive qualities and achievements, i.e., the reasons that you care about and love him in the first place. Then refer to alcoholism as an illness and set of behaviors, not a fault in his character, that’s a problem that has aroused your concern and for which you have a plan.
2) Fixate on Facts
When addressing the problematic aspects of his alcoholism, focus on behavior that you believe is doing the most harm to his life or that goes most against his values, not what irritates you the most. That means behavior that damages his health, puts his and the safety of his loved ones at risk, and generally is at odds with the kind of good, caring person you’ve known him to be. Of course, you know that conveying the magnitude of a problem is not likely to make an alcoholic change. What you’re after is a bald statement of fact that gives him reason to fear and oppose what his addiction is doing to him for his sake, not yours.
3) Beware The Blame Game

The amount addicts and alcoholics hate taking responsibility for their actions is matched only by their love for their substance of choice, so don’t let the conversation become about who’s really to blame or should take responsibility. You can never be sure how much you, the alcoholic, a therapist, a program, or anyone else can make a difference when it comes to alcoholism. Regardless of how an addiction starts, it develops a power of its own. Plus, if you put too much emphasis on how his addiction impacts your life, he’ll make you the reason for getting sober instead of doing it for himself (and then blame you if sobriety doesn’t stick). So be clear that you’re determined to help in any way you think might work if he sees that sobriety is best for him, and that you respect him if and when he does the best with the addiction he’s got.
4) Put Forth Your Plan

Now that you’ve cited concrete issues with his behavior, spell out the protective changes you’re going to take in order to address his issues and help him recover. These may include limiting the time you spend together, leaving events early if he gets drunk, or even notifying his doctor that he’s an alcoholic. If he feels unsupported or criticized, don’t feel guilty. You’re not trying to punish him, just to do what’s necessary and/or constructive for the both of you. If he promises to get help, be supportive of that choice, but don’t change your plan based on empty guarantees. By avoiding unrealistic optimism, you make clear that he has a tough road ahead and that external factors such as your love, the family’s support, and the presence or quality of treatment cannot guarantee success.
5) Conclude the Conversation
Once you’ve stated the facts and your plans going forward, it’s time to end discussion. Resist if he tries to engage you further with excuses, or further thoughts about sobriety or how both of you feel. Don’t try to plow through the conversation and “win” with the force of your personality, because that would be a temporary victory and make you responsible for generating his motivation. Instead, wrap things up once you’ve created a set of conditions and actions that rest on facts, hoping that your continued belief in those facts and you’re following through on those actions will, in the long run, build his motivation. If they don’t, they will at least improve your self-protection and give you peace of mind knowing that you did all you could in a fairly impossible situation.