5 Ways To Argue With Your Inner Nag

Posted by fxckfeelings on January 10, 2019

Persistent voices in our heads—the ones that push us to do everything from avoiding our work to immediately finding an open drive-thru—are virtually impossible to shut up. What you can do, however, is shut them out or talk them down. So, if, like our reader from earlier, you have a nagging voice in your mind that constantly puts you down, here are five ways to argue with it, work around it, and generally not keep it from controlling your life.

1) Source Your Self-Hate And Be Specific

While the negative voice in your head may be persistent and relentlessly cruel, it is also usually somewhat vague, at least when it comes to what you’ve specifically said or done to be so worthy of its endless barrage of loathing. So when it starts laying into you for your so-called awfulness, try to think specifically about whether you’ve done any bad deed or or have any habit so awful to truly deserve its torment. Limit yourself to what you would hold anyone responsible for, like drinking or lying or not keeping promises, and not for things you wouldn’t, like not being gorgeous or born rich.

2) Get Your Own Guidelines

To truly arm yourself against the voice, figure out for your own objective set of standards for what it means to be a good person. Use standards that most people would agree with and that you would use on a friend, like being reasonably respectful of other people’s needs, doing your share, and taking care of yourself. Remember, this is not about your wishes to be handsome, rich, or sociable; these are positive qualities that most people want, but they don’t really speak to one’s character and they definitely aren’t things anyone can easily control.

3) Figure Yourself Out Fairly

Using those standards, and getting input from objective friends or a therapist if necessary, determine what your shortcomings are. Remember, these are shortcomings that involve character, not just the minor things you don’t like about yourself. So avoiud fixating on your looks, mannerisms, or anxious speech and focus instead on any possible bad habits that cause harm, like being so busy hating yourself, or paying so much attention to whether people dislike you, that you don’t return calls or pay attention to the important people in your life.

4) Make A Plan (And Script) For Improvement

Once you know where your true faults lie, you can make a plan to improve yourself or at least manage your bad habits to keep them from taking over. Work with friends or a therapist to assure yourself that you’re living up to reasonable standards, particularly in the area of reaching out and making friends, regardless of what your internal voices are telling you. That way you can go about your life and even meet people with a much lower risk of self-sabotage.

5) Use Your Self-Assessment To Shut Down Your Brain

Stick to your script, keep trying to learn from your mistakes, and never let yourself take your negative voice at its word. Remind yourself that your negative voice may be persistent but that doesn’t make it honest; you’re tough self-assessment has shown you that with ample evidence. So instead of letting the negativity run you over and keep you down, push yourself to roll your eyes at it and answer back. You may never get it to shut up entirely—unfortunately, being self-conscious and negative may just be a part of who you are—but you can put it in check and shut it out of the process of meeting people, achieving things, and generally living life on your terms.