The Hate U Take

Posted by fxckfeelings on November 15, 2018

Just as there are people who feel so confident in their greatness that they just believe in it without concrete support or evidence, there are those so certain that they’re dumb, hateful and repulsive that they can’t not find evidence of their supposed horribleness everywhere. When that happens, it seems appropriate to focus on their lack of self-esteem as a legitimate target for psychotherapy, but this focus may just intensify such a person’s self-involvement and sense of being defective without necessarily making things better. So if knowing that you’re a compulsive self-hater isn’t doing anything to make the hate stop, ask yourself to define what it means to be a good enough person, regardless of the constant thoughts telling you you’re anything but. Part of you may always be certain that you’re the worst, but if you can stick to your own standards of being good, then you’ll at least be able to refute that certainty by continuing to do your best.

-Dr. Lastname

I feel like EVERYONE hates me; I’ve got some piss-poor self esteem and try to keep conversations with strangers to a minimum since I feel like I’m a dick who’s wasting their time with whatever garbage comes out of my mouth. I’ve been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder but no amount of sugar coating with polite diagnosis can help me out of this. I’ve read books on Buddhism, social esteem, etc., but it all just feels like flimsy spiritual trash that doesn’t sink in. My goal is to either A, stop giving a shit about what people think about me and enjoy life as a curmudgeonly 20-something, B, figure out some way to not be a dick without necessitating spiritualism and masquerading kindness.

F*ck PTSD: The F*ck Feelings Guide for Individuals and Support Groups

Unfortunately, no matter what good things they’ve done or how much reassurance they get from others, some people tend to hate themselves and feel hated. Calling it “low self-esteem,” implies that your childhood caregivers didn’t do their job properly or you haven’t learned a good philosophy for living but, very frequently, it’s just a bad habit or trait that you’re born with. Some people compulsively bite their nails or overeat, other people obsessively insult themselves.

The bad news is that you may never be able to make it go away, even with lots of therapy, meditation, and great achievements. The good news is that you can learn to ignore it and build a life in spite of it that you can, despite your self-loathing, be almost proud of.

It’s never easy to ignore what your brain is telling you, especially when it makes you feel like shit, which makes it harder to socialize and act confidently, which invites more self-criticism and reasons to hate yourself all the more. That’s just one more of nature’s vicious little circles that keep psychiatrists (and bartenders) well employed.

So don’t rely on your feelings or performance judgements to decide whether you deserve self-hate. Instead, remind yourself that your self-hate is second nature, regardless of what you do or whether you deserve it. Remember, self-hate can never prevent you from having values about what it takes to be a good, decent, hard-working person and that you’re fully capable of using these values to judge your friends and yourself. In fact, because they’re not you, you can judge your friends (and what they see in you) fairly without needing to despise them.

Then, use those standards on yourself, trying to evaluate yourself objectively, as if you were your own friend and not someone with a self-hate habit. Instead of giving words and air-time to that hate, tell the negative voice to shut up and judge yourself by how you’re living your life, not by whether you’re able to get people to talk to you, like you, or give you a smile. If you’re not acting like a good person, then you know what you have to change. But if you are, give yourself extra points for acting decently when you feel like shit.

You can’t help having a social phobia and you may never be good at small talk, but self-hate need never be a serious problem if you know you’re living up to your standards, working, and doing useful things with your time. You don’t have to be a socially attractive, easy-going person to find good friends who like you for who you are. If you can recognize your bad habit and learn not to take the negative voice seriously, you’ll be able to focus less on all the ways you supposedly suck and more on the values that matter.

STATEMENT:

“I may never be able to feel like I like myself, but I can stop self-hate from controlling what I say and do and instead judge myself according to values I believe in.”