Third Degree Yearn

Posted by fxckfeelings on August 25, 2018

Many people, like the cancer-riddled protagonists of young adult novels, stars of reality shows who spend most of their time on screen bleeped or blurred, or anybody who’s gotten a neck tattoo on a dare, believe the point of life is to live intensely and in the moment and therefore any experience or relationship that makes them feel more alive has value. The major problem with that notion, aside from how it actually decreases one’s life expectancy, is that it devalues the work it takes to make a living, keep promises, build and support a family, and generally build a life you can truly be proud of. Sometimes these efforts are boring and do not yield joy for long periods of time, but it’s for you to decide whether you’d rather have a short life dedicated to thrilling romance and great adventure, or a long, boring one dedicated to being a good person.

-Dr. Lastname

I’ve been married over 10 years but I just had a short affair with an also-married friend and it ended when he confessed the whole thing to his husband after the guilt of keeping secrets got to him. His husband made us cut all contact with each other so they can repair their marriage and I haven’t heard from him since. I also confessed to my husband and he has forgiven me and gotten over it, but I haven’t. I don’t think I was ever happier than during the time when I was having the affair. I do realize the affair was a fantasy situation—we both have young kids and care about our spouses—but the attraction to our significant others had diminished while the chemistry between us was powerful and ideal. My goal is to stop thinking about my affair partner, move on with my life, and be the spouse and parent that everyone needs me to be without constantly mourning this lost love.

F*ck PTSD: The F*ck Feelings Guide for Individuals and Support Groups

If you’ve ever had to have major work done on your house, car, or even your own body, you might be familiar with some version with “the triangle of expectations” speech. It basically breaks down how, of the three major demands most customers have—for speed, affordability, and quality—you can only ever get two of those demands, or two points of the triangle, met at one time. In other words, a job that’s done quickly and perfectly will not be cheap, and one that’s cheap and well done will not be fast.

It’s such a useful way to look at big projects that there should be some version of it for relationships, as well. Because as nice as it would be to prioritize finding relationships that are exciting, stable and built to last, they’re about as easy to find as a perfect bathroom renovation done in a week in exchange for a candy bar.

That’s because nothing you do for a long period of time, be it skydiving or waking up next to the same person, will keep the same level of excitement forever. And since most relationships will eventually bore you and the kind of partner who keeps things fresh and interesting will probably not be reliable in the end, the goal of passionate love isn’t likely to lead you into relationships that are good for you or will help you and your family get stronger.

At the same time, your need for exciting affairs isn’t likely to go away; like any innate strong urge, it promises happiness if you satisfy it, even if that satisfaction is temporary and is followed by a nasty hangover. You can’t rid yourself of the urge with therapy, willpower, or anything short of lobotomy (although, when it comes to romantic urges, a good spaying or neutering might do the trick). That’s why waiting to stop thinking about your last love doesn’t help to do anything but prepare you to fall for the next exciting potential romance that crosses your path.

Your goal then isn’t to stop thinking about your recently lost affair or to lose your itch for someone new. Instead, it’s to discover your own reasons for valuing a married life without affairs while enduring that itch without trying to satisfy it.

Start by listing the things about your marriage, or marriage in general, that you find boring, frustrating, or generally negative. Then, on the other side, add up the contributions your partner makes to parenting, companionship, and financial stability, and ask yourself what you would lose in terms of being a parent, friend, and overall human being if that support did not exist.

Then add the pain and damage your affair causes your partner and your relationship, as well as any secondary harm to the kids caused by tension or a breakdown in trust between their parents. If you’re wondering about an “open marriage,” keep in mind that, while that status may spare you and your spouse some pain, an affair that stirs up strong feelings is bound to cause pain no matter what agreement a couple makes in advance.

Move on with your life, not by waiting for your heart to heal or your need for excitement to pass, but by defining goals related to friendship, building independence, and doing what you find most meaningful. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enjoy excitement when it happens. But life can turn hard and dangerous in a moment and the consequences, when you have kids, are enormous.

When you build a good life and cope with all the shit that gets thrown at you, you’ll have excitement enough and an accomplishment you can be proud of. You just need to find the right reasons/two points on your own triangle of domestic expectations and learn to manage your needs without letting them manage you.

STATEMENT:
“I feel drawn to relationships that make me feel more connected and alive than I ever feel in my marriage, but my goal is to build a family that can withstand life’s storms, and that’s more important than the extra zip I get from hot sex with someone I’m crazy about.”