5 Unhealthy Things People Are Attracted To

Posted by fxckfeelings on April 19, 2018

If, like our reader from a previous post, you’re feeling lost after losing a long-term relationship, don’t let the urge to sulk and self-flagellate prevent you from doing a smart, objective romantic post-mortem. After all, every bad break up is an opportunity to learn good lessons about what went wrong, so as a cheat sheet for your relationship evaluation, here are five unhealthy things that people are all-too-often attracted to; learning how to recognize your weaknesses is the only way to get stronger, smarter, and less likely to ever be this miserable again.

1) Attracted to Unavailability

Groucho Marx famously said he didn’t want to join any club that would have him as a member, but when it comes to relationships, most people feel the inverse; they only want to be with people who don’t seem to want them around. This may be due to deep-seated, unhealthy levels of insecurity and self-loathing, i.e., the feeling that, if someone loves you and is eager to spend time with you, there must be something wrong with them. So check to see if you tend to pursue those who keep their distance while avoiding those who show interest and seek your company. If you do, it’s worth taking time to get to like yourself a little more before finding someone else to love.

2) Cool with Constant Criticism

If you’re a perfectionist who is often self-critical or just been raised by a family of critics, you may find yourself attracted to people who also love picking you apart. As long as they aren’t also mean and unloving, that’s fine, but that’s rarely the case. Ask yourself if past partners have been cold and good at put-downs; if they have, beware seeking the company of critical people and get to work on finding ways to be kinder to yourself. Raise your standards for how you treat yourself and you’ll automatically raise the standards for how you expect to be treated by others.

3) You Find Slackers Sexy

You may be the kind of hard worker who’s drawn to partners who generally give making an effort a hard pass. Perhaps you’re drawn to the appreciative-yet-aimless because they make you feel useful and strong by comparison, but their inability to share your work ethic, along with a willingness to let things go to pot when you’re unavailable, will eventually make you nuts. So if you find that you have an unwise tendency to love the lazy, make an extra effort to try finding a partner with a job, a goal, or just an aversion to spending too much time on the couch.

4) The Need To Nightingale

Too many people are attracted to the damaged and wounded, likely because they get an extra good feeling from having someone they can’t just love but also rescue and take care of. This attraction may come from taking care of someone while growing up who was wounded, or from feeling wounded themselves. For whatever reason, helping the helpless is a hopeless situation; if they get better, you’ll resent feeling useless, and if they don’t, you may still eventually become disappointed by your partner’s persisting disabilities. If it becomes clear that a larger-than-expected number of your exes were the walking wounded, find a smart way to channel your nurturing instincts, like through volunteering, or adopting a one-legged cat, so you can find a partner who doesn’t require them.

5) Drawn to Drama

While it would be nice if everybody were happy to get their drama fix through tabloids, pro wrestling, or the Bravo network, too many of us enjoy and invite drama into our everyday lives. Lots of us are attracted to the kind of people who can turn real life into an episode of Real Housewives; the crazy, angry, and altogether dramatic who initially provide a lot of fun, excitement and passion (that eventually becomes exhausting and even scary). So if you tend to bypass boring people and seek out “big personalities,” it’s time to stop seeing drama as a draw and start recognizing it as a red flag.